motivation

So a lot of ladies, not just us depressed ones, probably have a zillion things to complain about when it comes to our weight and body jiggles that shouldn't be there. I have every bit of knowledge - or access to it - that I could need to create the body of my dreams. (Sounds corny, lol.)

My biggest hurdle is motivation. I've written about it too many times already. I think the important thing to focus on when one is depressed is that exercise will help make us feel better. For me, I do tend to get caught up in the "I hate my body" and "ugh I'm so fat" line of thinking, which is bad and only serves to make me feel shitty. So, Im reminding myself, that I need to try to focus on the "I just want to feel happy" motivation, ok?

Example:

1. God i feel like shit! ~ Bounce on the trampoline. 
2. I want to cry for no reason. ~ Do some jumping jacks and yell obscenities instead of numbers. 
3. So help me, I feel so alone and I'm going to shove that last piece of cake in my face. ~ Put on some trance music and just dance until you can't breath. 

Ok, so I don't know if those will work for you but perhaps you get the basic idea. Fell like shit => go do something physical.

Now for everyday maintenance:

For me, I have bookmarked one of those nifty and popular infographics that give you a list of exercises to do:

Now - I can't think too much about this. If I just complete it, I'll have won.

This...

this minimal but hopeful desire coming to you from someone with a degree in exercise physiology. I have ALL the knowledge... but I still struggle because of the depression. On the one hand it makes me feel like a failure - to have all this education but be so unhealthy. But then I try to tell myself that it's really the depression and chemical imbalance that's the real asshole. And I have the power to do something about it.

Today, Im writing this as a reminder to myself and to you, dear reader, that we just have to start somewhere and with the right attitude: Exercise is medicine for our fucked up brain. We NEED those endorphins. Let's start with that and we'll worry about our flabby love handles a little bit later.

Tomorrow

I feel like until things somewhat normalize in terms of husband's schedule and rush-about environment, I'm just not going to be able to relax.

My anxiety, or stress, has me pretty paralyzed. My house is also an extreme wreck. I will try my best to clean the kitchen and dining area tomorrow. Because of the way our house is laid out, I feel that as long as this section is clean I'll feel better about the rest of the wreck.

Then, I'm going to play at the piano. It's been a long time. So long that I'm essentially having to learn all over again.

When I was young I would pull all nighters playing at the piano. It was quite an escape for me.

Recently I've been feeling so much regret over not pursuing music.

(Never listen or be influence by discouraging "elders" who tell you that you'll die of starvation if you go into "art". You'll regret not seeing what could have been.)

At least, it would have been a way for me to cope emotionally, or have some kind of outlet. As it is, I really don't have anything.

I wonder if depressed people are more prone to be artistic in someway, or have that desire to be artistic. Maybe desire isn't strong enough a word. Maybe it's something of a necessity for us, in order to survive with a clear head.

Bah, Im talking out my butt.

the past catches up

I've recently been dealing with feelings I don't want to deal with. Some years ago my ex bf and I started chatting via email. At first it was harmless but then quickly turned into something ... well, crazy. It was necessary to cut off all communication and the whole thing ended with a few angry email exchanges. His final email was probably the harshest. I was upset, but just wanted to move on and be left alone to deal with things. He was upset but wanted to throw every bit of dirt he could pick up in my face. Needless to say, I never thought we would "talk" again.

Then...
A few months ago I received a very mysterious email from an address designed to remind me of a romantic past I had with him. He sent a couple short letters because I wasn't checking my inbox regularly, and I guess he was a bit nervous as to why I wasn't answering him. Basically, the letters apologized (in a very self absorbed sort of way) and asked if I wanted to try and talk again. I was confused and needed answers as to why he was contacting me now, out of the blue, especially after some of the horrible things he said to me.

In the end, and after receiving a pitiful explanation, I could clearly see he had not changed. He wanted to conceal our "friendship" from his live-in girlfriend, something that had caused a huge problem the last time. (How can any friendship be genuine when I wouldn't even be able to send him a card or anything in the mail? What kind of relationship is that with someone in the RL?) Everything in his apology was based around how he was affected and how I must have thought horribly about him afterward. It was like his conscience over how he reacted disturbed him merely because it tarnished his reputation. (Why would it matter what I thought or felt about him?) The fact that I might have had a really hard time myself was almost an afterthought. This is how it seemed to me after reading his letters.

Now...
After reading the emails I told him to leave me alone, and I wanted no such relationship with him. What I did not realize was that during this time he had been visiting my blogs and Twitter page. Now, I realize things like this will happen when you put yourself out there for the world to see. What sucks for me is I'm pretty positive that he found me through my husband's account, since he (stupidly, in my opinion) uses his real name on everything. I had recently come out of hiding from the virtual world, too, so this really sucked for me, especially since I Don't use my real name on Twitter.

I don't mind that strangers read my things (I've learned not to post too much out there that can be easily traced back to my real ID) but this has started to bother me where he is concerned. I can't help but feel he's passing judgment on me and just being a creepy lurker, not because he cares but because he's merely feeding a curiosity. Yes, there is a difference in my mind. Remember the "dirt" I spoke about earlier? A lot of that was his interpretation of me after reading some of my blogs, then twisted around and thrown in my face. So I guess the bottom line is that I just don't trust him.

I'm at a loss as to what to do and I'm starting to obsess about it. The scary thing is I don't know if I'm obsessing in that worried way I can easily get caught up in, or if I'm really wanting an opportunity to just have some contact with him. I've started mindlessly and obsessionally checking my stats, looking for his IP address. I used to do this with his emails when we first started talking those couple of years ago. I hate this feeling and I've been trying to figure out the What and Why of it.

I want to call him out on this in my blog. But I just don't know if this is the right way of going about it. I told him to push off and although I wish we could be normal friends, at this point I think things are just too awkward.