Post panic Tuesday

This morning I made a quick store run to get a couple supplies. I’ve been waking up feeling ‘on the edge’ a lot lately, like I’m fighting off sinking into a hole of panic, or dread, or something. I try to push through it because what else is there to do. My kitchen is a huge trigger for me right now too, and i often have to leave it and go sit by myself to regroup, before I tackle the chores I need to do. The panic rising becomes such that I often feel that my soul is about to leave my body, or maybe it’s my mind (dissociation), and I have to fight it which usually means I have to get out of the kitchen. It’s not just the kitchen that this has only ever happened to me, it’s just that my stress is unusually high in relation to it and life in general right now. No, it is not the wuflu that is making me stressed, I’m just psychologically exhausted.

I came home from the shop to find my neighbor, who owns the three houses that surround mine and have their family living there, cutting my oleander in my driveway. She’s done it before with our permission after the fact in order so that her relative next door can have a safe view of the street. But I was not expecting her to be at it today, and without asking permission. At least have the courtesy to let us know you will be doing it, because I have nothing against making it safer for the neighbor to see the street when they pull out of their driveway.

The feelings overwhelmed me. Feeling like I was being violated, my literal safe space (my home!) was being violated, disrespected, and the my safe space wasn’t safe! Then, my other neighbor comes out of their house and looks towards me which is the direction my neighbor cutting my oleander is. By the way, I’m still in my car from driving up into my driveway, but I’m one the phone with my husband, and at this point he’s trying to calm me down. But after seeing my second neighbor come out of his house and gawk towards where the action was I’d lost it. Full on feels of being surrounded and trapped hit me. Yes, I’ve felt these emotions before concerning being surrounded by their clan.

After my eldest came out to retrieve the groceries I left (ran away), sobbing while still on the phone with Hubby, feeling awful with no power to change things, and no cajones to set boundaries.  After wandering around a little bit I decided to get a coffee and a pastry, and to go sit at the park to just give myself some time to calm down. I suppose it helped. A little Afterwards Hubby came by and we drove home together. But I was well zonked the rest of the day, and feeling pretty empty.

Quarantine and wuflu

I figured I needed to start writing again to delve deep into my motivations and thinking patterns. I would rather not have to do this as it takes a lot of mental power, and is a bit exhausting, but therapeutic rambling actually helps.

So let’s see, update:
Here in norcal we’re not too burdened with quarantine orders, thank God. We can still leave our houses, go for walks, and buy relatively ‘non-essential’ things without being arrested. We are not being pressured or forced to wear masks, and things at times seem almost normal. Many business have switched to pick-up orders, home delivery or, in the case of some retail, they are closed. Traffic, although thinner, still sucks because people have been driving like maniacs. True colors come out and the selfishness of people. It’s too bad and a little bit scary.

I went in a little hike with the kiddos yesterday and had someone scream out the side of his car “Fuck You” to us. (Most likely just me, since I’m the obvious adult in the group.) Nonie became very disturbed and even collapsed in the ground in a bit of a meltdown. I had to push us on, though, not knowing I’d this person was just drunk and retarded, high and violent, or being his regular charming jackass self. I told him rather matter of fact to get up, there wasn’t time to feel bad or meltdown, we have to get to the car first, and once there he could let himself feel whatever he needed to. It was certainly the way I was feeling, and in the end it worked to get us back to the safety of the car quickly. Once there, we were able to talk about what happened, what we were feeling about it, etc. My Nonie is pretty sensitive like me, and he had fight himself to remain calm and keep his mind from going real dark.

I’ve been trying to get out of the house at least once a week. Or at least go for walks around the neighborhood. I try. The weather has been bipolar: cold and cloudy one day, hot and sunny another day. Typical spring weather, but annoying.

The nicest thing about this whole crazy situation has been the clear skies.

I guess I’ll be trying to write here again a bit more regularly then. Hope it helps. 

Edit: I’ve just seen all the spelling and grammar errors. Typing on a phone isn’t the best. I will correct the post another day.