I can't take it today. I can't take it. I can't take it.

I'm the most fucked up mother. I hate that I can't do it right!!

disconnecting

When I'm in a "mood" or "phase" - gosh I don't even think these are the right words to describe what I'm talking about because I feel like this pretty much all the time, just sometimes worse than others - I want to disconnect from people. I want to hide in my hole, not talk to anybody, and erase any trace of myself from the meta. I've nearly deleted several blogs and a Flickr account because I just wanted to disappear (my husband stopped me). I've even seriously contemplated moving to the ends of the earth just to be far away - and it's not like I'm not far from the RL people in my life.

Lately I've been feeling this way. I try to connect, but then I realize how unimportant and uninteresting I am and that maybe I don't fit. I've never been very outgoing or extroverted when I first meet people. But once we can call each other friends I become VERY outgoing, and silly, and happy.

I've also taken up a new hobby of photography. Of course I'm not great at it, but I'm learning. But I'm also very hard on myself. So my expectations are high and so I'm currently feeling like I, well, SUCK. My sweet husband would totally disagree, but that's just the nature of having a low self-image and feelings of self- worth.

Shit, this all sounds so pathetic.

Last night I just wanted to be taken (sexually) by my husband because I was feeling low. I don't know how that happens - I'll be depressed, yet want us to fuck like rabbits. Sometimes I feel so emotionally spent afterward that I'm trying hard to hold back tears. Sometimes I just totally break down.

I LOVE my husband, and I think that realization of how I feel about him hits me square in the face after we make love, especially when I orgasm. I don't know. I don't really understand it fully. Maybe sex is a good release for me, although I don't always want it when I'm depressed. I'm sure I'm not the only person who gets this way - feels low and just needs that intimate connection to fill whatever feels empty on the inside. I don't think it's a bad thing, especially when it's within a stable, loving, and understanding relationship.--- WTF, am I giving advice?? I don't know anything. But it's just my observation.

um, Welcome to my blog?

I have never actually documented my depression before. I've kept journals off and on throughout my teen and adult years but only when "stuff" was going on, but I would usually end up throwing them away because the memories they brought back were too horrible. They would also act like a trigger;  whenever I would think back or re-read those journals it would send me to a pretty dark place.

I've been blogging as a way to deal with some hard things going on in my life for a while now, as well as I've been blogging about some really wonderful things in my life. But I try to keep it all separate. Not because I want to be fake or phony, but some RL people read the blogs and I don't want to sully a positive experience of those positive sites. I also tried being everything on one blog and it - well, it doesn't work. So I figure it's best to keep things as separate as possible. I don't know. Maybe I'll figure something else out along the way.

So anyway this is my own private (with exception of you, dear reader) and hopefully more consistent "therapy". Today I just felt the need to write out some of my thoughts, as I'm having a pretty hard time.  I'm most likely going to end up divulging a lot of personal and embarrassing stuff here. So don't think of me too badly or strangely...

But today is one of those days where I don't want to be involved with anyone or anything... and then again, I do.

I am so depressed today. I am really missing my husband and he's just at work. And all I want to do is vomit and stay inside my room. That's literal; I really just want to throw up because I feel incredibly gross.

I'm not sure what to do at this moment. I might take the kids to our favorite park. There would be shade and at least  its not blazing hot. I just feel like crap -  physically and mentally. Then part of me wants to zone out and not be connected to anybody or anything. 

I'm fighting back tears at this moment and I have no reason for it. I feel like I'm staving off a mild panic attack as my chest starts to have that butterfly-feeling. Even the sound of the loud cars on our street will add to my anxiety and aggressiveness. I hate it here in my messy house. I want to burn all our shit right now... and then again, I just don't have the energy.

We tried to take an excursion today. Went to the dam to just walk and enjoy the nice weather. It was stressful has hell. I really think Jonas needs medication. I'm so sick of his attitudes and meltdowns. How much is related to the autism and how much is related to the ADHD, I have no idea but I don't even give a shit right now. The stress on jim and I is becoming unbearable, to the point of mental and emotional exhaustion. I just want to scream my head off right now.

the meta and people who don't understand

I was just thinking about how hard it is to articulate what I'm feeling without sounding like I'm bitching and complaining about my children or my life. I already knew when I started this blog how it would "sound" and seemingly come across, and I go through a whole circle of thought about it...

I don't really socialize with other autism moms, and in my personal realm of friends I know 2 other people who have kids on the spectrum - but unfortunately I don't ever talk to them. Not because I don't want to, but because I just don't. I've never really been the reach-out-and-touch-someone type. Sad because one of those 2 people was my best friend in high school. Today, though, I did send out emails to them asking for advise.

The house is quiet right now. It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I'm also a bit depressed. So I got up to make some tea and hopefully relax when I started to think that maybe there really is no one else to talk to about my feelings. Like blogging may really be the only way I can express and "vent" and process. Then again  maybe not, because people who have read other blogs of mine have interpreted my words to be cruel and of a childish nature coming from a disturbed individual. And to that person I want to say Fuck Yourself, because you have no clue what it's like to have kids with autism or any other special need.

I seem to return to this person's bullshit statements because I do worry about what people think when I write this shit. But I always come back around to the thought that people who don't know aren't going to get it. They're not going to get that I'm providing my own therapy, that I'm doing this so that I can get through the hard times. They're not going to understand that I get so incredibly frustrated because I LOVE my kids, and don't want them to struggle with these problems. And if I didn't love them I wouldn't give a shit about their hardships - I wouldn't struggle against them, but rather let them do whatever the fuck they wanted. I wouldn't give thought to them getting hurt or trying to teach them. So fuck you, Eric. Because your small brain can't understand, and it never will.

I never thought my family life would end up like this. I never thought I would end up feeling like the shittiest mother on the planet - as though it's all my fault my kids have this problem. Yet I want to do so much for them. Again I made the mistake of vocalizing this in a very specific way and get called names and told I'm "running away" from my problem. But again, that bastard has no idea and can't comprehend what my intensions are.

So I made my tea tonight and all these thoughts came flooding into my head. In a way I would like the people closest to me to be able to read this. If they really cared about what my life is like, or at least how I'm doing emotionally --- it's like when you get asked, "How are you?" "How are things?" Do people really want to know? I hate thinking that they don't, but the reality is they probably don't really care too deeply about how you are. Mostly, I just don't think they'll understand.