anxious

Today I kept my BigKiddo home from school because I felt way too stressed to actually get out of the house on time. It sounds so incredibly simplistic but here's what i was feeling...

1. I woke up feeling "normal" - nothing too out of the ordinary. But when I looked at the clock and realized my husband was almost out the door I just sort of froze up
2. I wanted to hide/disappear - I went to the bathroom and just sat there. I could feel more anxious at the minutes went by but it was kind of like I could stave it off. But eventually the clock hit the point where I had to leave in order to get BigKiddo to school... and then I felt some relief.
3. Still feeling anxious - I've been on the verge of a breakdown these past couple of days, maybe weeks. The thought of leaving my house gives me a lot of anxious feelings, along with the thought of going to the grocery store. I don't know what I'm avoiding really, besides being around people. I'm actually worried that as I get older and this continues to get worse that I could be a full blown agoraphobic. But it's not like I always hate getting out... I like driving around with no destination (just wandering), and sometimes the thing I want to do pushes me to "get over" the avoidance of people issue for just that period of time, although I still don't like it.

I don't really know what or why I'm avoiding. I'm avoiding my kids right now in fact. Yesterday I had to "escape" to smoke a cigarette because I was on the verge of rampaging... it's that point when the stress or anxiety becomes too much and your body wants to release all that energy in some way - like a dam that's been backing up and backing up until it finally breaks through. The noise, their noise, the outside noise... it all gets to me and makes me feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. Though I don't really know why this is happening so badly. Maybe it's a phase. Maybe it's time for meds.

I think I hate staying at home by myself. I love my kiddos, but being a stay-at-home mom was not meant for me. I think it's more frustrating that I don't even know where to start to address this... I hate being around people and I long to live somewhere secluded, yet I hate being ALONE. And when my husband is gone all day at work I get really depressed. I could be happy if it was just he and I all the time. Sound sick and co-dependent? Maybe.

And then why do I consider myself to be alone if my kids are with me?? Maybe I am just sickly obsessed with my husband...

My eldest is constantly getting into trouble at school. Shit he has so many challenges when it comes to school. And he's starting to get into a lot of fights. He's hitting other kids because they basically make him mad and say things that kids say like "I'm not your friend anymore" and etc. But he can't even explain to me properly what is happening and why he's hitting or getting mad at other kids. He can't even communicate simple things. But when he does we're blown away, so it confuses us.

I ask the teachers what's happening and why he's getting into fights, but they can't follow him around all the time and watch his every move. And even if they could it's not like they understand the nuances in behavior - I can understand better why Jones reacted a certain way if I can see it, but they might not be able to.

I'm at my wits end. I feel bad for my kid. And I just want it to not be difficult. Though I know things are going to be hard for him what's the point of continuing on when there's no change or improvement? That's where I'm at right now.

blah, pfft, argh, rahr

No, i suppose that doesn't make any sense. The truth is, I don't even know how to express or explain what I'm feeling/thinking. So let me start with basic physical descriptions that i can identify...

I'm fraking exhausted today that I can't even see clearly.
I physically feel very high strung, or agitated. I have no sense of patience today. And I'm crawling out of my skin in a I-want-to-punch-something kind of way.

I'm merely a SAHM and I've already yelled at my kids enough for the rest of the week... it's only 8:30 in the morning right now. And I really didn't want my husband to go to work this morning. I was just dreading it really hard.

This is one of those days where I'm fighting the constant thoughts and physical nerve twitching to get in my car and drive away. Just away. I've kind of done something similar but somehow I always manage to stay coherent and able to talk myself through some things... but I have to really be concentrating, and even then I don't listen to myself very well. Damn this all sounds like I'm a schizo but I'm really not. (I wonder if this is related to my ability to stay pretty coherent even when I'm trashed.)

I've been thinking a lot lately about some "friends" of mine that I'm not sure are really my friends. They're sort of virtual friends. Anyway, I don't really know where I stand with some of them and I'm wondering if my "reaching out" is really a good idea. I know too much about myself to think that it might not be. And I don't know if they're lurking just because they're curious, or because they really are trying to get to know me... sharing online is weird, isn't it? So except for a couple of those people, I'm thinking about committing "meta-cide" and erasing all trace of myself from online. Then I'd recreate myself where nobody would know who I am...It's like a do-over. Anyway... I don't know.

Maybe I should just take a break from the metaverse. Most likely I just need to come to terms with what being in the metaverse requires and includes - like expectations and learning to not get too attached to people who seem to be interested in you one minute and then not the next. It's just hard to get close and realize later on that it only hurt you. I've blogged in the past about random things and followed others' blogs about crafting and such, but this recent experience has been so different. I've met some really neat people, people I'd love to get to know and see/share/be a part of their life with them via online. But... like I say, some of the lurking people do is throwing me off, so I don't know what to think because I thought some of those people felt the same way I did - or do... oh well. For someone (me) who's very sensitive to feelings of low self-worth, who hates themselves off and on, who's always judging themselves, who's always thinking that the world would be better off them... I can't help but wonder what I did wrong. I guess I'll figure it out eventually.

exercise is medicine

I've been trying to workout more. Not just to lose weight and look better (although the way I look right now definitely makes me feel like crap), but also to feel better in general.

This morning I had a chance to go for a walk/run. Normally I exercise very sporadically, and usually at night since that's when it's the most convenient. I  never noticed much difference in my moods the next day. But today was different; I felt really energized mentally throughout the day. I ran errands and kept up with the kids in a way that I usually am not able... It really was like I'd taken an energy pill or something. I say energy but mean it to refer to my state of mind, not so much physical although I did feel some of that too. Of course I still had some struggles with the usual things but overall I definitely noticed, and my husband noticed, today I was different. 

I've only ever had 1 doctor get on my case about exercise during a depression. The other therapists and even the 1 psychiatrist never said anything - trying to stay in business I suppose. But it is so hard to motivate myself to do anything like that, especially when depressed or absorbed by mental crap. And I know exercise is medicine in so many ways - It's what I studied in college. Sometimes it is just so hard to do what we know we ought to do. Many people just don't understand what that means coming from a depressed person or someone who suffers with depression. I've had people tell me to just snap out of it ... as if. 

I am a little worried thinking that this might just be a fluke. But like I said, I'm pretty tired with the way I look right now so I've got that as another motivator to get off my arse. And I'm a little concerned that perhaps my internal clock will only respond positively to exercise when I do it in the morning, which will be a bit of a struggle considering I am so not a morning person. Ugh, I am SO not a morning person.

bipolar but not

I absolutely hate when I get upset/sad/angry in the space of an instant. I usually recognize it as a cycle where I get "high", or I'm on a high, and then I come down off it. Then when I come down off of it I get all depressed.

This can happen periodically throughout the space of a day, where I would be up and down and all over. These are the worst for me because when I'm "high" I'm actually trying to rein it in because I know full well I'm going to come down off it and it's not going to end well. Plus, it can be tiring.

I've been diagnosed with various kind of depression at various stages in my life - I'm not one for doctors or therapy. At one point I did have to seek help from a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me as bipolar. The thing is, I don't think I meet the full criteria. I've had the extreme incapacitated depressed lows that last for weeks or more, but not the "typical" high. Although in argument to that, I definitely feel like I've wanted to do some of the things she mentioned people in that state will do - like spend all your money, be promiscuous, etc. I've struggled so hard to NOT do those things that I guess it doesn't count. Anyway, I think she was diagnosing me based on a family history. So, I got on meds and I suppose they helped - well crap, how much damage can you do when you're zoned out and exhausted all the time? So I got off the meds (which were that newer form of atypical antipsychotic medication... Geodon). I hated them anyway. I couldn't function and at the time I had my almost newborn to take care of, and a toddler in the process of being diagnosed with autism, and my oldest child who has his own struggles. Plus, I didn't want to have sex... and I'm sorry, that just sucked.

In response to the bipolar high: I am always tired. I remember being in high school and thinking it was a fucking amazing day if I wasn't yawning all the time. The source of all that tiredness is something I can't pinpoint, though I've never really tried.  Like, I don't spend DAYS awake taking on a shit-ton of projects or anything, but I'm an insomniac. I've also had mental fights with myself over taking the kids and just driving away - just leaving, moving to another state, or exploring - especially when my husband and I are having trouble. My mind seems like it gets fucked and there's no more logic at that point.

I have pretty sharp highs and lows I would say. When I am high I get hyper - like jumping off the walls, tackling my husband, loud, screaming with glee with the kids hyper. But I've read that aggression can be a form of this hyperactivity and I do get... sad to say... pretty aggressive. There are times when I remind myself of my father who was a drunken tyrant.

The lows during this cycle are usually the I-want-to-cry-and-sleep kind. I lose all energy and get all the other things typical of being depressed. And like I said, sometimes this happens throughout a whole day.

I hate it! And when I'm hyper/high because I know the low is coming, it's just a matter of when. Fortunately this cycle hasn't happened in a while for some reason. I think maybe because I'm too busy being regulardepressed, as opposed to semi-bipolar depressed. Wow, my explanation sounds lame. "I'm only diet-coke depressed, not regular-coke depressed." *shakes head*

do you ever feel ugly?

Do you ever feel ugly? And then cycle back not having the energy to lose that extra bit of weight, or take a shower, or do the laundry, or brush your teeth? On and on it goes. I hate that.