meds

Yep, I know I need meds. I've been on some. Had some success. Had some difficulty. I just don't stay on them because they eventually seem to stop working. Turns out - as my psychiatrist told me once - that when you go through your general practicioner they tend to not up the dosage, when that's usually what needs to occur. So instead you stay on the same, minimal dose, and things tend to get worse or back to the way they were. I'm usually seeking meds through a general practitioner

Anxiety: I think I need some Xanax type stuff. All this time I was so afraid I was going to end up bipolar like my dad... and I think it's just been crazy anxiety. I could laugh about this but it's really no consolation to make this realization, especially after already being diagnoses bipolar and going through that medication ordeal - Geodon...stuff is awful.

Our insurance is changing over in a couple of months and so I'm just going to wait it out until then. Besides, "dealing" with it is nothing new. I wonder what it will be like to feel mellow? Will I feel mellow? Will I feel anything? I just hope I don't feel like a zombie. I can't function feeling like a zombie.

Antidepressants: I just don't know how much will be taken care of by the anti-anxiety. It'd be nice to not have to cocktail it again. This whole figuring out 'which med is right for you' is such a load. Not that it's not necessary, but it sucks that it takes so long to figure these things out. I always know fairly quickly if a medicine is working correctly or not... I don't understand this whole 'wait x-weeks for your body to get used to it'. Maybe I'm just super sensitive. Or I'm that messed up that everything and anything will work for a time.

Well I guess I'm looking forward to getting on meds again, even if I really don't want to. Mostly, I just don't want to feel like I'm losing my mind.

happy thanksgiving

Ok, now Im just going to sound like a jerk, but big deal it's Thanksgiving. What are people thankful for? The one's that can celebrate with a huge ass feast - are they thankful for everything in their life? Are we only grateful and thankful when things are relatively good? What happens when all of that is gone - are people still thankful for the little things?

I feel guilty today. There are so many others out there who have nothing. Third world countries with entire populations suffering. I have no desire to "feast" and celebrate when others are in despair. We should be thankful and thinking of others everyday. But this is probably where a huge source of my depression comes from. (When the kids are older I would love to go away on humanitarian missions and such.) And I don't necessarily understand that because I really should be happy, grateful, and giving thanks that I'm not homeless or starving, you know? And that all my kids are healthy and the rest of it.

So for some reason the depression hit me hard today. I have no motivation or energy for anything. I don't feel happy. I don't necessarily feel sad. I just don't really feel anything. Actually, I guess I do feel kind of sad, though I can't pinpoint it. And I am finding myself getting angry in a general sense, but also while thinking about something that happened to us about a year ago with someone. I really would love to punch that jerk in the face...but I digress. I'm in a foul mood today. And I don't know why it should it hit me today and not, say, yesterday. Unless this whole thing just seems like it's hitting hard today when, in fact, it would have hit anyway. These kind of days are not unusual. It's just that usually Im acting out on my anger or anxiety. Today I just don't have the energy. Truth be told, I would rather have this kind of depression - where I'm just too weak to act out on my feeling, or react to stuff... because I'm usually so horrible a person in those states.

But I did wish my friends on Twitter and Facebook a happy and safe day, even if all I want to do is just want to crawl back into bed.

talking to myself

My life is a fucking wreck....

That's what's going through my mind right now. My kids are home for the stupid Thanksgiving holiday week. I don't want to be a mom right now. I don't want to be anything. I just want to hide and be hidden. I want to fucking stay away from everybody. My house is a mess. I hate living here. I hate everything.

I'm a loser.....

That's what my dad would tell all of us when we were younger. I didn't believe him - or at least I always told him to shut his fucking face - but I guess after years of hearing it the words never leave you. I always hear that fucking voice. In my head. Telling me that I'm a loser. Right now I think it's right.

I fail...

I fail at everything. I fail at motherhood. God I fail so fucking hard. I never thought I would be this kind of mum. I never wanted to be this kind of mum. My kids have their own difficulties and I just can't handle it. I try. I try so hard. But things sometimes get the better of me. I blame myself for their problems, thinking that my DNA must be fucking faulty, and that I made my kids have the problems they have. I couldn't wait to have kids. I wanted a family like crazy. And it turns out I couldnt even have babies correctly! How much more fucking shit do I need in my life to prove that I AM A FUCKING FAILURE?!

I don't want to be a failure.

blank slate

i hate that the most wonderful things could be happening around me and yet all I'll want to do is go to bed, crawl into a dark hole, and stay there. No energy to laugh, no energy to join in, no motivation to anything other than sit there staring blankly.

I'm jealous of other people; People without my problems, people who are happy, people who are creating, enjoying, celebrating, involved, on the move - living.