❀im finally doing it. Deleting Facebook... for real this time.

Turns out, I was right - it does nothing for keeping people in touch. (That, and I also don't trust FB.)

I especially loved the FB posts that were cryptic or even outright revealing, but the moment you asked a question about it ( 'cuz you're trying to Connect and shit, right?) the posts were either removed or you were just ignored, while others' comments were responded to. *If I just don't acknowledge her then maybe she'll just forget about her question. ^.^* And don't think PMs were any better.. they weren't

It's really ok, though. I'm glad. Unfortunately since I used FB like a blog reader I'm having to find 300 pages to add in a list on Twitter, lol. A bit tedious but OK. Sadly, some blogs/zines aren't even on Twitter. >.< I learned a long time ago not to use Twitter for friend connecting either. Both FB and Twitter have made me feel like a big loser, a failure, unimportant, and overloaded.

These analysis on the FB effect are so old and boring, I don't even want to get into it. Suffice to say, I'm only slightly upset I won't be conveniently connected whenever I want to be with, well, two people, maybe.

Another thing I'll miss are the groups. I belong to ONE group that involves an important topic to me. It's a topic that I don't have very many people to talk about with IRL so I'm a bit reluctant to leave. That said, I haven't been visiting the forum very often anyway so perhaps I can find another forum for this type of discussion. I just haven't looked yet.

I miss how simple the internet used to be. I remember when certain sites were new and everybody had a Blogger to post their vacation pictures, craft projects, and personal stories. Email was still useful for communicating instead of Logging into a site. Forums and group boards were the only thing out there similar to a FB. AOL messaging was so handy to keep in touch with internet savy friends.

What. The hell. Happened.
Monetization. =/ And speaking of monetization, I'm waiting to see what happens to Tumblr.

❀Minimalism and depression and why I'm attracted to it.

❦
My anxiety is often set off by "stuff". We have a lot of stuff. Not unlike many other households but I'm overwhelmed by it. Kids' toys all over - and I mean all over strewn across multiple bedrooms and the garage. Most are Legos, too, so , you know, good luck not getting stabbed in the foot in the middle of the night as you make your parental rounds to check said small humans. Ouch.

Then there's the clothes. The laundry pile has its own gravitational pull because I absolutely hate it more than anything. There are several reasons why I hate it but i won't go into that right now. Suffice to say it's a monster.  The closets are bursting at the seams and there are bins out in the garage that hold even MORE clothing, you know, just in case I actually lose this ugly body fat and am able to fit in my pre-baby clothing. Im not unusual in this, just pathetic.

Then we have all the electronics (and cables and plugs and batteries and blahblahblah), too many dishes and appliances, random things that go with other random things that I don't even know what they are, drawers that we call "junk drawers" were you're likely to find bits of duct tape, loose change, picture brackets, batteries, the odd screwdriver or birthday candles and etc... you know the feeling?

I've tried many methods to try and simplify, organize, and make life easier. But each method fails and I'm left with the remnants of organizational capsules and buckets. Enter: Minimalism. I day dream about true minimalism. I imagine living in a Tinyhouse or vintage airstream, having a couple changes of clothes, eating simple one-pot meals everyday (oh that my kids would actually eat the good things i put in front of their faces. /sigh), and traveling around on a permanent camping holiday. The freedom of such a thing, yes?

The trouble is I don't actually know if this would help with my anxiety over being swallowed up by our crap. And I actually like the idea of life as a Hobbit, who have a love of good food, comfortable spaces, and creature comforts that make living life in your own backyard enjoyable and more attractive and more complete than anything else out there... well unless your name is Bilbo in which case you're an anomaly. (Yes, that was my nerd face.)

I've discovered that my reaction to our mess/clutter results in the strong impulse to set everything on fire, all in an effort to control the situation in the quickest and most obvious way possible.  But lets consider the patterns that many of us depressed people have: Something can trigger an episode of depression or anxiety, I may then fixate on something unrelated to my trigger, and then either react by getting pissed off at everybody or everything (hence the Kill It With Fire attitude),  or go all immobilized and then more depressed that I'm sitting and stewing and not doing anything to change the situation because if I did I'd go all panic attack. Whew!  What a stoopid cycle. Oh yeah, and the cycle will probably repeat a few times before i get a handle on it.

Fun.

One of my goals for this year was to embark on a journey toward minimalism. I honestly don't know how far I'll get in that journey but there have been some small beneficial changes so far.  Definitely having some greenmedicine to ease any of my anxiety helps, allowing me to think less reactionary and emotional to our situation, and more practical according to the needs of the family. Example: 2 crockpots for a family of 5 versus just the 1. We'll see, though.

Oh and before I forget:
Keep calm and *kitty hugs*

I'll hug you but you have to get past these whiskers first. ❦

my experience so far with self medicating

I've almost finished my first batch of special cookies and brownies and I've decided that, while tasty, I do not like this method of medicating. It was impossible to get just the right amount of medicine.

And because I'm still adjusting to it, it can really hit hard and put me to sleep. So I try to only ingest a little bit during the day if I need it, and then a little more at night to help me sleep.

However, it is so hard for me to wake up in the morning - feels like when I would take Nyquil to get to sleep and it makes you feel hung over  the next day. I Hate that.

Anyway, there are lingering relaxing effects the next day with the cannabis and I notice it does help with the anxiety. A Lot! The downside is i might be sleepy and require coffee, something i decided needed to be given up due to the anxiety and other factors.

My poor baby looks depressed. She needs huggles.

The depression is another issue.

I'm currently researching both strains of cannabis and trying to figure if it's worth getting a supply of both and how I would best use them. (One strain is best for anxiety, the other for depression, and each strain has different effects - from what I've read so far.)

I don't even know where our dispensaries are here but when I find one I'll be picking up tinctures to try next.

I've also discovered that we have some fun looking cross-fit gyms in my area. I was initially turned off to cross-fit after watching some disturbing video of highly unsafe exercises, as well as much of the exercises are things you can technically do at home. Why bother going to a c-f gym for that?

Well I'm not a self motivator, I've known this for many years. I need to be held accountable. I need to be pushed by an outside force. I need to be in a somewhat competitive environment.

So I'll be researching my local cross-fits. My brain and fat, weak body would benefit greatly from the medicine of high intensity exercise.

Bahahaha, this makes me laugh so hard!

good days and bad days

I haven't written in a long time. I'd like to say that a lot has happened and things are better but in many ways I think they're worse. Some of it is better, if Im honest. ... I don't even know what I mean...

Things became so stressful for me that I wasn't leaving the house unless I absolutely had to.. as in to pick up the kids. Most of the time I was so full of anxiety that I'd just go to bed or sit immobilized. Shit was frustrating and still is.

I just realized I don't even remember what the heck I was writing about on this blog... I should review my own posts. =o.O=

Itteh bitteh kitteh says I Love You This Much

One of the latest things I've been doing to help with the anxiety (which pretty much became as bad a problem as the depression) has been medicinal cannabis. I'll write a bit more about that later as I'm still fairly new to using it and finding how to get the best results from it. Right now I'll say that it makes me feel similar to when I was on Geodon but a bit more functional. It still knocks me over and That, I don't like. But it does help. Again, I'll write more about it over the next several months.

Pffft, typical

Last evening around 7:30 ish I looked outside and marveled at how pretty it was. Golden soft sunshine and a cool temperature. Yet I still couldn't be bothered to make my way into The Nature. I'm not entirely sure why this was (isn't that the heart of chronic depression, that there's rarely a definable Why)... I wanted to go outside I just... didn't have the energy or desire.

Oh, I know I just contradicted myself - I wanted to go outside but I didn't want to. Well I don't get it either.

This made me more depressed.

I feel a bit better this morning and plan to go outside with my morning coffee and toast, promptly. Hopefully this will help with my moods as I find being inside perpetuates a depressed state. I also plan on doing a bit of exercise later on if I can find a moment's peace.

I realize this is basic stuff but depressed people sometimes need to be reminded.
❦