Im trying to leave the house to work on a project at church. But ...

via chat to my husband:

im having a very difficult time leaving the house. this sucks. I keep saying "we'll leave in a little bit" but we're still here. and then Eldest asked if we could "go to barnes and noble real quick" and i was like "NO". I feel bad. But what can i do? What am i supposed to do? what is expected of me? I never get to take care of myself. this is why people are drunks.

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I have been tasked with doing some more "projects". I didn't feel immediate stress like i have in the past and i think its because ive been so freakin tired. You know the kind of tired where you pretty much dont feel anything. Its been like that. You know the kind of tired where it makes you sick, like you've been up all night and ready to retch by the morning. On top of that, Ive been feeling sick in other ways too gross to write about here. So im basically just being a grouch?? Im also just tired of people who always seem to want something from me. (That last thought might be an overstatement or irrational belief, or some other nonsense thing my therapist would say to me.)

So a family is getting baptised in our church. Its a wonderful thing. Im very happy for them. At the same time it was me and one other person who got saddled with doing 6 robes at the last minute. I wouldnt have minded doing one, maybe two, and over a period of a couple of weeks. But we were supposed to gather a group of people together to work on the project TOGETHER. Of course, when only one or two people can sew, the whole effort is pointless. (I don't even really know what im doing when i make these robes. I sort of just hack it...)  And i had a feeling it would end up the way it did. Like what did they think would happen? And I had no idea who could or couldnt sew. So of course myself and another woman were like asked if we could do them all. I just didn't/don't appreciate having to do it all at the last week. Like, where is the communication? Our priest doesn't communicate well either. He lets people know at the last minute of the things they're supposed to do to prepare. Im just really annoyed. At the same time, like i said, im very happy for the family coming in. They are really sweet.

I just wanted to write this out as its obviously bothering me, especially on a day like today where Im supposed to get to my church to work on the robes i have left, only Im struggling to leave. I guess its anxiety, what else would it be. I start to feel it come up, but then it settles. Im constantly bouncing from distraction to distraction. I think it must "relieve" the anxiousness in some way, so that when I start to turn my attention back to what my main focus should be, it comes back. So yea. Today is not good. 

I will try my best to leave eventually as these things have to be done by tomorrow/saturday morning at latest. Im terrified the other person wont be able to finish theirs and I'll have to do those ones too. 

I know why im scared to tell people anything about my "problems"...

I had a realization this past weekend when my mother came to visit. I was telling her about some issues I was dealing with and some things that give me a bit of a panic and ... she starts laughing at me. Of course, when i point out awesome it was that she could laugh at me for having real problems, she was quick to point out she was laughing at me to spite me... Whateverthefuck that means. So you're not laughing at me, but laughing with me? Only, I was never laughing.

Anyway, I realized this is a very typical pattern from my mother, which is why i don't tell her anything either. The past few years I've felt my mom and i getting closer, then something will happen and I'll pull away, and then closer again, and then pull away again.... I guess Im back in pull away mode. And i think i will not be initiating any more conversation about myself with her.

There is ONE awful memory i have of my mom laughing at me and mocking me. Our whole family was fighting, and at one point my mother came into my room and we were yelling at each other for who-knows-what. I want to say I was in middle school at the time. I told her how much it hurt me that she never paid attention to me, that she was coming home from work and immediately yelling at me, and that she never hugged me. Yeah, I told her that. And she laughed at me, out loud, and proceeded to try and hug me while "consoling me" in one of those baby-talk voices.

I had years and years as a kid of seeing her come home from work and dote on my little brother, while I got yelled at for not cleaning my room or - who knows whateverthefuck it was. I do not exaggerate. For many many years it was awkward to even tell my mother "I love you", so I never said it. If it did get said it was by my mother first - like after a phone conversation -  to which i would respond with the same words, but never with heart. Growing up, it was never said. I never heard "I love you" or remember being hugged a real hug of love from my mom. (My dad maybe a little more, but he was/is psycho, bouncing from telling me I was a loser and stupid and ugly etc, so i was just constantly getting mindfucked from that side.) I guess for a long time i didnt even know if I did love my mom. I sometimes still dont know. Hugs, like at birthday/holiday gatherings or whatever were awkward, and so they never really happened organically either. Only in the most recent years has a hug and kiss on the cheek, and an 'I love you' at the end of phone conversations, not felt overly weird. It still feels weird, just not overly weird.

Anyway. Im not sure what to do with this information. If it wasn't for my kids, I don't think I would have any relationship with my mother. I did it for them. And for her, because I didn't want to feel guilty about keeping them away from her. She's good to them. I guess. They love her. She loves them. Im stuck with her at about this point. And there's other drama that I could talk about right now but its exhausting, and Im trying not to put my head in too dark a place when it comes to my relationship with her.