# it's so flippin' hot today

Therapy discussion:
Well I guess my session today was fairly helpful. It's still mostly random talking although I do try to ask questions I have about my situation. I've lately been wondering about OCD and why some peoples' anxieties turn into action rather than as in my case of freezing. She said that in terms of "freezing" it's just another form of running away/flight. I tried to think about how much I fought or flew during my childhood, and on reflection I think I did both, which is why I avoid confrontation now because I've been known to respond in very over-the-top fashion. Fights with the husband tend to escalate quickly, too. Hands up, it's all on me although to my defense he doesn't know when to stop and leave me be. So that's unfortunate. =(

Mostly everything in life revolves and is dominated by fear and anxiety. It sucks and it's part of my personal plan to learn more about anxiety in a clinical way. For some reason I think this helps me. It's also just part of my "obsessive" tendencies toward rules and process. Yet somehow, my obsessions cause me anxiety when I can't acheive them, at which point I freeze. Like, shit, I wish I could turn that into action. It's totally like if I can't do what I'm trying to do exactly the way I'm trying to do, then I freak out and freeze. This is what I don't understand and need to figure out a way to conquer, or turn into something productive. Ughhhhhhh.

We also addressed some guilt that I have that emerges as anxiety at the end of the night. I was telling her that my insomnia seems much worse right now that it's summer time. In truth, I don't think summer has much to do with it because my insomnia is nothing new. It his, however, worse in general with me staying up until 5 in the morning.

eating habits:
unchanged

exercise:
sporadic and not frequent

projects:
I'm working on deep cleaning my house. It is going slow and is utterly frustrating. I started making a list to help me stay on track but then my lists get ultra excessive and I start to obsess over the best organization of it.

cat:
This is our Belle. Hubby rescued her from a tree across the street and she followed him home. She's been a sweetie baby.

# template to keep myself on track

I thought it might be a good idea to keep a template of things I need to address when writing my journal so I can basically keep myself accountable... to myself. lol. It should also HOPEFULLY keep me focused, succinct, and ... something else. I dunno, I can't concentrate these days, remember.

therapy discussions:  Here i will write about what transpired in my therapy. If I quit going to my therapist I will most likely continue to learn about ptsd/depression/anxiety/obsessive issues probably in conjunction with faith based philosophies. Here is where I'll write some of those things out.


eating habits: Just a general record of foods i eat. I'm trying to juice more, eat healthier on a more regular basis, and document how well I'm accomplishing this, as well as how I feel physically.


exercise: Have I been keeping up with my plan? Do I have a plan? How am I feeling, etc, etc, blahblahblah.


vitamins: Crap, I forgot to take my vitamins.


projects: Have I done anything interesting for myself? For others? Family excursions taken? Anything fun or interesting or educational? (One day I will write I'VE BEEN BUILDING MY COB HOUSE!! And then I'll know for sure that life has gotten better.) Basically I want to be less idyl and in the habit of thinking that there's always something to do, even if it's boring but useful.


cat: I've been getting more depressed and therefore lazy about posting funny kitty gifs and pics. So at least one will go in this section.

# just over a month of therapy and I just feel like I'm stumbling through everything.

...And I still don't know what the point of it is.

Yesterday (monday) was kind of a hard day for me. The kind of day where Im just super fragile and crying for no reason, except that everything becomes a kind of reason. When I get to my therapy and try to hone in on this, somehow the conversation took a turn, and she wanted to focus on things I ALREADY KNEW AND DON'T NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO "MAKE BETTER".  FFS, the more I really think about it, the more frustrated I get. It's like no one is f8ing  listening to me, and no one really understands my mind or what I'm going through. Please dont' tell me to just light a candle and release my anxiety into the atmosphere. I'm not trying to be mean (although Im incredibly annoyed), but I need HELP to FIX.MY.BRAIN.

Does my ranting just make me sound super self centered?

I did learn one thing that, if I'm honest, I already knew, which was my body is just shutting off because it's exhausted. I can't think clearly, can't focus on reading a book, can't concentrate, can't get enough energy, can't get out of bed somedays, can't bother to care about life some days, because my psyche is trying to tell me to turn off/take a break/recharge. The only issue is that this is a period of time which is all likeliness is way too significant to actually accomplish. So what to do...?

Well I went browsing around the internets and I found a website by an orthodox priestmonk who originally came from a background of hard science (chemistry). Somewhere along the way of his education he decided to follow his other passion of theological studies. He currently writes about - and this is the best way i can describe it since I haven't read too much of his stuff - a merging of cognitive therapy and Orthodoxy. Or maybe its looking at cognitive therapy from the frame of Orthodoxy... I'm not totally sure yet, but he has some books that I'll probably look into. For now I'm just going through his blog, hoping to find little helpful tidbits on the topics. But this seems to be exactly what I was looking for in terms of therapeutic approaches within the real of my faith.

In case anyone is interested:
http://ancientchristianwisdom.com/

So on the topic of my faith (Orthodoxy) I find there are a great many tools that are exceedingly helpful. However, when your brain chemistry is off and making your life a crazy rollercoaster, how can you even focus on anything else? And this is my issue. I can blame my kids for being loud (but seriously, they're freakin loud) which in turn creates an anxietic reaction within my body, but what about the root of the problem being addressed to alleviate those tendencies linked to certain stimuli?

I've been having more serious thoughts lately, too. What if it can't be fixed? Ever since this therapist suggested the PTSD thing, my thinking has kind of turned up on itself. I used to just think it was the depression which caused EVERYTHING. Seeing now that it's the anxiety which has caused mostly everything, I'm starting to wonder just how far one ccan be healed. This isn't just an issue talking about my sad and pathetic past, this is  a matter of literally fixing brain chemistry. Some people can't be fixed. I think I'm afraid of being Some People. At the same time I wouldn't mind removing myself from society, living up in the mountains, in a little cob house, just me and the cats. lol. That would be great, too. But what if i actually NEED that in order to function like a somewhat normal person. No, I may not be having the flashback of childhood things, but I do have flashback-like experiences of other stressful events. Some of them aren't even real. I'm pretty sure that some kind of obsessive disorder issue, but I'm no expert.

# Konmari Method of Tidying.

Question: I've been folding my clothes konmari way for ages because I just absolutely hate hangers and the accumulation of them. So when my kids were very young I taught myself to fold compactly, and because i like the look of tightly folding clothes all the same size. BUT - i've absolutely come to hate putting husband's clothes away because he will DESTROY all my work just looking for one shirt, for example. What do others do in this situation? He's doesnt do it on purpose, I just think he doesn't see mess. He cannot fold either. I honestly think there is something in his dna that creates this deficiency, lol. Some people do. Ive given up and don't bother with his stuff anymore. Yet it piles because he's not "tidy". And we dont have closet space to go back to hanging. =/ Advice? My kids used to be bad about this too, but they've gotten better about it. Im a hair away from becoming the sole guardian of everyone's clothes. Or rolling everything suitcase-style and tying with some kind of band. =p

So dang,

Konmari method.

Ive been doing her method of folding for YEARS. lol. If only I'd have known I could have made a living out of such things...sigh.

I like to fold things in uniform size and shape, then stack or pile them. 

Ok so you can't see absolutely everything in my laundry basket,  but you get the idea - I love to fold in tight, uniform rectangles which allow for very easy stacking or piling of clothing that can be easily seen. I started doing this before I was even married (12 years + ago) when I learned of an organized way to pack suitcases. That method involved putting an outfit together, laying flat, and rolling them together for easy storage. It (supposedly) eliminated wrinkles, solved pairing decisions, & increased storage space. After that, I just started rolling all my clothes individually for my dresser drawers. After that, I entered later university years and used a bookshelf to store clothing. Store bought bookcases are not very deep, and so I had to learn a way of folding that would allow the clothes to fit. This lead to folding neat little packages of clothing that when stacked vertical, or "shelved" like books, looked very pleasing.

Despite all of this, my house is not as organized as it could be. It's a lot harder when you live with other people, and it tends to overflow in certain areas with clutter. However, there is some method to the madness around here, just not enough that everything has a space, which is a problem. No amount of tidy folding can compensate for too much stuff. Everything needs it's own place. Perhaps I should take more pics and post them for you. I know people like pictures. =)  Actually, I don't even think anyone reads this blog. Perhaps that is a good thing. 

BTW, we got a new kitty. She's super cute and followed my husband home after he rescued her from a tree. We're going to be the crazy cat house of the neighborhood soon.