Continued from https://calmkittyhugs.blogspot.com/2024/03/my-brain-hacking.html

I really love singing. I’m not a strong singer, as in my voice is kinda wimpy, but i still enjoy it and am trying to improve. At the moment i have bad allergies and my throat is swollen such that even speaking feels tiring. And when i swallow there’s a lot of clicking in my throat. I want to sing but it’s uncomfortable right now. I certainly shouldn’t be trying to extend my range right now because of it, but i really want to practice!

I’ve been questioning whether or not to continue with flute or to switch to voice. I would love to sing early music and learn to accompany myself on the lute. I’ve been seeing this in my mind a lot. So it is something to revisit and check in with. 

I love the flute. More specifically i love the historical flute and recorder. Right now i have to do my studies on modern flute, which is fine but just not where my heart truly is. 

My brain hacking

 Useful visualization and meditation:

Cluttered counter with black boxes full of negative emotions getting in the way of me living life. Name then, try to find their root, and the effect it has on me. Then gather up the boxes and give them into The Big Hands, God. 

The counter space is now clean. Breath deeply for a bit and FEEL how light it feels to unload those boxes and have a clean space.

Now place the flowers off the counter space. 1. Bucket of yellow daffodils for self love (acceptance and kindness of my adult self towards my child self) and other kinds of love. 2. Purple echinacea for happiness and joy, and thankfulness, which are usually smothered when there is fear. 3. White calla lilies for calmness & courage.

Meditate on these representations and visualize them being beautiful and bright on top of the counter space. And visualize being on stage, in the center of attention of a performance or exam, looking at ppl in the crowd and maintaining CALM. 

———————

Give all the fears to God. Put them in Jesus hands. Name everything you fear: of not being perfect, of making mistakes, of being watched, of not being accepted, of what people think of you when you mess up. Etc. Name it all. And tell Jesus you don’t want it, it’s unhealthy and harmful, and he should take it away.

Now breath freely. The table is clear. Imagine an empty room or table, fresh breeze and sunshine, a bright empty space. Stay there for a moment. 

Revised 1: 

Sunflowers! They stand tall and brave. Everyone can see them, they can’t hide. They are not afraid to be seen, they love it. They are beautiful and must show that beauty so others can be happy while looking at them. They love the sunshine. They follow it all day long, their face smiling into the warm beam of light. 

I am a sunflower! I stand tall and brave, not afraid to be seen by others, and not afraid to make mistakes. The spotlight on a stage is warm like the sun. It is like being shined upon by God while he’s watching over me. Sunflowers are not afraid to make mistakes, and neither am i, because it is my heart that really matters. Feel free and Let the people see your heart for the music, the joy and happiness, that is what is important. 

Revised: 2: 

Purple Echinacea. The beautiful violet is a combination of the blue and red, the water and blood that spilled from the heart of Jesus, for me. The blue and red signifies the healing that is taking place within me. My true self is one with Jesus, with God. My true self is all grown and free from these hang-ups. My true self loves me as i am as though a child. She is my big sister, but also the comforter i need to help me heal my wounds. I don’t have to be perfect. There is no shame or guilt for being imperfect. Our heart is what is important. I will always be loved and accepted by God and my truest self. That is what really matters. She is me and i am her.

Revised 3: 

White Calla Lilies. Beautiful white callas promote such a calm and peaceful state of mind. I envision walking up on the stage, able to breath, able to think, my heart rate is slow and gentle. I stand there, looked at by everyone and i smile! I am fine. I am at peace, and ready to have some fun. I am asked questions and i answer easily, no matter what my response is. Everything is ok. Everything will be ok. Let the people look at you, and smile at them. SMILE! You can’t help it. Calm and peaceful rest allows you to be free. 

Im a fat

 Here we go again…

Ok here’s the plan:

Water fast for 3 days. When hungry and feeling desperate… milk? Broth? Maybe both, I’m not sure. And then keep going. 

I’ve got to get this weight off of me. 30 pounds minimum. And i can’t be bothered to workout regularly. I like working out my way, i like being fit and feeling strong, but I’m just beyond having a strict regimen. I’m just so over doing the really hard and grueling workouts. Perhaps things will change if this fkn weight can come off first, but my brain just can’t do it. My gym class is all i can do, and I’m super bored and not really even wanting to be there. I miss my outdoor walks. 

And i can’t carnivore. I don’t know. My brain just can’t get on board with it anymore. I don’t fully understand why but i then again i kind of do.

I just don’t want to be hungry. I don’t want the low blood sugar effects. I don’t want to be food and sugar addicted. I think fasting is just so mentally and psychologically “pure” as a practice, and there’s no question about what needs doing. The only question is how extreme, and even whether or not i can tolerate it. I think i will struggle with a lot of dizziness and weakness, which is why I’m contemplating the glass of milk allowance. A salt broth shouldnt interfere too bad, it just won’t be a pure water fast. But hopefully it will be ok. 

I really want to do this. And i really do want to have a better lifestyle, being active with the kids, and feeling fit again. Maybe even running again because my knees can handle not lugging my heavy arse aground. 

I just want to purge so much crap out of my body and spirit. 

I hung out with a lady  I’m getting to know after our concert and it was kind of intense, but good. We walked on a nearby trail and all sorts of things about us came us, since we both come from trauma, although she won’t admit it. Then i had my music lesson. Afterwards I crashed hard and even had a cry as all that ON energy was allowed to turn off. I was mentally & emotionally exhausted. 

Fast forward to the end of the week and i decided to join a third choir, where this lady sings on a regular basis. She seemed a little moody at one point but i tried not to read into it.   

I have a couple good friends who come from trauma cptsd and we get along fine. Perhaps because we understand our issues. When i meet this lady - as damaged people often do - we bonded. The first thing she asked from me was to pray for her. And i did. We quickly saw similarities in each other based on what i know of as trauma. 

But i can tell this friendship will be more challenging because she is in denial and in magical thinking that she will heal. Meanwhile i have to hear about problems and deal with the bad moods? This may be hard for me…  At one time i was talking about something and she asked we not talk about it any more. So clearly going the route of recognizing trauma responses, using the word trauma, and anything not to do with praying will make her uncomfortable. 

I will not be able to offer anything that I’ve learned except a hearing ear, i think. She wants to believe God will heal her. That is fine but not how we work through reality and pain. And it is magical thinking  which, i believe, will only lead to frustration and stagnation, unless she can get to a point where shes mostly apathetic. Not a healthy thing, imo.

She did reject a link that i sent her from pastor Tim at ReAct, which is fine. I only threw it out there as a suggestion anyway. And she wanted to tell me Thanks But No Thanks but was again too, regretting a bit that she had overshared stuff. I wasn’t surprised by anything she said. But perhaps felt bad that i would not be able to share what I’ve learned because, as she puts it, God is just going to heal her. Meanwhile, she sometimes seems miserable, believing she’s under constant spiritual attack. Does she believe God wants her helpless???

My own trauma responses and tentative stability could be shaken here.  So i don’t know what to expect. I know I’m feeling like i dont want to get too close and just start backingaway, but it might be a little too late For that. Then again, maybe she’s feeling the same.