# Christmas

(this post written in haste. forgive the atrocious errors in grammar etc. I'll probably edit this later.)

This year we technically don't celebrate Christ's nativity until January 7. It's nice to be separated from the commerciality of westernized christmas. For many years I have been struggling with the whole ordeal of gift-giving, santa clause, reindeer and etc. It cheapens the true meaning of what christians are supposed to be celebrating. It's also overwhelming, needlessly so.

So as a christian, one of the most liberating things I've done was find Eastern Orthodoxy. I know, many people would still roll there eyes at this - which is their prerogative.  But since converting from the typical western protestant evangelical version of christianity, I've realized just how messed up the western tradition is.

Yes, it's still a "conservative" faith when compared to the anything-goes mentality of the west today, but it's much understanding of human struggles, the theology of the faith is much deeper, and it's more historically informed than that western christianity. Funny topics like that of the comic above are actually discussed within the faith of Orthodoxy. They certainly don't shy away from controversy and intelligent discussion. And I like that they know where to draw the line... there are just some things that CAN'T be dialoged because there's no comparison between the topics - like oil and water. 

Aside from this new-to-me discovery of an entirely different way of viewing God...

I've long been repulsed by christmas holiday celebrations. People turn into jerks. I haven't seen my husband for days and days because of all the insane christmas shopping binges. The kids have lame christmas concerts all about santa and elves and ringing bells with depression... yeah, depression. At this moment (christmas eve) the only decorations i have up in the house were made by the kids while they were in (public) school. To be fair, I did put up an outdoor patio light garland, but I do that sort of thing regardless. I would ban gift giving in our family if I had any measure of control over other family members, even though I ask Husband to relay the message along. That said, I did pick up some Star Wars sticker books, and reading books for the kids to unwrap. Perhaps I'd feel really guilty if I didn't have anything to surprise them with, so I make up for it by getting them small things. I think each year their little piles get less and less. I'd rather just get them small things for fun, but I wish I didn't like I had to. And they never complain about what they get, even though they beg all year for crap. 

I've also got to know people from other countries and learn about how they celebrate christmas within Orthodoxy in their home country. I think there's lots of room for us to create our own traditions as time goes on. And perhaps that's what the majority of my problems are with regards to consumerism and a supposed religious holiday - I need to establish a break between the winter celebration and the nativity of our savior. Maybe Christians need to give the day back to the pagans ;) 

So anyway, Happy nativity. 

# homesick for somewhere that makes me sad (part1)

Is this sick? Or do I legit miss something special about someplace that reminds me of a sad and difficult time? In particular, Im thinking/remembering heavily on the Mission Inn in Riverside, Ca.

This is not a commercial post. I don't care if anyone visits or knows about this hotel, although I personally think it's a pretty cool campus. But I am truly "down" this holiday season (as is usual), and in many ways I "miss" parts of southern California that I would normally NEVER want to visit. But with so many things that freak me out about my home stomping grounds, (and remind me of many sad times) why is this so?

Perhaps I have explained that I loath the Christmas season. This wasn't always so, although there were many aspects of the holidays that made me uncomfortable from an early age. As I've gotten older (and maybe more depressive) the ordeals of adulthood have really put a stink in the festivities for me. There are many reasons i could list for why this is, but I didn't really want to dwell on those things right now since I feel I'm always searching within myself for "WHY I AM THE WAY I AM", if that makes any sense. Basically, I don't think I truly understand myself with regard to this particular issue. 

I have a clear sense of a sort of time travel during this part of the year. I remember the cold, dry air of walking around downtown Riverside, wrapped in my heavy vintage coats, still dressed in my black attire (uniform) from working at the [tremendously popular] coffee house. I was usually alone during these walks, and they may have occurred at night or late afternoon. I spent a lot of time alone, thinking, trying to not maintain any sense of stability. There was a cute little coffee house that was a part of the Inn, and I'd usually get a hot chocolate and just people watch. 

Ok, quick insert. I wasn't completely a loner. I spent lots of times hanging out with friends, going swing dancing, bar hopping, and other stuff. But, because of my depression, I did spend LOTS of time alone. 

Perhaps, this "time travel" is actually what's making me sad. Although I'm beset by a strong urge to get in the car and drive off to Riverside. It feels like a fricken homing beacon in my mind. And what would it accomplish? Would it be a relief? Would I be more depressed? Maybe it would be cathartic, and facilitate a much needed breakdown. 

Do you ever feel this way? - That sometimes it's really hard to breakdown, or cry, or release these miserable feelings. 

... I was fighting off the effects of all the dementors with all the chocolates. 

# Why Agents of Shield bothers me

We've been going through the Agents of Shield series, hubby and I. It's ok. Typically not my kind of genre, even though I love corny sci-fi/space opera stuff. It's very comic bookish - which is fun - it's just not a genre that makes me jump up and down. In fact, it totally reminds me of Firefly, and I can't watch it without comparing the two. It's very unfair, i know. But there you are.

Yes, I realize Joss and his bro had a hand in it, and probably some of the crew worked on Firefly...or maybe even Dollhouse. But there are funny obvious linkages that I can't see past. Let me explain:

Zoe vs May - Gina was amazing as Zoe, and portrayed stoic and tough-girl brilliantly, while still making her lighter side believable as when she'd crack a joke, or tease Wash. Basically, I bought Zoe's character. But the Melinda May hardass persona is way too contrived, and it just seems forced. I don't know if it's the fault of the actress (loved to hate her in Stargate Uni), or the writers, but I don't buy the character. At all. She annoys me.

River vs. Skye - Ok, whatthehell, how many mysterious female lead stories is Joss going to tell? (Oh yeah, don't forget Echo.) We have a really cute, young girl that some unknown shit was done to. With River it was mental probes. Skye now has alien blood and a mysterious birth. The people they live with are freaked out by then because they most likely have some weird, funky powers, and no one knows if they'll just lose it one day and kill them all in their beds. Really, I'm barley interested in Skye's storyline at this point.

Serenity (aka Mal's "boat") vs.  S.H.I.E.L.D. Globemaster (aka "the Bus") -  Really? Do I even need to discuss the direct crossover here? Let's also not talk about the layout of the set, ie the cargo hold leading directly into the science lab (Shield)/ med bay (Firefly). Ok, that just irks me. I guess there's not much you can do with an airplane, or belly of a cargo ship... but I can't get past it, OK. Even the engines swivel, making the whole shape of the exterior remind me of Serenity. I can't help it!

The Mule vs. Lola. It's so cute the way they name their little extracurricular vehicles.

One last thing that i can think of and then i promise to stop pissing on the show, because the truth is it's not a terrible series.

So if you remember in Firefly there is an important scene which introduces River. Mal kicks open the lid of her refrigerated container, releasing thick vapors which are clouding all around a young, naked girl tucked into the fetal position. It's a very cool scene and the reveal is quite a big one, but to which Mal underwhelmingly responds with, "Huh." The scene abruptly ends and you're kind of left going, "But, wait, didn't he see the girl...in the box...frozen?" It's kind of comical. Well - you guessed it - a similar thing happens with Agent Coulson (who is super hot for an older dude, by the way) as he discovers the secret to his surviving being KILLED. It's a really good reveal, so i won't spoil it yet. Again, a huge secret exposed to which he simply responds, "Huh." Scene ends abruptly. Had I not already been comparing Firefly with Shield, I most likely would have giggled at the scene. Instead, Im sorry to say, I was ANNOYED!

So why do I watch it? Mostly because hubby does, and i get snuggles out of it. =)

Ok, so I will say that I totally KNOW that the Bus is basically another character in the show, not just a passive piece of background. It's their home and it plays a huge part in the way the characters behave. It's as close to space opera as I'm going to get these days. But I can't help but feel that this is just another chance for Whedon and Co. to remake Firefly. And honestly, that kind of stings and makes me sad. I'd rather just have old Firefly because I'm not a big comic book fan. But apparently, a lot of other people are.

Here's some cats:

http://www.jennyparks.com/catvengers

# this pleases me

# can't sleep & about to cry. This is how I distract myself.

< For my own entertainment >

I'm looking up pics of David Tennant. =)

David loves kitties! Just like me! Look at all the kitties! Look at them!

Here he even is with a drawing of a kitty. Doesn't he look like he's having the best time ever!

David, I love you so much. You know what? Im not feeling so great today. Do you think you can help me?

I feel horrible tonight.

/sigh...

I'd really like a kiss. Not a big one. Just something modest. Like in the episode Girl in the Fireplace. 

I mean, even Barrowman snogged you. *shakes fist*

So can I? Huh? Can I? Huh? Can I? Huh? Can I?

shit. You just made me cry.

That's ok. I forgive you.

=^.^=

Purrrrrr & MEOW.

# you mean i have to leave my bedroom now?

I've been on a ska binge lately. Early traditional ska/rocksteady, that is. It helps immensely when I start to get stressed out with things to do, leaving the bedroom, cleaning the kitchen, etc. Pretty much, it helps with everything.

So thanks Pandora, because some of my old ska cd were stolen this past summer, and I never really had too much traditional ska from the 60s, which I find much more fun than the two-tone of the 70s/80s, or 3rd wave of the 90s/00s. I do love me some Madness, early No Doubt, and Hepcat, tho!

Anyway, enough talking about that. The point here is... musics. It helps. Kthxbai.

# You know its bad when ...

Im in a hurry to get some therapy in while the hubs and two-thirds of the kids are gone getting chinese fewd...



I feel so fucking manic today. I don't even know if manic is the correct word. I feel antsy. I feel neurotic. I have these weird urges to scream for no reason... or bash my head into a wall in hopes I'll go unconscious... or just headbang and wave my hair all over the place like I'm in a mosh pit...(Good lord, that reference takes one back, doesn't it.)

I needs calming hugs and kissez because I hate feeling this crazy. I was getting so annoying? crazy? overwhelming? to the husband that he pretty much put my weed tincture in front of me without saying anything. So there you go. Hoping to find that sleepy spot of chill in a little while... hopefully.

Today is a day of immense frustration

Actually it started about 3 or 4 days ago when I started my period. I haven't always had rage pms (I don't think), but I really notice it these days. I have no patience, no tolerance. And it lasts for almost all of my period, not just the pre time.

So basically Im a bitch... or just bitchy... I don't know if that matters. Funny enough I still have the depressive habits while Im "pms-ing", I'm just super angry and moody. Sucks.

I want to rant about some things but it's just useless to. I don't think i will actually help me, merely fuel my already smoldering fire-head.

My house is a damn wreck right now. I don't want to clean it. But people might be coming over this weekend (something i feel slightly pressured into doing) so I need to start now if I want to get it done before Sunday. Friday night cleaning. Fuck this. Fuck all this stuff we have. I don't even know, dude.

I've been having trouble with scheduling "school" for my eldest. We homeschool since he was having trouble in public school and no one was even trying to assist him. Our efforts with a public charter school homeschool program didn't fair too well either. It was, quite simply, a disaster and caused numerous fights and tears. So now we "unschool" or whatever you want to call it.

I like having him learn things according to some type of schedule because... well he's autistic, and often can't even decide what to order at Taco Bell without great distress, let alone be expected to organically explore the world and engage in learning on his own. (This sounds harsh but it's the truth right now.) His view of interest is incredibly small, and cannot be expanded without parental help. But this had been difficult. My depression and personal stresses have really interfered here, not to mention he still gives me trouble when I ask that we "do some work".

I have a lot to learn. I honestly don't know if I'm up for it. But we're already in it, so there's that....

I was feeling incredibly tired and had to go to the doctor to ask for some bloodwork to be done. The results came back and they only indicated a vitamin D deficiency. ... WTF ... I swear I thought I was dying! I couldn't even stand up steady in the examining room. My brain is always chuggy and foggy. (I know my writing on this blog sucks) I can't ever think straight or concentrate. I often check out books from the library and never finish them because i can't focus. I'm overweight and whenever I try to get some exercise (usually just a low intensity) my body feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. I grew up an athlete and maintained that pattern into my 20s. But this is horrible that i can't even ease into it because of all these bullcrap issues. I don't know what Im going to do.

So they checked thyroid, iron, some other things. There's NO WAY that I only have a vitamin D deficiency! *sigh* So I'll have to address that and hope for some improvement.

Life sucks. But Im really tired and with no energy for anything, so I think everything sucks. It's not really an accurate view of life at the moment - on an intellectual level at least I kind of understand that.

amnesia

No, not amnesia. I meant insomnia.

Im so friken tired.

messed up skin

I have loads of things to vent about apparently...

I've worked hard to clear up my acne. I still struggle with it but it has significantly improved from deep, cystic, painful, red, feverish rashes, to the once-a-month breakout here and there. I don't think I'll ever really be free from acne, and the scars are pretty much here to stay.

I feel ugly. Like, really ugly. There have been random times when people have actually complimented me - complete strangers! - and told me that I had nice skin, or I was beautiful, or they liked my hair. I always smile and say thank you, and then I think: They don't know what they're talking about. On a very very very rare occasion, I might agree that my skin did look pretty healthy and nice that day.

My makeup routine has gotten a lot simpler too. I've never been very into makeup because I didn't know anything about it. I've used it from time to time, but had no idea what I was doing, and really just wanted to cover whatever acne I was having and scarring. Since then, I've had an on and off again relationship with things like foundation, and since the Youtube trend of beauty gurus I've been able to learn a lot about how makeup is supposed to work.

For a while, I was down to just using a powder, some mild blush, tinted chap stick, eyelash curlers, and a little eyeshadow for fun. My oily skin glowed in a healthy and youthful way. But now my skin is going through a metamorphosis (I believe with the weather change) and it's looking dreadful, leaving me with anxiety thinking about having to leave the house. (Peeling, melasma, blotchy, ruddiness, acne, more scars!) Will this anxiety never end?

I feel ugly. I look in the mirror and what looks back at me is ugly.

Anyway, enough complaining about such stupid matters. We're all imperfect I guess. I could look worse. My outer shell bothers me and I can't change that right now. But what truly matters - what really really truly matters - is not having an ugly heart. That's probably the hardest thing to change in a person. I am pondering on that right now.

gurrrrrr!

Can i just start by saying how annoyed and irritated i am at ... everything?

Why the hell does the autism community embrace Sheldon Cooper and TBBT so hard? It is the worst damn show ever made, and Sheldon is a manufactured autie meant to be laughed at no matter what people say! (I've only ever seen 2 episodes but I regretted that I wasted my life for those 2 episodes. So, there's that.)

What else?...

I have to cook dinner right now. I fricken hate cooking. I hate food. I hate the anxiety of going to all the trouble to cook only to have it come out like shit, or to have the kids just hate it because it's not pizza.

I have a huge tendency to watch and re-watch my favorite shows ALL.THE.TIME. I don't like change or moving on - or at least, Im very slow and gradual when it comes discovery. I went to look up MONK on Netflix and it's GONE! (And by the way, Adrian Monk > Sheldon Cooper.) Now I have to watch it, erm, via unholy ways, and the quality is terrible... which is annoying.

I miss MONK!!!! And PSYCH. And EUREKA. Everything I love always DIES!
=(
I think I'll stop there for now. I have to finish this "dinner" I'm supposed to be making.

edit:
No wait! I just remembered something else that was really pissing me off today...
WTF is up with the "nerd" community? Im so fucking sick of hearing everyone bang on about being "nerd" parents, or part of the "nerd"  & "geek" culture. STFU. It all revolves around pop fucking culture these days, and repeating shit scientists are saying in the media.

So who are the cool nerds you follow?

I've always considered myself a DORK. Im not cool at all. I sometimes call myself a geek, but that's more to allude to the strange perseverate tendencies I have. I do nerdy things, but I don't call myself a nerd because that actually sounds fucking pretentious. (Irony?)

I am a wallflower, feel very awkward around others, I like to study somewhat nerdy things, and collect shit, and perseverate on things, and "geek" out on things, and enjoy (what used to be) non mainstream type of stuff....  but I do not want to be lumped into that so-called nerd culture!

WHY?

Because it's truly all about fucking movies, using words that are bigger than you are just to prove you're "intelligent", and tv shows -- which, don't get me wrong, i fucking love me some star trek and LOTR lore, but even some of those folks are still seen as being the outliers. So in that way, the geek culture is full of shit, and only the "cool" dudes & dudettes truly get any attention. So FUCK YOU, "geek" culture.

I dont even know... (long)

Where do i begin in this?

I'm currently trying to decompress from a very stressful day. I don't think the stress started only today, but I believe it is buildup from weeks, or months, or non-stop crazy everyday life. Decompression is never complete.

My husband has been having very late days for the last few weeks because of an audit at his job. However, he's only been arriving slightly later than his normal workdays, but the stress is increased due to his work pressure.

He's a workaholic. I've always said so. He's very good at whatever job he's had, takes on a lot of responsibility, does his best to do work of the highest standard, takes pride in his work, and usually ends up cleaning up others' messes. These are all admirable qualities, but in his circumstance it still qualifies as being a workaholic. I hate it, have always told him so, and cannot deal with these patterns which take him away from us more than is necessary (imo). He would disagree and say something about ... paying rent... full bellies, blah blah blah... although he does know he's overworked.

(When he was first promoted people often asked him if his wife was happy about it because then that would mean a bigger paycheck. I never gave a crap about the money, but was happy because we thought it would mean less stress for him. It has, in fact, caused us more stress, and I don't see how it's going to get any better.)

I've been questioning whether or not his "workaholic" issues are also related to adhd (or some tendency thereof) because he often complains that he's always being derailed from his work. I could definitely see this being a possibility.

Of course, once this latest phase of stress and long hours is over, the crazy holidays will be upon us, in which his hours will once again be extended and full of corporate pressures.  Splendid.
=/ I despise the holiday season.

*****

Today the children and I spent a few hours at a birthday party hosted at a miniature golf park. My 10 and 7 YO kids on the spectrum, my 5-yr-old who throws tantrums like other 5-y-olds (so Im told)... what could possibly go wrong?  That is all I'll say on the subject at this moment since even just thinking about what happened is exhausting and stressful. Suffice to say that there is a reason why we don't frequent such establishments like Chuck E Cheese or even miniature golf parks. Had my husband been able to be there with us, things would have been more manageable for me. However he was not, and therefore it was not.

Also, being an introvert type (just super super shy), it's hard to have people come up to me and ask "What's wrong with so-and-so"? They are not trying to be rude at all, it's just hard for me to try and pay attention to my pissed off kid and other people who are curious. I often ramble and don't even know if they truly understand what I'm saying. So of course, I stress about what they think of me.

I also feel really put on the spot when Im having to deal with my kids' bad, hyper, wild behavior. I feel like I'm being judged as being an unloving mother, or just plain uptight. (Yet Ironically, I am so hella uptight!) The messed up thing in this also is that my kids WERE NOT THE ONLY AUTISTIC KIDS THERE, so most people would have been understanding.

I think the difficult thing is just dealing with angry kids, especially when you're trying to do fun things for them. As any normal parent, you try to make them happy, and when they get angry at YOU because things aren't how they want it, it fucking makes you feel like shit. Today, they made me feel like shit at some point. And Im going to say something else: My Eldest frequently makes me feel like shit. I suppose it might be because, as a 10 year old, he should be able to understand and remember that some of the things he says and does have this effect on me, regardless of his autism. Maybe I still expect too much of him?? However, it's a lesson Im not going to let my kids, autism or not, get away without knowing. The things you say and do AFFECT PEOPLE.

And that's all I've got to say about that.