gurrrrrr!

Can i just start by saying how annoyed and irritated i am at ... everything?

Why the hell does the autism community embrace Sheldon Cooper and TBBT so hard? It is the worst damn show ever made, and Sheldon is a manufactured autie meant to be laughed at no matter what people say! (I've only ever seen 2 episodes but I regretted that I wasted my life for those 2 episodes. So, there's that.)

What else?...

I have to cook dinner right now. I fricken hate cooking. I hate food. I hate the anxiety of going to all the trouble to cook only to have it come out like shit, or to have the kids just hate it because it's not pizza.

I have a huge tendency to watch and re-watch my favorite shows ALL.THE.TIME. I don't like change or moving on - or at least, Im very slow and gradual when it comes discovery. I went to look up MONK on Netflix and it's GONE! (And by the way, Adrian Monk > Sheldon Cooper.) Now I have to watch it, erm, via unholy ways, and the quality is terrible... which is annoying.

I miss MONK!!!! And PSYCH. And EUREKA. Everything I love always DIES!
=(
I think I'll stop there for now. I have to finish this "dinner" I'm supposed to be making.

edit:
No wait! I just remembered something else that was really pissing me off today...
WTF is up with the "nerd" community? Im so fucking sick of hearing everyone bang on about being "nerd" parents, or part of the "nerd"  & "geek" culture. STFU. It all revolves around pop fucking culture these days, and repeating shit scientists are saying in the media.

So who are the cool nerds you follow?

I've always considered myself a DORK. Im not cool at all. I sometimes call myself a geek, but that's more to allude to the strange perseverate tendencies I have. I do nerdy things, but I don't call myself a nerd because that actually sounds fucking pretentious. (Irony?)

I am a wallflower, feel very awkward around others, I like to study somewhat nerdy things, and collect shit, and perseverate on things, and "geek" out on things, and enjoy (what used to be) non mainstream type of stuff....  but I do not want to be lumped into that so-called nerd culture!

WHY?

Because it's truly all about fucking movies, using words that are bigger than you are just to prove you're "intelligent", and tv shows -- which, don't get me wrong, i fucking love me some star trek and LOTR lore, but even some of those folks are still seen as being the outliers. So in that way, the geek culture is full of shit, and only the "cool" dudes & dudettes truly get any attention. So FUCK YOU, "geek" culture.

I dont even know... (long)

Where do i begin in this?

I'm currently trying to decompress from a very stressful day. I don't think the stress started only today, but I believe it is buildup from weeks, or months, or non-stop crazy everyday life. Decompression is never complete.

My husband has been having very late days for the last few weeks because of an audit at his job. However, he's only been arriving slightly later than his normal workdays, but the stress is increased due to his work pressure.

He's a workaholic. I've always said so. He's very good at whatever job he's had, takes on a lot of responsibility, does his best to do work of the highest standard, takes pride in his work, and usually ends up cleaning up others' messes. These are all admirable qualities, but in his circumstance it still qualifies as being a workaholic. I hate it, have always told him so, and cannot deal with these patterns which take him away from us more than is necessary (imo). He would disagree and say something about ... paying rent... full bellies, blah blah blah... although he does know he's overworked.

(When he was first promoted people often asked him if his wife was happy about it because then that would mean a bigger paycheck. I never gave a crap about the money, but was happy because we thought it would mean less stress for him. It has, in fact, caused us more stress, and I don't see how it's going to get any better.)

I've been questioning whether or not his "workaholic" issues are also related to adhd (or some tendency thereof) because he often complains that he's always being derailed from his work. I could definitely see this being a possibility.

Of course, once this latest phase of stress and long hours is over, the crazy holidays will be upon us, in which his hours will once again be extended and full of corporate pressures.  Splendid.
=/ I despise the holiday season.

*****

Today the children and I spent a few hours at a birthday party hosted at a miniature golf park. My 10 and 7 YO kids on the spectrum, my 5-yr-old who throws tantrums like other 5-y-olds (so Im told)... what could possibly go wrong?  That is all I'll say on the subject at this moment since even just thinking about what happened is exhausting and stressful. Suffice to say that there is a reason why we don't frequent such establishments like Chuck E Cheese or even miniature golf parks. Had my husband been able to be there with us, things would have been more manageable for me. However he was not, and therefore it was not.

Also, being an introvert type (just super super shy), it's hard to have people come up to me and ask "What's wrong with so-and-so"? They are not trying to be rude at all, it's just hard for me to try and pay attention to my pissed off kid and other people who are curious. I often ramble and don't even know if they truly understand what I'm saying. So of course, I stress about what they think of me.

I also feel really put on the spot when Im having to deal with my kids' bad, hyper, wild behavior. I feel like I'm being judged as being an unloving mother, or just plain uptight. (Yet Ironically, I am so hella uptight!) The messed up thing in this also is that my kids WERE NOT THE ONLY AUTISTIC KIDS THERE, so most people would have been understanding.

I think the difficult thing is just dealing with angry kids, especially when you're trying to do fun things for them. As any normal parent, you try to make them happy, and when they get angry at YOU because things aren't how they want it, it fucking makes you feel like shit. Today, they made me feel like shit at some point. And Im going to say something else: My Eldest frequently makes me feel like shit. I suppose it might be because, as a 10 year old, he should be able to understand and remember that some of the things he says and does have this effect on me, regardless of his autism. Maybe I still expect too much of him?? However, it's a lesson Im not going to let my kids, autism or not, get away without knowing. The things you say and do AFFECT PEOPLE.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

tired of being tired

I'm pretty fatso these days. My hubby won't even let me say that I'm fat anymore, and instead makes me say "Fluffy"! Just like the picture! D'awww.

Whatever. Im fat and feel gross. It's hard to see where my depression ends and my physically unhealthy existence begins.

Everything I do is exhausting. Some days are worse than others. Breathing is even exhausting. Let alone trying to move my body around for exercise.

There was one day, a couple of weeks ago, my hubby and I went walking, and then ran strides afterward. It felt wonderfully hard. As I sit here writing and feeling like it's such a huge effort to just sit upright in my chair, I can't imagine how I had the energy to do that workout.

I know depression literally sucks the life out of you. So does being a fatty. All I want to do is sleep, and my body feels so damn heavy when I move. Im pretty irritable, and negative, and angry right now.

I'm always fantasizing about going all veg/fruit/nuts "diet". Yes, to lose weight, but also because I feel that most of the food I put in my body is slowly killing it. Perhaps that's an unhealthy and unrealistic obsession I have, although I still eat crap even though I don't want to. Perhaps it is because I feel so addicted to the shit we normally eat that my brain is pushing for the extreme end of the spectrum: uber natural.

Im just so tired and being tired, and feeling shitty, and this damn depression.

I found my future house:

http://cat-arzyna.blogspot.com/2014/05/cottage-on-wheels.html

Such lovely pics of a little caravan. Why does this type of living appeal to me so? I think I believe it represents a simpleness to life.

When Im overwhelmed with the world,
with the screams and thuds,
with the laundry (that seems to go on and on forever),
with all the technology that's constantly buzzing,
with the stagnant heat,
with a longing to escape to see the ocean one day and the woods the next,
with a desire for privacy,
...(I can go on and on here)...
this is what my mind dreams of.

I am seriously contemplating having my husband buy me one (a caravan) & just keep it in the backyard, sort of as my get-away without actually getting away. I can't decide if I like the Tumbleweed styles houses (which are adorbs), or the caravans.

I often find that Im way more attracted to the caravans, I think because there's no fancy layout which might require a level of cleverness in storage which might allow you to keep more things than you need... sort of the Ikea phenomenon (which I like to call it) where you're able to store a ton of crap in a very small space. Have you ever seen those catalog photos?? I get claustrophobic just looking at the high walls full of books and boxes and storage in every nook and cranny. So... yeah, my mind is a bit up in the air about which one I like better. These photos might sway me.

emotional exhaustion?

I had a lovely time hanging out with some people from church. I've met some great people and for the first time in probably 13 or more years I've made, what I would consider, friends. I don't socialize much so this is rather WHY im having such a hard time right now.

Toward the end of the afternoon, our deacon started chatting with me about my boys, family, education, and some things related to some of our issues. He totally made me cry. I don't even know how or why I started crying. He did hit upon some issues that I think really affect me, and some that I would have thought were not affecting me much at all. And when he looks at me it's almost as though he was looking at ME, deep down where even I can't see. It was such an incredibly lovely and uncomfortable thing. And he always says such nice things, I can't help but feel as though Im just unworthy of such attention.

I am still crying. Tears are just calmly leaking from my eyes, and have been since we got home a little over half an hour ago. During a quick shower I gave to one of the boys (my autie) I just scooped him up in his towel and started bawling in a gentle way that wouldn't upset him. He calmly told me, "Stop your tears now," which for him was his way of saying - Don't be sad, mom. I just hugged on him and told him how much i loved him.

I think I've often experienced this in the past - feeling complete sadness of some kind after spending time with friends. I always thought it was just the transition to aloneness that was making feel sad, as though I was just unable to adjust to the fact that everyone was gone. That may be true, but I think it's just emotional exhaustion from giving (attention, energy, part of my self) to a social situation.

I think perhaps that this teary reaction would be different if I wasn't required to interact as much, but could just be a comfortable wallflower - I can't really say. I suspect that's true, though.

#agoraphobia This was me pretty much all week. My kids have missed a lot of school already because of this.

A pretty good day so far

This just made my day:

It's a cake. And it's disgusting, lool. Found it in someone's facebook page.

It's been so darn hot and miserable. The heat always makes me feel like Im crawling out of my skin. My tolerance for bodily discomfort is very low, and it's what made me flip out and cut all my hair off. ...I miss my dreadlocks =(  ...
S.A.D. definitely affects me during both of the more extreme seasons. But Im so ready for it to change now.

FML

I have no right to bitch and moan. I know this. I still need to let loose this frustration...

FML

Debating whether or not to have a beer. Kids JUST got home and right away they are fighting and causing tension between each other. One teases (sometimes on accident sometimes on purpose), another fucking screams like a banshee in anger, and the eldest one always seems to encourage bad behavior from one of the other ones because he has no fucking common sense.

FML

I bought noise canceling headphones. Apparently they're designed for when you're shooting guns. I haven't tried them yet as I've separated the kids for now and they are no longer interacting with each other. Hopefully that does the trick for a while.

this cat~