motivation

So a lot of ladies, not just us depressed ones, probably have a zillion things to complain about when it comes to our weight and body jiggles that shouldn't be there. I have every bit of knowledge - or access to it - that I could need to create the body of my dreams. (Sounds corny, lol.)

My biggest hurdle is motivation. I've written about it too many times already. I think the important thing to focus on when one is depressed is that exercise will help make us feel better. For me, I do tend to get caught up in the "I hate my body" and "ugh I'm so fat" line of thinking, which is bad and only serves to make me feel shitty. So, Im reminding myself, that I need to try to focus on the "I just want to feel happy" motivation, ok?

Example:

1. God i feel like shit! ~ Bounce on the trampoline. 
2. I want to cry for no reason. ~ Do some jumping jacks and yell obscenities instead of numbers. 
3. So help me, I feel so alone and I'm going to shove that last piece of cake in my face. ~ Put on some trance music and just dance until you can't breath. 

Ok, so I don't know if those will work for you but perhaps you get the basic idea. Fell like shit => go do something physical.

Now for everyday maintenance:

For me, I have bookmarked one of those nifty and popular infographics that give you a list of exercises to do:

Now - I can't think too much about this. If I just complete it, I'll have won.

This...

this minimal but hopeful desire coming to you from someone with a degree in exercise physiology. I have ALL the knowledge... but I still struggle because of the depression. On the one hand it makes me feel like a failure - to have all this education but be so unhealthy. But then I try to tell myself that it's really the depression and chemical imbalance that's the real asshole. And I have the power to do something about it.

Today, Im writing this as a reminder to myself and to you, dear reader, that we just have to start somewhere and with the right attitude: Exercise is medicine for our fucked up brain. We NEED those endorphins. Let's start with that and we'll worry about our flabby love handles a little bit later.

Tomorrow

I feel like until things somewhat normalize in terms of husband's schedule and rush-about environment, I'm just not going to be able to relax.

My anxiety, or stress, has me pretty paralyzed. My house is also an extreme wreck. I will try my best to clean the kitchen and dining area tomorrow. Because of the way our house is laid out, I feel that as long as this section is clean I'll feel better about the rest of the wreck.

Then, I'm going to play at the piano. It's been a long time. So long that I'm essentially having to learn all over again.

When I was young I would pull all nighters playing at the piano. It was quite an escape for me.

Recently I've been feeling so much regret over not pursuing music.

(Never listen or be influence by discouraging "elders" who tell you that you'll die of starvation if you go into "art". You'll regret not seeing what could have been.)

At least, it would have been a way for me to cope emotionally, or have some kind of outlet. As it is, I really don't have anything.

I wonder if depressed people are more prone to be artistic in someway, or have that desire to be artistic. Maybe desire isn't strong enough a word. Maybe it's something of a necessity for us, in order to survive with a clear head.

Bah, Im talking out my butt.

the past catches up

I've recently been dealing with feelings I don't want to deal with. Some years ago my ex bf and I started chatting via email. At first it was harmless but then quickly turned into something ... well, crazy. It was necessary to cut off all communication and the whole thing ended with a few angry email exchanges. His final email was probably the harshest. I was upset, but just wanted to move on and be left alone to deal with things. He was upset but wanted to throw every bit of dirt he could pick up in my face. Needless to say, I never thought we would "talk" again.

Then...
A few months ago I received a very mysterious email from an address designed to remind me of a romantic past I had with him. He sent a couple short letters because I wasn't checking my inbox regularly, and I guess he was a bit nervous as to why I wasn't answering him. Basically, the letters apologized (in a very self absorbed sort of way) and asked if I wanted to try and talk again. I was confused and needed answers as to why he was contacting me now, out of the blue, especially after some of the horrible things he said to me.

In the end, and after receiving a pitiful explanation, I could clearly see he had not changed. He wanted to conceal our "friendship" from his live-in girlfriend, something that had caused a huge problem the last time. (How can any friendship be genuine when I wouldn't even be able to send him a card or anything in the mail? What kind of relationship is that with someone in the RL?) Everything in his apology was based around how he was affected and how I must have thought horribly about him afterward. It was like his conscience over how he reacted disturbed him merely because it tarnished his reputation. (Why would it matter what I thought or felt about him?) The fact that I might have had a really hard time myself was almost an afterthought. This is how it seemed to me after reading his letters.

Now...
After reading the emails I told him to leave me alone, and I wanted no such relationship with him. What I did not realize was that during this time he had been visiting my blogs and Twitter page. Now, I realize things like this will happen when you put yourself out there for the world to see. What sucks for me is I'm pretty positive that he found me through my husband's account, since he (stupidly, in my opinion) uses his real name on everything. I had recently come out of hiding from the virtual world, too, so this really sucked for me, especially since I Don't use my real name on Twitter.

I don't mind that strangers read my things (I've learned not to post too much out there that can be easily traced back to my real ID) but this has started to bother me where he is concerned. I can't help but feel he's passing judgment on me and just being a creepy lurker, not because he cares but because he's merely feeding a curiosity. Yes, there is a difference in my mind. Remember the "dirt" I spoke about earlier? A lot of that was his interpretation of me after reading some of my blogs, then twisted around and thrown in my face. So I guess the bottom line is that I just don't trust him.

I'm at a loss as to what to do and I'm starting to obsess about it. The scary thing is I don't know if I'm obsessing in that worried way I can easily get caught up in, or if I'm really wanting an opportunity to just have some contact with him. I've started mindlessly and obsessionally checking my stats, looking for his IP address. I used to do this with his emails when we first started talking those couple of years ago. I hate this feeling and I've been trying to figure out the What and Why of it.

I want to call him out on this in my blog. But I just don't know if this is the right way of going about it. I told him to push off and although I wish we could be normal friends, at this point I think things are just too awkward.

❀why do i feel like a fraud

I've been trying to go walking every day for at least 30 minutes. Not even a brisk walk, just out and about, in the open air, enjoying the weather, etc. The last couple of times I did it I felt much improved for the remainder of the day. I still had some anxiety but was a bit more motivated and energetic. I was even a bit manic which scared me a bit because I'm always aware that the "down" is coming. Indeed, right now a feel a bit exhausted from all that ,,, manic energy, I guess. But my goal is to just keep doing This! Hopefully everything else that I need to do to feel better will fall into place as a result of just feeling even slightly better.

My hubby was promoted at work and is currently working on his day off. Oh the joys of being put in charge. =/ I don't even care about the promotion. It's funny when people ask, "Hey, what does your wife think? Is she happy you're getting more money?" Umm, she doesn't care. I just want to spend fucking normal time with my husband, not be so worn out by the end of the day that sex is even too exhausting to even think about, and stress for him would be WAY diminished. Pffff!

My husband was also told by someone that they thought I was beautiful. They liked my dreads, I guess how "free and fun" I seemed. Indeed, that is me deep down but most days I feel like too much of a loser to even feel I emanate that, as well I go around hating myself most of the time. In fact,  those were the first things I thought when my husband repeated what was said about me, and I felt like such a fraud.  I guess it was just amazing that anyone would think anything like that about me. It made me feel good though, if a little guilty.

Go HERE
for some awesome kitty island.

❀I can identify with Cat

• im so distracted. unfocused. unmotivated. and having anxiety because of it.
• I hate this cycle.
• I honestly dont know what im supposed to be doing with my life. i feel if i had a job at least i'd have some kind of schedule. but then the kids ... that could get complicated.
• i almost feel that i have to totally strip every bit of self identify and desires away, just to focus on becoming a more happy sahm.
• a maid. thats how it feels sometimes. im a  fucking maid. and no one gives enough shits to --- nevermind. it is what it is.
• our unschooling isn't going that great either. it has potential. but my kid is going to suffer for my being lost. i don't want him to suffer and surprisingly he already seems more relaxed since being out of traditional school. a definite change in his personality.
• the anxiety over leaving my house is starting to come back into play. i still havent changed out my meds so the anxiety is getting stronger and stronger. soon i'll have another 3 week stint of not ever leaving the house. this is bullshit.
• sometimes i wish we lived (or rather, I lived) in an empty box of a house, with only a bed, dresser, and a few "hobby" supplies (a book, crochet, music). no clothes - or just a few changes of them, no people to bother me, no twitter, no facebook, no competing with online personalities.
• i want just silence, sunlight, and the ability to indulge in some creativity. I don't have any creative outlet that really allows me to be ME, or that frees me from everything i hate about this life, an escape that most people crave when they log into mmo's.

❀ cannabis tincture - I bought the wrong one.

Off the cannabis for a while. Gradually my inability to control my anxiety has come back. It usually results in uncontrolled crying, being immobilized because the thought of doing anything makes me uneasy, and of course racing thoughts that don't go away and cause me sadness/discomfort/fear/etc.

I had to stop taking the tincture because I realized it was the wrong balance of strain, and it started to give me ANXIETY. Great.

I had no idea what I was buying originally and so I had to ask the dispenser what would be good for anxiety. I did read up on it before hand but being around all that ,, erm ,, product ,, I was completely overwhelmed. I knew I wanted a tincture but knew nothing about the tinctures that were there.

In the end,, the dispenser person was wrong in his suggestion. Now I know better and will be getting a different blend next time I go in. In the meantime I was hoping to clear my body of the current product so it would knock me out as though I'd never taken any before, and I could continue to use it at night time only.

This is the first day in a few weeks having taken it and I feel absolutely thrashed. Very tired, very groggy. But it's better than a weed induced panic.

From wikipedia:

Difference between C. indica and C. sativa:

Cannabis sativa has a higher level of THC compared to CBD, while Cannabis indica has a higher level of CBD compared to THC.[4] Cannabis strains with relatively high CBD:THC ratios are less likely to induce anxiety than vice versa.

Cannabis used in therapeutic medicines is the strain with higher cannabidiol and virtually NONE of the THC. While people may find uses for both strains (recreationally) be advised the differences are actually quite large when trying to attain a specific result from your medicine. Of course, special breeding is taking place in order to attain the CBD from the plants, so that even an Indica plant may still give anxiety because it will still contain THC.

This gets quite confusing to me and I have not done a very extensive research on this topic; I plan to sometime in the future as I find it fascinating and think there are so many healing secrets of cannabis that could help people immensely  - if not for our ignorant governments.

Bahahahaha!! Just keep running. Just keep running. 

❀ the fking internet ~ a very rambling ramble

Last night i got sucked into a crazy blog that seemed to be fascinating and wonderful - at first. Then i got deeper into the story and read about their poor infant son who was drowned at the hands of the father.

I had just got done crying buckets from reading a couple of very emotional and REAL posts about the aftermath, then somehow  got sucked into a forum thread which discussed the blog, this event, and general observations about the family, that being of the parents mental and emotional states.

I don't want to regurgitate everything because my heart is actually heavy from filling my brain with all that shit. Sensitive people should stay away from this blog (which i don't want to mention).

Suffice it to say that I feel absolutely horrible about what happened to them. And there is no way I will be following that blog on a regular basis, if ever, because I'm fearful that the remaining children may also be in danger.

I simply  cannot expose myself emotionally to things like that. This is also why I can't regularly read or keep up with the news - it's a trigger for me that will send me off the rails. I'm sure many can relate.

Anyway, Im wondering what to do now. Its approaching the middle of the morning and there are things i need to do but have no desire to do them. I honestly feel like eating an entire chocolate cake by myself. I would do it, too. But then I'd probably barf it up.

It's fears like that that keep me at home because, shit, it's safer than going out to the world where I'd probably mindlessly wander in somewhere and buy a fucking cake. This example, while being true to my thought pattern, is probably ridiculous but it is  a "harmless" way of self medicating that many people don't ever think about as being necessarily bad:

It's just ONE MORE WAY to placate the nerves, if even it's only temporary.

My boy kitty capture this little thing and brought him inside to "play". We released him back into the wild after he was recovered. 

We were swarmed by geese who hang out by the river and hoping for some noms. Notice the poop stained car park. 

❀ so things have been getting better

Medicinals: I've pretty much acclimated but I think I was recommended the wrong strain/type. I am able to function without the anxiety taking me over but I've been feeling... well... weird. I don't know how to say it any more than that. Just that I can function, and that's it. That should be enough but what I feel is more than what I can write down just now.

School: Eldest has been doing a homeschool through a local charter school. There are some great things about this school, but there are some bad things. I'm/we are trying to decide if the bad outweigh the good, and whether or not we should be pursuing our own "unschooling" curriculum. At present I'm leaning the other way around but I still need a little more convincing. Actually I don't think that's true. I think I just need to get over my fear of making the unorthodox decision that's the best for him, in my opinion, and I pretty much know what that is. Half the time he surprises me with what he's capable of and the other times I'm convinced that public schools just don't take into account kids like him with certain challenges. I think I'm just scared that his Label might even be getting in my way of making an objective decision concerning his education and capabilities. One thing thats for sure is we're under a lot of stress and playing catch-up with his school work that we don't have time to really concentrate on his needs. So that sucks.

These are the two biggest issues for me/us right now. There is more I could talk about but I don't necessarily want to write them all down now.

I did want to note that I went for a 2 hour walk along the river the other morning while Eldest was in classes. It was a lovely walk that turned into a dreadful experience by the end. I could barely move my legs the rest of the day, and could hardly even feel them. Still, I'm glad I did it since now I know NOT to do that particular loop again, haha. I really hate being chubbs right now.

❀

I was prompted to think about this today while reading another blog. The question had to do with the killing of women and children in the old testament.

I realize this thread has continued on into something else but I just wanted to post my most basic thoughts on this:

This has always been a problem for me. I can't imagine how killing children is ever OK. Why did God have to do it this way? I've always asked this. There are only two forms of comfort I can draw for myself and only ONE of them I am sure of:

The first is that I pray for all those souls taken and that the most innocent, the ones before the age of accountability, are in God's presence even now. For the rest I can only hope there be some other opportunity for repentance, since this is before the cross.

The Second, and most correct, is that JESUS came to do away with ALL of this. If we were to live as Jesus and follow his example, there would be no war, no killings of any kind, etc. I am naive, i know. I am unrealistic as I truly wish our country would stop waring, and start helping those in need without the use of our guns.  Our country is supposed to be a haven for ALL refugees and we've failed to be so in modern times.

In short, I honestly don't think I can ever emotionally reconcile the slaughter of children during OT times. But that is a picture of how serious God is. And that should make us run to Jesus for the salvation he brings, of course, but also for the PEACE  he brings between God and man, and ideally man and man. If only everybody wanted peace.

❀ oh fek me

Today is one of those days. Instead of slamming my head into the wall i just had to write something.
I will come to no grand conclusions by doing this but it merely helps to lessen the load within my own head.
(i so need my own HP universe pensieve)
One thing will cause me to explode. And then wave after wave of hatful thoughts come rushing into mind.
I hate my house.
I hate living here.
I hate that nobody picks up their shit.
I hate that we have so much shit.
I hate cooking because the kids bitch and moan about the food.
I hate that it's so fucking hot.
I hate that i have no time for myself.
I hate that my kids scream and whine all the fucking time.
I hate that my husband is so complacent or seems to not care about certain things.
I hate that i feel "sick" or not my best all the time.
I hate that I'm so hateful.
I hate that I have to deal with feeling all of this.

I hadn't taken any medicinal tincture in the last several days because there's a lot going on and I didn't want to be zombied out of my fricken ability to get shit done. I did, however, finally  have to medicate last night because I felt like a crazy angry person and so it did help me to sleep. I woke up feeling super lethargic and shitty, though.
I hate that!

( I'm starting to relax a little bit as I'm writing... )

Seriously my mind was so fucked up right now that I was going to call my husband and tell him to come home because I was d.o.n.e. and going to leave. Not permanently, but who seriously knows when I get like that.

I've tried to figure if it's an overtimulation something, since that's usually what it feels like. Why the fuck do i just "lose it"? Either I continue on this path of psycho-ness, or take my meds (whether its cannibus or some other pharmaceutical doesn't matter) and become a fucking zombie and just deal with being lethargic and not being able to get tasks done. Great fucking choice, eh?

❀ (part1) am I on the spectrum?

No kitties but still cute. Birdie Kitheths

One of the things i hate about the autism community - well the autism-warrior-tigerblood-mama (or whatever they want to call themselves) - is how so many of these women do not like to hear about stats or studies that may implicate them as the guilty party who passed down the blessing of autism to their child. (I realize "blessing" may be subjective here but there are indeed some positive things about having kiddos on the spectrum. ) Anyway, I've become so annoyed by this that I don't really like to follow the autism mama blogs anymore.   I've even thought to myself that science better look out for these people more than the religious groups because if they had their way they would disqualify such studies from the public record. I've even stopped going to the autism forums because there was  a lot of misunderstanding and clashing between the people who actually were autistic and the moms. I started to realize that there is a real risk of moms touting the "its all about me" attitude more than considering what's best for their kids, and the issues of scientific studies on the above topic helped me see that.

** Let me insert this: Now I totally understand that sometimes we need a safe place to vent. And maybe the forum should have been qualified as a mom only club... I don't know. I do know that while our children are small it is all about US being their advocates in a way most parents don't really have to experience. We can't help but make everything all about us. **

Ok, back to the main topic:: Well I like to see the data. I like to know what's being researched because that's what science is. My background in college included a lot of sciences. I'm fascinated by it. The answers are there... somewhere. Some of the studies and reviews may seem useless, and indeed many may ultimately prove to be useless and a waste of money, but there are a lot of connections that can be made down the road between seemingly unrelated topics. So I don't mind if studies come out and say there may be a link between mom's depression and children with autism, or a mom who was abused (uh, hello does no one see how this effects hormone levels?). I take it with a grain of salt and wait for conclusive evidence  of causality to occur, which may be years down the line if ever. But in the meantime is does give us something to think about and expand on. Im not afraid of that. And I'm less afraid to put people straight if they have jumped to the non confirmed conclusion. Big deal.

Because sometimes things are shitty. 

I would think that by this time in our scientific advancement another "refrigerator mother" situation would not rear it's ugly head. Im sure all the autie mom's would yell foul anyway, as would I. But the fact remains, some mom groups are freaked out by this, and discourage publicizing studies that implicate them AT ALL. And I think this is unfair to their children who actually struggle with , for lack of a better description, the condition of autism. They deserve to know, too. 

All of these thoughts lead me here; I've always felt there was something in my biology that was passed down to my kids. Perhaps I'm wrong in this, who knows. Sure, in the beginning it hurt to think about this. But as I've learned more, watched my babies grow over the years, and longed for answers closer to our genetic makeup and biochemistry, my understanding of myself is really starting to change. Not that I was in denial about myself, i just don't think I had as broad of an understanding.

He used to hide behind this wall and pounce on unsuspecting younglings walking by. *Pounce!*

Well ... I've been thinking I might actually be on the spectrum. There are several reason why I think this but at this moment I don't want to write a huge blog entry on it. So I'll save it for the next entry. 

The fact is, our bodies are so fricken complex and beautiful and PERFECT. Things go wrong, how could they not?! It is an unfair and  cruel trick of this corrupt earthly life, but I'm still enamored by our physical selves. The balance our bodies have to maintain is friggin amazing despite all the abuse we put it through. If you don't believe me, go learn some basic physiology or biochemistry. My goodness, your outlook might change. It's more than just a vaccine jab. It HAS to be. Don't you want to know how or why that is?? These mom's make me fearful for the future of autism related science, and relations between the autistic population we're trying so hard to protect and ourselves. And Im not kidding. 

... to be continued. 

❀I hate this life. Sometimes i get so tired of this hateful world and have to try so hard to push all that crap out of my head just to get out of bed. I look at my little ones' faces and try to hang on for them. If I were to die, if I were to end it, or even just give up on life emotionally, it would be the biggest insult to them and to God.

Yeahh, I think my low is pretty damn low today.

❀seasonal affective disorder in SUMMER?

I won't come out and say straight up that I have Summer Season Affective Disorder because I mostly just think my depression is year round with a few bouts of "normalcy". But, if I'm honest, this is the worst summer I've ever had (in terms of being non-functional). So it behoves me to look into what this phenomenon is.

Im not going to go too much into detail or education here because one can Google it and find various articles on the subject. Apparently it's relatively new in the field of psychology - which is weird. Suffice to say it's very similar to the winter version but with different symptoms; example with summer SAD one most likely eats and sleeps less, whereas in winter one might sleep and eat more. The result is the same, however, and that is you feel like shit. Ok moving on.

One of the coping mechanisms I was reading about involved surrounding yourself with imagery or anything else that would remind you of a more pleasant condition. So, for example, some therapies would suggest decorating your house with a winter theme in summer, especially if you can't get away to a cooler climate. This information hit me square in the face as I realized that I used to have similar practices in summer. Instinctively, I knew exposing myself to winter themes helped me get through the season.

For me, my summertime blues started between 5 and 10 years ago. It's hard to remember exactly because I automatically associate huge life changes with the birth of my eldest, who is near 10. Anyway, for several years in a row, once the weather started to heat up, I would place the third Harry Potter movie into the DVD player where it stayed, looping until summer was over.  If you've seen the movie you'll remember it was filmed in Scotland, snowy, rainy, foggy, the coloring was very cool - it was just a great movie to allay my hot weather hatred. A few years ago (maybe around 3) this practice changed into the constant running of the Ice Road Truckers series. Hmmm, all that ice and snow and puffy snow jackets.

Obviously I recognized the joy and change of pace watching snowy and cold environments gave me. I just didn't realize how significant and HELPFUL it all was in keeping me out of a bad low. This year I have done NONE of these practices, and as a result (probably) I rarely leave my house and want to crawl under the covers and sit in the dark trying to escape the heat and sun. It's not that I don't want to be outside or doing the things I normally would have done - like go to the creeks and lakes that I so love - but I'm just in hiding. I could not figure out why until I did my little bit of research.

Of course there are other factors that can come into play. For me it is also my great displeasure of summer crowds, my aversion to wearing typical, yet cool, summer wear like tiny tanks and shorts out in public, dreading how tired and overstimulated the heat makes me. I just don't have the energy to deal with it, I guess. I think I'll go put on a movie ...

❀a WTF type of night

Last night was a bit of a marital crisis for me. Many people these days probably won't even bat an eyelash when I say that I found a sexual tweet by my husband to some "unknown" cosplayer who posted a picture of her ass falling out of some skimpy shorts. Seriously, these things were basically thongs.

Fistly: I was already somewhat mental. And we had just had an intimate encounter, which will usually augment any emotion I'm already feelings. Go guess what? I went ape shit.

He promises it was intended to be funny as what he tweeted was a line from a movie. I know the line, I know what the line intends, but I was still furious and insulted.

After a long while of explaining his frame of mind as he tweeted it - which, by the way didn't help to make me feel any better at all - I drove off at 11 o'clock at night, wandering here and there and eventually ending up at Walmart to do some middle of the night shopping. What else is an upset depressed person going to do in the middle of the night?

Our culture is oversexed and desensitized to so much crap these days; we don't have traditional television for this reason. Do men not see how insecure a lot of us girls - no, sorry, WOMEN -  are?  Especially some of us who used to have great little bodies but have since BORE THEIR CHILDREN, become  a bit soft, and look a bit tired around the eyes these days? Can we compete with the young girls like that, flaunting their half naked bodies to the world? I refuse to compete with shit like that! But that doesn't mean I'm bursting at the seams with the greatest self-esteem.

One day that girl might be someone's mom. I know we all do crazy shit when we're young but we "adults" should be the ones thinking about that stuff and not contributing to stupid young-person antics. But at the moment she is someone's daughter, and in that respect I would expect someone who is already a DAD to just not bother "going there", joke or not.

I suppose one could argue that the cosplayer-girl doesn't have much security either, and I should feel sorry for her, or else why would she be showing off her body in such a way to a bunch of random people on the internet? Obviously she wants a response. Well she got it. From my husband, no less, who thought it was the coolest thing when she @replied to him. Woohoo. I hope he's happy because I'm currently feeling shitty and angry and insulted.

Even though I believe his story (now), it doesn't make me want to be all cuddly and cozy at the moment. Needless to say I slept in the living room last night and I don't even want to see him when he comes home. It's going to be weird. I love him, but I honestly don't want to be around him right now. I just want to be left alone. The sad thing is he's leaving on Sunday morning for a whirlwind trip several states away for a family event. I don't want him to leave while I'm still angry. Unfortunately I can't help how i feel, as much as I'd love to be able to have a switch for things like this. So, yeah... I don't know.

Sorry no kitty picture today...

❀im feeling hateful

These past few days have been a drain on me.

First: I'm really hating this year's summer. The heat has been a stimulus that I just can't overcome. For the last 15 years I've been living up and down the "valley" where the heat just collects during the summer and I'm no stranger to +100 degree heat. Prior to that I lived in the hot inland region of the state where, again, it gets to be near 100 degrees all summer. I don't like it, but I guess I just got used to it. Actually, now I think of it, I've never really coped well and even experience hot/cold flashes from exercise and heat that cause my skin to crawl. When I say "crawl" I mean it. It's like the most uncomfortable goosebumps.

kitty hugs!!

So, yeah, I hate the heat and even shaved my head one year because the stimulus was too much. But this year has been worse than winter. Doors shut, shades drawn, sitting in the dark, laying on the floor because it's cooler... I mean, I know other people have worse conditions but that doesn't mean I'm not truly and honestly tortured by this situation. This must be the summer version of SAD, which must seem laughable to some. Basically, I'm bummed out as ever.

There are some nice places around here that give me a sense of calmness. I don't know if it's just the change in scenerey - but I truly believe it has more to do with being swallowed up by nature. There are, in fact, studies that show children with ADD fair better when in very green and open spaces, i.e. nature-y environments. The outdoors is therapeutic. So for myself I do love to explore the more tree-filled areas here.

Do i even make sense here? Im talking about the infernal heat, then talking about being surrounded by greenery. It connects in my head *shrugs*.

Anyway, Im sick of living in towns with a Walmart, you know what I mean? I've been growing more and more in love with the wooded areas - the coastal mountains would be my absolute paradise - but I do enjoy warmth among trees and shade. This particular town we visit (below) is one of my current love affairs. There's not much there, i.e. drive to the next large town for supplies, but for me it seems perfect. Snow in winter, high temps in summer which is lessened by the tree and mountain shade, cicadas singing, the river, cute downtown... well I could go on.

A few photos I took on our last visit:

❀my pit

I rule over aaaaalll the legos!

It's mid morning and I'm sinking down the rabbit hole. I haven't medicated yet and I'm not sure if I should. I've already reached the point in this experiment whereby if I don't medicate I feel dizzy and loopy. I should not be on the internet in this state. I've already read one horrible story that sent me into tears, and feel like punching the computer screen when I read lame-ass bitch tweets in Twitter.

(You can tell Im crazy right now because I'm cursing all over the place like a sailor .)

Man I'm just stuck in a pit of self loathing. I keep going round in circles about how I've accomplished nothing in life, the dreams I once had (or do have) are unattainable because Im too stupid to figure out how to make it happen, and that I'm a loser for feeling this way. The lingering feeling of dread and anxiousness that something bad is going to happen is getting heavier as the day goes by. I sometimes hear myself saying within my own head that I'm going to die and will have lead an unremarkable and shitty existence.

I do feel unclever though. I make the mistake of reading interesting articles and blogs on the things I want for myself and for the family. I read about how people are living out a tinyhouse or minimalist life, and how their debt is dwindling, and how they feel free and have more time to do fun things with the kids or whatever. I think - What the fuck is wrong with me that I can't make any of that happen?? I COULD accomplish something but I'm AFRAID to get it wrong. AFRAID I'll suck at it or waste my time because my daft idea was stupid. I have NO faith in myself.

This one is definitely MINE!

Sure I went to university and graduated with honors - eventually. To tell the truth, I can remember being in high school and not really knowing if I ever would go to college. I remember thinking that I wasn't good enough to go, or that it just seemed too unattainable for some reason. It wasn't because I didn't want it, I just didn't think it was ... realistic. Who was going to help me? Certainly not my parents! Even when I was in junior college I don't think a proper 4-year degree seemed like a real thing in my mind - to say nothing of a graduate degree which I nearly began before I fucked that up, too.

This is all the kind of bullshit one has to deal with when they grow up in a shitty family where one is a drunken pot-head depressed person who constantly tells you how much of a loser you are and won't amount to anything, and the other just wants to escape by shopping their problems away and screaming at everyone else who merely exists in her path. How much longer until I figure out that I am in control of my own life?! And that the old bullshit doesn't rule me anymore?! Is that even possible?

Our Dragonkitty when he was little. I can hear him thinking, "If you touch my Legos I will destroy you."

❀I recently didn’t leave my house for two weeks. Normally, in a fit of anxiousness, I will spontaneously exit the house at weird hours of the night and go grocery shopping or whatever,  I think in a last ditch effort to be "productive" or just delay the ending of the day. Although the anxiety wasn’t as bad as it sometimes gets, I just couldn’t will myself to get out of the house. The kids have been pretty good, too. They will fight every now and then but in general they don’t seem to want to go anywhere either.



A few days ago I did have to leave the house (technically I had passed to the two week marker) to go to the market. Two weeks without going to the market will force you to use up all your stores of food - which is actually a good thing. My fridge was so tidy by the end of it all. And we even had less trash to take to the dump, so that was pretty insightful to how much waste a household makes.*****

Today is one of those days where I want to get out but can’t. My internal operations aren’t so great and I’m feeling pretty sickly at the moment. However, I’m fairly medicated so the anxiety - which was an issue during the morning hours - became lessened over the day. But I still had apprehension about getting Out There and just not enough motivation to MOVE.*****



This fucking sucks. I wan’t to get out but can’t because I’m either afraid of being around people, worried it’s going to suck (this has more to do with the kids and their sometimes unpredictable behavior), or… shit, I just can’t put my finger on it since it’s sometimes a combination of a ton of things and reasons.  All legitimate? Maybe.*****

I think the depression just hit relatively hard today. I had a shit ton of self loathing for no reason but a ton of reasons. Plus, the husband and I were mirroring each other’s apprehensive feelings about leaving the house with the kids, and general depressed mood. That is never a good thing - two depressed people who can’t will themselves to do anything productive in an effort to feel better about life. We’re scrooood.*****

I’m hoping I can make up for productivity by staying up late to get some housework done. It’s been so hot, even inside, and my desire to do chores is nonexistent when the Littles are running around making messes and requiring food every couple of hours.*****

Fuck me. I hate myself.*****

❀in which i write about feeling like a loner and food

<3


Please kittyhug me David. <3

About 8 years ago I discovered the raw food movement. I researched, started making foods (that were gross or complicated), bought some books, and quickly fell away from it. I think the pressure of providing meals that the family actually wanted to eat made me quickly give up. I felt guilty trying to make them eat things they didn't want to or that weren't filling. So I stayed preparing s.a.d. style - not every day as I at least had enough knowledge how to eat healthy as a vegetarian (or modified one)... so I thought.

Over the years my personal health has deteriorated, Ive had even more children who hate healthy food, and my cooking style has gotten worse.  I HATE food. I HATE cooking and I HATE eating. My health/well being is going down the drain. Im convinced that my depression is strongly related to my diet. I think I have an overgrowth of candida. I have body aches because I'm fat. I can't sleep. I have anxiety issues. I hate myself. Im always bloated. I'm exhausted.

So if I know all this why haven't I just gone back on the diet/lifestyle?

As much as my little family may love me, they are a terrible influence on me. And I have no one to keep me accountable. And I have little self control when it comes to food issues - at least, in this time of my life I do.

I try to get by alone, which is bad for me. My instinct is to be a loner. I barely keep in contact with friends from the past. I don't have any friends where I live, although you could say I've met people and have acquaintances. I even have a dear friend from high school who lives in my town although I've never met up with her, or talked to her on the phone, and I've lived here for 5 years already.

Why do I seclude myself?  I think I realize that I need people. And friends. Something happened while I was in my mid twenties and finishing college. That was the last time I actually MADE a new friend. Sadly she moved away, as did I. Myspace helped us stay in touch for a little while, lol. I think I'm just tired of things changing, people moving on, and etc.

So I stay a loner.

❀im finally doing it. Deleting Facebook... for real this time.

Turns out, I was right - it does nothing for keeping people in touch. (That, and I also don't trust FB.)

I especially loved the FB posts that were cryptic or even outright revealing, but the moment you asked a question about it ( 'cuz you're trying to Connect and shit, right?) the posts were either removed or you were just ignored, while others' comments were responded to. *If I just don't acknowledge her then maybe she'll just forget about her question. ^.^* And don't think PMs were any better.. they weren't

It's really ok, though. I'm glad. Unfortunately since I used FB like a blog reader I'm having to find 300 pages to add in a list on Twitter, lol. A bit tedious but OK. Sadly, some blogs/zines aren't even on Twitter. >.< I learned a long time ago not to use Twitter for friend connecting either. Both FB and Twitter have made me feel like a big loser, a failure, unimportant, and overloaded.

These analysis on the FB effect are so old and boring, I don't even want to get into it. Suffice to say, I'm only slightly upset I won't be conveniently connected whenever I want to be with, well, two people, maybe.

Another thing I'll miss are the groups. I belong to ONE group that involves an important topic to me. It's a topic that I don't have very many people to talk about with IRL so I'm a bit reluctant to leave. That said, I haven't been visiting the forum very often anyway so perhaps I can find another forum for this type of discussion. I just haven't looked yet.

I miss how simple the internet used to be. I remember when certain sites were new and everybody had a Blogger to post their vacation pictures, craft projects, and personal stories. Email was still useful for communicating instead of Logging into a site. Forums and group boards were the only thing out there similar to a FB. AOL messaging was so handy to keep in touch with internet savy friends.

What. The hell. Happened.
Monetization. =/ And speaking of monetization, I'm waiting to see what happens to Tumblr.

❀Minimalism and depression and why I'm attracted to it.

❦
My anxiety is often set off by "stuff". We have a lot of stuff. Not unlike many other households but I'm overwhelmed by it. Kids' toys all over - and I mean all over strewn across multiple bedrooms and the garage. Most are Legos, too, so , you know, good luck not getting stabbed in the foot in the middle of the night as you make your parental rounds to check said small humans. Ouch.

Then there's the clothes. The laundry pile has its own gravitational pull because I absolutely hate it more than anything. There are several reasons why I hate it but i won't go into that right now. Suffice to say it's a monster.  The closets are bursting at the seams and there are bins out in the garage that hold even MORE clothing, you know, just in case I actually lose this ugly body fat and am able to fit in my pre-baby clothing. Im not unusual in this, just pathetic.

Then we have all the electronics (and cables and plugs and batteries and blahblahblah), too many dishes and appliances, random things that go with other random things that I don't even know what they are, drawers that we call "junk drawers" were you're likely to find bits of duct tape, loose change, picture brackets, batteries, the odd screwdriver or birthday candles and etc... you know the feeling?

I've tried many methods to try and simplify, organize, and make life easier. But each method fails and I'm left with the remnants of organizational capsules and buckets. Enter: Minimalism. I day dream about true minimalism. I imagine living in a Tinyhouse or vintage airstream, having a couple changes of clothes, eating simple one-pot meals everyday (oh that my kids would actually eat the good things i put in front of their faces. /sigh), and traveling around on a permanent camping holiday. The freedom of such a thing, yes?

The trouble is I don't actually know if this would help with my anxiety over being swallowed up by our crap. And I actually like the idea of life as a Hobbit, who have a love of good food, comfortable spaces, and creature comforts that make living life in your own backyard enjoyable and more attractive and more complete than anything else out there... well unless your name is Bilbo in which case you're an anomaly. (Yes, that was my nerd face.)

I've discovered that my reaction to our mess/clutter results in the strong impulse to set everything on fire, all in an effort to control the situation in the quickest and most obvious way possible.  But lets consider the patterns that many of us depressed people have: Something can trigger an episode of depression or anxiety, I may then fixate on something unrelated to my trigger, and then either react by getting pissed off at everybody or everything (hence the Kill It With Fire attitude),  or go all immobilized and then more depressed that I'm sitting and stewing and not doing anything to change the situation because if I did I'd go all panic attack. Whew!  What a stoopid cycle. Oh yeah, and the cycle will probably repeat a few times before i get a handle on it.

Fun.

One of my goals for this year was to embark on a journey toward minimalism. I honestly don't know how far I'll get in that journey but there have been some small beneficial changes so far.  Definitely having some greenmedicine to ease any of my anxiety helps, allowing me to think less reactionary and emotional to our situation, and more practical according to the needs of the family. Example: 2 crockpots for a family of 5 versus just the 1. We'll see, though.

Oh and before I forget:
Keep calm and *kitty hugs*

I'll hug you but you have to get past these whiskers first. ❦

my experience so far with self medicating

I've almost finished my first batch of special cookies and brownies and I've decided that, while tasty, I do not like this method of medicating. It was impossible to get just the right amount of medicine.

And because I'm still adjusting to it, it can really hit hard and put me to sleep. So I try to only ingest a little bit during the day if I need it, and then a little more at night to help me sleep.

However, it is so hard for me to wake up in the morning - feels like when I would take Nyquil to get to sleep and it makes you feel hung over  the next day. I Hate that.

Anyway, there are lingering relaxing effects the next day with the cannabis and I notice it does help with the anxiety. A Lot! The downside is i might be sleepy and require coffee, something i decided needed to be given up due to the anxiety and other factors.

My poor baby looks depressed. She needs huggles.

The depression is another issue.

I'm currently researching both strains of cannabis and trying to figure if it's worth getting a supply of both and how I would best use them. (One strain is best for anxiety, the other for depression, and each strain has different effects - from what I've read so far.)

I don't even know where our dispensaries are here but when I find one I'll be picking up tinctures to try next.

I've also discovered that we have some fun looking cross-fit gyms in my area. I was initially turned off to cross-fit after watching some disturbing video of highly unsafe exercises, as well as much of the exercises are things you can technically do at home. Why bother going to a c-f gym for that?

Well I'm not a self motivator, I've known this for many years. I need to be held accountable. I need to be pushed by an outside force. I need to be in a somewhat competitive environment.

So I'll be researching my local cross-fits. My brain and fat, weak body would benefit greatly from the medicine of high intensity exercise.

Bahahaha, this makes me laugh so hard!

good days and bad days

I haven't written in a long time. I'd like to say that a lot has happened and things are better but in many ways I think they're worse. Some of it is better, if Im honest. ... I don't even know what I mean...

Things became so stressful for me that I wasn't leaving the house unless I absolutely had to.. as in to pick up the kids. Most of the time I was so full of anxiety that I'd just go to bed or sit immobilized. Shit was frustrating and still is.

I just realized I don't even remember what the heck I was writing about on this blog... I should review my own posts. =o.O=

Itteh bitteh kitteh says I Love You This Much

One of the latest things I've been doing to help with the anxiety (which pretty much became as bad a problem as the depression) has been medicinal cannabis. I'll write a bit more about that later as I'm still fairly new to using it and finding how to get the best results from it. Right now I'll say that it makes me feel similar to when I was on Geodon but a bit more functional. It still knocks me over and That, I don't like. But it does help. Again, I'll write more about it over the next several months.

Pffft, typical

Last evening around 7:30 ish I looked outside and marveled at how pretty it was. Golden soft sunshine and a cool temperature. Yet I still couldn't be bothered to make my way into The Nature. I'm not entirely sure why this was (isn't that the heart of chronic depression, that there's rarely a definable Why)... I wanted to go outside I just... didn't have the energy or desire.

Oh, I know I just contradicted myself - I wanted to go outside but I didn't want to. Well I don't get it either.

This made me more depressed.

I feel a bit better this morning and plan to go outside with my morning coffee and toast, promptly. Hopefully this will help with my moods as I find being inside perpetuates a depressed state. I also plan on doing a bit of exercise later on if I can find a moment's peace.

I realize this is basic stuff but depressed people sometimes need to be reminded.
❦