the visit

The kids and I drove about 12 hours to visit with some family. While there were things that happened on the trip that made it not very enjoyable at times, and very trying - obviously I'm referring to the autism related things here - there were still plenty of positive experiences. Several things really stood out as being "whoa" moments... of surprise, confusion, frustration.

My full Autie is starting to get pretty violent. But what amazes me is how he can go from sweet, to enraged child in no time at all - literally no time. I would just watch him when he was being "good" and think when is the next wave coming, or my sweet little boy is going to go feral and try to claw my eyes out. I think it was the first time I'd truly realized just how extreme the change can be. My next task is how to tackle this problem, learning techniques and all the rest.

Another thing that really stood out to me was just how aggressive he was getting. I am very much concerned for our family's future. If this can't be handled, if he continues to grow-up and continues to be violent... there will be no way for us to handle it. I've heard of such sad stories where a family had to send their autistic child to live in group homes specially for them. It's hard! I hope that never happens for us.

And it's becoming more apparent that my older one with PDD is acting more and more with what I think are Aspergers traits. I went to elementary school with a boy who had Aspergers. He reminds me so much of him. I suppose it's still hard to tell, but I got to chat with a relative who is very much involved with autism in the schools - specifically preschool and very young primary grades. Again, just something else that needs to be addressed.

I'm wondering if this is what it's going to be like... the taking notice of things here and there, and then dealing with it accordingly. The only problem is sometimes it's not always clear where to go for help, that you need help, or if there is even help for whatever the problem is. I guess I'll just keep trying to reach out, read blogs, all the rest of it.

[edit] After more learning I  realized that pdd and aspergers do basically overlap with the exception of the speech delay. I don't think Im wrong in this but what makes it so hard to pin point a "label" is that each kid is different, sometimes wildly so, and can be given the same diagnosis.

i just dont know

Sometimes I just don't know how much to attribute the things my kids do or don't do to the ASD. I still have those moments where I'm just staring off into the past, thinking about something my eldest (usually) has done and going WTF? Why does/did he do that? And we talk about it. I explain. I yell. I scold. I talk. And to what end? I tell him the same shit every day, sometimes (usually) several times a day.

Today he was throwing rocks over our fence and it hit the neighbor's car. I hear a man screaming the my kid is throwing rocks, and I should be watching my kids, that his windshield got cracked (which turned out to not be the case)...  Immediately I was like, "Oh shit." But I knew he wasn't lying to me. I knew what this guy was saying was truth. Yeah, my kid probably did throw rocks, something he knows he's not supposed to do for a million reasons. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't let him out in our backyard by himself anymore because he obviously can't be trusted. Never mind that I was attending to my toddler in the house, but whatever.

It was all just a bit overwhelming for me after hearing earlier that my mother, whom I am not personally close to at all, let my eldest, who is only 6 and doesn't know how to swim, venture out into the ocean water while she stayed on the beach somewhere, and he was dragged under and had to be rescued by some good Samaritans who were nearby. 

She's so fucking...
I'm not even going to complete my sentence because I just truly have no words.

You know what all this makes me want to do? Fucking just get away from people. Family included, since many of them just want to be part timers, whine that they never see the kids and then disappear for ages. Or there are some like my mother who want to show up and do fun little things without realizing you have to actually be responsible and interactive! I fucking don't want to deal with them, their drama, their fucking invasion into our life. I feel like things are hard enough without having to worry about how we interface with everybody else. And I seriously just want to live on a farm or something, out in the middle of no and where, just us.

And as for my mother again ( I just have to get this off my chest )... you know, I always have worry and "thoughts" when my eldest is with her because I instinctually don't trust her. She takes on more than she can handle, she's irresponsible in my opinion, she doesn't think things through, thinks she's always right, never listens to or takes others' advice (including us when we tell her things about the kids) I just don't trust her to take good care of my kids. Well, she certainly didn't let me down in that regard, did she.

Even my husband was worrying that our eldest would just walk off with some stranger, something kids on the spectrum are prone to do because they trust everybody and their brother, and my mom would just be like in the fucking clouds not paying attention until it was too late. I've written about this fear we have for our kids elsewhere, too. It's very real.

I'm not cut out for this. I'm failing my babies - my babies that I love so much, but who frustrate me and everything else to no end. Maybe I'm the one in over my head.

And I hate myself for getting angry, mad, upset, resentful, etc. I hate myself for yelling. I hate it. I hate myself.

I realize I should be going the opposite way and thinking how I can help them, what more can I do, and that I am of little consequence in all this... but I feel like giving up.

No, I feel clueless.

But I don't think I'm well: mentally, emotionally, and physically. I feel like I can barely take care of myself most days. And I'm not an old person. Yet I feel so old and tired!

I've also put on some weight from being pregnant twice so close together, and never really took it off. But I'm not obese or anything, it's just that Everything is weighing me and my husband down. Everything.

And the things I've tried haven't seemed to help. Am I doing it wrong? What am I missing?  Maybe my tries have been half-ass...

And our full Autie has really been exhausting us. He's been unmanageable lately. And other times he's fucking amazing!

So, I just don't know about anything.