happy thanksgiving

Ok, now Im just going to sound like a jerk, but big deal it's Thanksgiving. What are people thankful for? The one's that can celebrate with a huge ass feast - are they thankful for everything in their life? Are we only grateful and thankful when things are relatively good? What happens when all of that is gone - are people still thankful for the little things?

I feel guilty today. There are so many others out there who have nothing. Third world countries with entire populations suffering. I have no desire to "feast" and celebrate when others are in despair. We should be thankful and thinking of others everyday. But this is probably where a huge source of my depression comes from. (When the kids are older I would love to go away on humanitarian missions and such.) And I don't necessarily understand that because I really should be happy, grateful, and giving thanks that I'm not homeless or starving, you know? And that all my kids are healthy and the rest of it.

So for some reason the depression hit me hard today. I have no motivation or energy for anything. I don't feel happy. I don't necessarily feel sad. I just don't really feel anything. Actually, I guess I do feel kind of sad, though I can't pinpoint it. And I am finding myself getting angry in a general sense, but also while thinking about something that happened to us about a year ago with someone. I really would love to punch that jerk in the face...but I digress. I'm in a foul mood today. And I don't know why it should it hit me today and not, say, yesterday. Unless this whole thing just seems like it's hitting hard today when, in fact, it would have hit anyway. These kind of days are not unusual. It's just that usually Im acting out on my anger or anxiety. Today I just don't have the energy. Truth be told, I would rather have this kind of depression - where I'm just too weak to act out on my feeling, or react to stuff... because I'm usually so horrible a person in those states.

But I did wish my friends on Twitter and Facebook a happy and safe day, even if all I want to do is just want to crawl back into bed.