rambling. ranting. It all started while hanging out on the internet....

It pisses me off that nobody bats an eye when aggressive atheists to make fun of, mock, or verbally curse people of faith and call them bigots, but they don't see how they're the ones actually behaving like bigots THEMSELVES! FFS. I'm not even talking about the extreme religious person as from Westboro or anything like that being a victim of this type of behavior, but just ordinary people of faith who are minding their own business.

And to have a different world view is *gasp* the most horrible thing ever. When the hell were we not allowed to have opinions, original ideas, or views that reflect how we personally want to live our life?

I'm sorry but this planet is crap. People on this planet are shitty human beings to each other. Humans have made this planet a shitty one. And many of these aggressive atheists don't give a shit about that because they think everything would be wonderful if there was no religion at all. As if people wouldn't find something else to fight about. What about the societies where everything is determined by social class? Wealth? Skin color. Bull - fucking - shit, atheists.

Many people of faith actually want to help those in need, and want to improve their little corner of the world. Why? Not because they're afraid to go to hell (if you're a christian that should not be the reason you perform any good work!), but because there's a genuine desire within us to love, feel empathy, feel pity, feel compassion, feel that we've made good use of the time on this earth that God has given to us! But many nonfaithers don't see any of that or even care. They only want to ridicule and do nothing of importance with their own lives.

And why are christians fair game? Why do you never see this behavior against muslims? Are these type of atheists afraid? Pfft, cowards they are!

And why are christians (or anyone of faith) even involving themselves in debating these jerks? Why are we even trying to insinuate religion (faith) into science? Who gives a shit if it doesn't match up exactly with the bible? It shouldn't even matter what science says! In fact, much of it should strengthen your faith, not take away from it. (This was my personal experience.) There's actually a lot within the bible that's very progressive and accurate in terms of scientific knowledge, but we don't need to use that to prove anything to anyone (except maybe yourself for your own peace of mind if you wish). The bible wasn't meant to be a science textbook! It was meant to show us how to live in peace with each other and with God, to strengthen us spiritually, to teach us how to love people, and give us spiritual lessons that only those who want to learn can recognize.

The sad thing is that many christians are the reason why people hate christianity and paint us all with the same brush, without knowing us personally or being willing to have mature conversation. They don't care. They don't want to care. And we need to leave it at that. Unfortunately things aren't going to get any better. Perhaps if we all had our own island and our own countries, things might be different. (Mine will look like the Shire! lol) I don't know. It's useless to entertain such thoughts. I just really hate this culture that I live in.

Wednesday hump

Went for a nice walk today along the river with my SAHS (stay-at-home-son). We've been having some trouble regarding his education and I was feeling a bit stressed. He is also prone to anxiousness so I thought it would be better to get out of the house and try to enjoy some sunshine. I do feel less depressed right now. So that is nice.

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I've been neglecting my exercise routine. It's a sort of mish-mash of activities that are meant to be done in the house.  It's been feeling pretty good to do them and be fairly spontaneous and not so rigid about "regimens". Previously, I was going out in the evenings and walking for a couple of miles in the dark, but I eventually stopped doing it because walking at night just isn't very enjoyable. I imagine I'll be switching things up as I get bored of one thing and move on to another.

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The exercises I do are formated like a circuit and done with dumbells. I looked up a few kettlebell exercises or just adapted exercises I was already familiar with. It's always shocking how terrible my body feels the next day as a result of doing these exercises. Terrible, but in a good way.

I grow weary of never being by myself. Today, as SAHS and I were pottering along on our walk, I really just wanted/needed to turn off my brain. I need to turn off my brain quite often, especially when I'm trying not to slide into an anxiety attack or depressive thought spiral. But there he will be, wanting to discuss things that are only very interesting to a child and of no importance (such as how Gandalf could have possibly died, or some superhero's new weapon), or mention things that I feel obligated to respond to because that's what a caring adult should do so as not seem rude. It's very mentally exhausting.

*****

My little ones have recently come home, I've put the beans on for tostadas later, and I feel that I'm already trying to gather myself. My little ones hit me hard and fast both at once. If you've ever had multiple small children who are VERY energetic then you'll know what I mean. Essentially, I end up burning out very quickly when I'm around them.

thank goodness it is friday

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things just got shitty.

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lost... in life.... again

I'm testing the email-to-blogger feature to see if I like it. I know it's pretty crap for posting pictures, but we'll see if we can do about that later...

Today I'm writing about a feeling of great loneliness and feelings of being lost. 

This might not make any sense to people who are non-religious, but I've been "searching" for truth lately and I keep finding myself back at the beginning. 

I'll just mention really quickly that my life in a nondenomenational/evang church wasn't always bad. In the beginning of my spiritual journey it was a saving grace on it's own. I can't tell you how many times I was overcome with misery and wanting to just be dead. But then I'd be prompted to pick up my bible, go to church, listen to a sermon, and immediate relief would fall on me. Relief! That was indeed what it was.

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Anyway, to make a long story short: I studied my bible on my own, continued church when I could (my dealing with both depression and family life started to struggle) and eventually came to the conclusion that I was no longer happy in my usual churches. The services and church life just felt so hollow and when i'd go to church I felt nothing. It was hard to admit that all to myself. 

Needless to say my faith was under attack. My idea of belonging to any church was most definitely under attack. But I was always reminded of certain things that occurred in my life that I really couldn't explain away, and that I could only attribute to God. And so I always returned to Yeshua. I was also constantly reminded of how hard it is to be a christian by one's self. 

Fast forward: So I've been researching Orthodox christianity. It's always been my personality to want to verify things at it's source. So I naturally wanted to work my way backwards and see just where christianity (and all it's insane number of denominations/practices) came from. 

I've been quick pleased with what I've been discovering. But every now and then, as is common with people who deal with anxiety and perseveration, and get stuck in a loop of thought that if christianity (the first churches) were born out of judaism (indeed, the very first church fathers were jewish) then why do we not adhere to torah and festivals and shabbat, etc.? 

I am such a noob in the realm of orthodoxy that I cannot even be considered a noob. 

My husband helps me immensely when I start to overwhelm myself with anything, and he reminded me to "stay on target", lol, for nerdlings who know what that references to. But basically, yes - I just have to calm down and continue along the lines of studying orthodox origins and theology and traditions. After that, then I can focus on something else if need be. 

At the moment I am dealing with a headache that I feel is really connected to this sadness I'm experiencing. I often  feel actual physical symptoms of my depression and it can be very debilitating as well as depressing in it's self! I found myself returning to thoughts of wanting to leave this world and just be dead, if only I could be in the arms of All Mighty God, who puts all my tears into a bottle. 

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happy monday

The depression-Internet cycle

I am currently typing this from my bed on my iPod , and I can tell you it's not an easy task to pluck letters so slowly and try to form eloquent thought. It's hard enough at a keyboard where brain and fingers often play tag with each other. So I will try to be brief.

I am currently in a rage mode type depression. (That is what I call it.) But a consistent reoccurrence for me is a huge anxiety that revolves around the Internet .

During this phase of depression I'm more likely to be weepy, to research things online in a frenzied manner, and look up news articles in which I tend to obsess over the worst of the worst types of stories. Currently this is where I'm at.

I'm also likely to feel a desperate need to delete all my online social media, and I've already written about this.

What do I do? I'm asking the internets, an empty room where my little therapeutic blog lives. Why can't I fraking just do it? What the hell am I keeping them for? I have a need to be online but I don't really have a need for so many accounts, so why do I keep them ?

On the one hand, I think I'm afraid ill miss out on something, some vital information or event. This is the thing [they ] want you to believe. I'm also misguided in thinking I can find a community online. I think for me, I have too much expectation and also can't focus on one topic. It's hard to find people like you if you're always switching issues. Not that ANY of this shit matters.

I feel this applies to my inability to really jump into minimalism . Heck, I've barely made a dent or effort for the same reasons essentially. There is an anxiety (fear) stopping me. So somehow I need to find my way past that.