So it is my dream of dreams to live self sufficiently, minimally, in a tiny house or something similar like a tiny cob house, amongst nature, in peace and quiet. I think my nerves really need and require the whole "peace and quiet" thing. And lately, things have not been so peace and quiet here. I've been having a lot of bad feeling about keeping the kids home (homeschool) and want to just send them back. But in all honesty, that would not be the best for them. It might be the best for me, but somehow that seems selfish. As a mom, I guess I just suffer over this and ... pffft, I don't know. I can't think very clearly about it right now anyway. And sometimes I just find that I go through very difficult times where I can't expose myself to those dreams or videos because of the anxiety of not being able to attain them is overwhelming.
I don't think the dreams are "dead" as in Never-Going-To-Happen, but it's a similar experience to when I read too much of the news and become overwhelmed by all the horrible shit in the world. I can't do anything about it right now. God, even that sounds like a shitty thing to say. I can't do anything about it. I think that's what sends me over the edge - it's that feeling of hopelessness or powerlessness.
A couple of weeks ago I freaked out and piled the kids into the car for what was suppose to be just an afternoon drive. They were fighting, arguing, and I was just sick of it and on the precipice of turning into a raging bitch. I think I had already been screaming at everyone to STFU. So we piled into the car and I just drove. I didn't know where I was going. All I knew was that I didn't want to go back home. So I kept driving north. Passed all the familiar stops we like. Kept passing, kept passing. I said, "Eff it, lets go into the next state." So we did. I ended up doing a loop around to the coast and we came home like 2 days later or something.
Here's some pics of what we saw as we traveled through the forest and into the ocean, and back into the forest, and then eventually home. I miss having the forest and ocean together. It is so "NorCal", & southern oregon coast. I also think I would do well in the tropics - very warm/hot, near the ocean, but with frequent warm rains. I've been tinkering with the idea of traveling to Florida, but Im not sure how that would happen with the kids. Also, for fun, I did start doing a little redecorating in the cockpit of my car. My car is a minivan, so I should I at least start trying to have some fun in it. And well, eh, its not all bad. We call it the Baby Bus, and it's taken care of us pretty well over the years.
