I haven't been keeping up with my little diary here. It's certainly not that I haven't been feeling the struggles of life, or anything. I think sometimes writing about what's going on when things are fresh just fuels the fire, so to speak. But i really don't know.
Let's see... as of right now I feel thoroughly emotionally drained. We've all hit that point of emotional exhaustion where we just don't care about anything, when we're not happy or sad, we're just... nothing. Well I'm not that far. But I feel close. And that kind of scares me.
I am: Plugging away at life, waiting for something to happen. But what?
I want desperately to change things but I can't do it by myself. I don't know how. I literally need someone to take me by the hand and lead me. I've never been a self-motivator. Challenges and stuff like that only served to depress me, never to motivate me. I wish they did. I don't know what would happen if I was ever forced to be the head of the family. The thought scares me to no end. I'd like to say that I'd make everything happen, that rent would get paid SOMEHOW, or that things would get taken care of SOMEHOW. But I lay in bed thinking about it sometimes and I worry that I couldn't do it. I'd break. Really hard.
I asked myself right now What's The Biggest Thing You'd Like To Change? I think my answer would be how I feel about myself. I don't even know where to begin to tackle that one. But I just hate myself right now. I hate the way I look, feel, behave, respond to stresses... I just hate that I'm not a normal fricken person. I know, what's normal, right? But I think you know what I mean. It just seems that if I saw myself differently (as not a failure to myself or others) then I could handle everything else a little bit better. With attitude maybe!
Who knows.
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