❀why do i feel like a fraud

I've been trying to go walking every day for at least 30 minutes. Not even a brisk walk, just out and about, in the open air, enjoying the weather, etc. The last couple of times I did it I felt much improved for the remainder of the day. I still had some anxiety but was a bit more motivated and energetic. I was even a bit manic which scared me a bit because I'm always aware that the "down" is coming. Indeed, right now a feel a bit exhausted from all that ,,, manic energy, I guess. But my goal is to just keep doing This! Hopefully everything else that I need to do to feel better will fall into place as a result of just feeling even slightly better.

My hubby was promoted at work and is currently working on his day off. Oh the joys of being put in charge. =/ I don't even care about the promotion. It's funny when people ask, "Hey, what does your wife think? Is she happy you're getting more money?" Umm, she doesn't care. I just want to spend fucking normal time with my husband, not be so worn out by the end of the day that sex is even too exhausting to even think about, and stress for him would be WAY diminished. Pffff!

My husband was also told by someone that they thought I was beautiful. They liked my dreads, I guess how "free and fun" I seemed. Indeed, that is me deep down but most days I feel like too much of a loser to even feel I emanate that, as well I go around hating myself most of the time. In fact,  those were the first things I thought when my husband repeated what was said about me, and I felt like such a fraud.  I guess it was just amazing that anyone would think anything like that about me. It made me feel good though, if a little guilty.

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❀I can identify with Cat

• im so distracted. unfocused. unmotivated. and having anxiety because of it.
• I hate this cycle.
• I honestly dont know what im supposed to be doing with my life. i feel if i had a job at least i'd have some kind of schedule. but then the kids ... that could get complicated.
• i almost feel that i have to totally strip every bit of self identify and desires away, just to focus on becoming a more happy sahm.
• a maid. thats how it feels sometimes. im a  fucking maid. and no one gives enough shits to --- nevermind. it is what it is.
• our unschooling isn't going that great either. it has potential. but my kid is going to suffer for my being lost. i don't want him to suffer and surprisingly he already seems more relaxed since being out of traditional school. a definite change in his personality.
• the anxiety over leaving my house is starting to come back into play. i still havent changed out my meds so the anxiety is getting stronger and stronger. soon i'll have another 3 week stint of not ever leaving the house. this is bullshit.
• sometimes i wish we lived (or rather, I lived) in an empty box of a house, with only a bed, dresser, and a few "hobby" supplies (a book, crochet, music). no clothes - or just a few changes of them, no people to bother me, no twitter, no facebook, no competing with online personalities.
• i want just silence, sunlight, and the ability to indulge in some creativity. I don't have any creative outlet that really allows me to be ME, or that frees me from everything i hate about this life, an escape that most people crave when they log into mmo's.