My head feels so cluttered. Like cotton stuffing and I have no room to think normally. I can’t regulate myself well.

I want to throw stuff in my house away. I need to clean but I never feel like it’s clean enough. And the only way to do that is get rid of everything. So I obsess on it. I can’t make a move to just clean normally because my head is stuffed. And chucking it all is a way to clear my head - I guess. Makes sense.

My body feels full of pressure because of it all.

I’ve not had coffee in a couple days. I hope to keep it up.

I feel so lost. It’s like now that the kids are older too, and I have more time ‘for myself’, I just can’t seem to focus. I feel like I don’t even know how to make a decision. Organizing my thoughts is difficult. And my coping skill of zoning out doesn’t always help.

I want to clean my house but I need it empty and quiet. I have a busy and loud house, so there you go.  I like cleaning late at night when everyone is in bed, but I don’t have the energy at this time. Plus it’s summer, and it’s uncomfortable. I find myself getting heat flashes, skin tingles (like goosebumps), and feel yuck.

I want to throw everything away!

What if I don’t belong anywhere

I need to focus myself to learning something/s. It could be music related, crochet related... I’m really not sure. Medieval studies? Gregorian chant? It would be easy to just stay stuck in the sahm roll, but even many sahm’s find some business success while taking care of their kids. Why do I suck!

Conservation?
Japanese?
Latin bible studies?
Special edu?
Music/Occu therapy?

Where is my strength? It often feels like I have no strengths. I definitely feel lost, and have no confidence in myself. So where will I fit? What if I never fit anywhere? And what if I’m legitimately useless?

/sigh