#nyquil

I wonder what other people take when they're feeling out of control of their anxiety. I didn't have any tincture. I don't even know if I want to get any more since things were so inconsistent. It makes me frustrated because the lasting effects were nice...when it worked. But i felt like a fricken neurotic person last night. I wouldnt be surprised if I actually fit the description of neurotices (or however you spell it). I've gone through phases of using alcohol to sooth whatever anxiousness Ive felt in the past, but it doesn't always work the way I want and only serves to make me sleepy. Yes, its nice to feed giddy for an hour but after that you're pretty much back to square one. And Im not getting tanked around my kids. Anyway, hubby came home last night, I was bouncing off the walls starting to get really weird, and I decided I'd take some Nyquil to help knock me out for the night. (We were out of Zquil) I don't know if it was my own weird stimulatory issues or the Nyquil or what, but I woke up abruptly as I was starting to relax and be asleep with itchy sensations all over my body, mostly my legs. I had leggings on in bed so I quickly kicked them off and felt a bit better. This is actually something that happens from time to time but I've never been able to link it to anything, rather always assumed it was just my own nervous system going nuts on its own. Perhaps its linked to the stress, who knows.
So yeah, I think Im neurotic.I suppose that doesn't change anything.

Husband just came home. No matter how much i want him to, I know that he doesn't understand what I go through internally. I keep expecting him to help me, but i don't even know how to help me. I keep expecting him to be my knight in shining armor. Which is absurd because I hate that guys always feel they have to fix shit, even when they don't know what the hell they're doing.  Maybe he's giving up on me. Maybe he's just lost in his own issues. Maybe he's just out of ideas. Of course, he still won't get rid of the internet - I don't know if that's just my go-to argument for things or what. I feel like all the issues that ever were are just sitting on my chest. And because Im "not crazy" everybody thinks Im fine. I don't know how I've made it this far sometimes. I always feel like Im on the edge of something - like on the edge of being sane. I don't even know what that means. I might seriously move out of my house. And into the car. I think the only way he might take me seriously is if I start dumping all of my shit. I keep wallowing in it and all my issues, but I never make any moves toward doing what I feel is necessary for my survival. Actually, Im only just surviving. There is no thriving here at all. I can't even take care of my kids.

#Just_Average

We took a family vacation to the midwest, driving for 3 days. It was pretty cool.

Things I've learned about the journey are

• If you've seen one city, you've seen them all - they're full of people, noise, and insane drivers.
• Freeways suck and scar all the beautiful places - there are so many beautiful spots that have been injected with an overload of people and cars.  
• Most of Nevada to Nebraska is hella ugly - I guess high desert and such is not my thang.

Anyway, it was a nice family visit.

There were a few nights we opted to sleep in our mini-van... all 5 of us. It was a challenge and took a couple attempt to get it somewhat suitable. But with the husband and eldest being mega tall beings things were difficult. I do feel somewhat encouraged that I could easily take the kids on a journey to the coach and live out of the van for a couple days.

I've been thinking about routines. I know i desperately need one but it's been increasingly difficult as time goes on. Since coming home I've felt the life be sucked out of me. On the road, even though it was exhausting both mentally and physically, things seemed simpler. The constant access sunshine or the outside world helped. At one point, we had luscious rain that energized me. =)

At any rate, I've been doing some thinking about routines and skills. I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I truly do suck at everything. Ok, maybe not suck, but Im just so average as to be barely Good at anything. It's hard to realize these things about yourself, but perhaps it will help me move on in life. Move on where, I don't know. maybe just move on away from any pressure to want to accomplish anything "great" or "significant".

As far as routines, I was thinking of storing most of my clothes away again except for workout attire. I really need to get this extra weight off. In an effort to focus myself better, having only workout clothes around might help with that. There's also the other issue of spiritual care that I've been contemplating and so have been trying to work out a morning pattern of coffee, prayer, and incense burning. Did you know that frankincense has been found to have antidepressant properties?

Well anyway. Next stop: living at the beach in my minivan... for a couple days.