# running into trees

Stresses have been so high for me lately. I dread being home in the day with eldest. I will sometimes emerge from the bedroom very late in the morning because i dread dealing with his own drama and hyperactive personality. In actuality, i can't deal/ handle it.

So i sometimes shut down.

Shutting down is good and helpful. It keeps me from going apeshit, or postal, or whatever other descriptor you like for 'going crazy'.

But sometimes i am unable to do this, and get pushed near the edge where the invasive thoughts start to really disturb.

Today, as i was approaching a curve in the road, i imagined slamming into a tree there. Those thoughts and feelings are so automatic, reactionary, and without logic. In fact, i had to talk sense back into myself and say something like, "You don't really want to do that. Once you get calm you will see."

These are things i hate dealing with, and am also too used to. At what point do i say enough is enough? At what point am i a literal danger to people?

And do i even mention that my kids were also in the car?

# paralyzed

Im pretty paralyzed at the moment due to some anxiety.

I havent been able to juice because the house is a wreck (the wreck makes my chest tight with anxiety) and looking at the veg or mess just make me freeze.

So i end up walking away.

Pretty familiar. Still a fucking irritating thing to deal with.

Im also super down on myself for being a fucking ugly ass woman.

I hate wearing makeup. I only started really collecting and wearing it the last couple of years.

My skin is shit, with acne, or very large, red scars.

My skin has sun damage, wrinkled areas, blotchiness... its FUGLY.

I hate looking at myself. But Im obsessed with trying to look LESS ugly.

Its fucking hopeless. I sometimes dont know what my husband sees in me.

The stupid part? The makeup makes me look worse!

Im wasting my life watching video after video of YT makeup demos that don't even do anything positive for me.

Im a fat cow.

Im useless at homemaking.

Im useless and homeschooling.

Im useless at cooking.

Im useless at taking care of the kids.

Im just a fucking waste of space.

Im obsessed / fixated on things that I wish I just didn't give a shit about.

I hate the internet and all its distractions. I wander the webs in "escape" and procrastination, only to end up feeling worse at the end of the day.

My husband won't get rid of the internet and is in fucking love with all this shitty technology surrounding us.

I would be much better off, and happier, in the mountains with minimal things to distract me and clutter up my head.

Why won't he fucking help me!?

# juicing and my period. o0

I've made an interesting observation this month where my period has been really light. I normally flow heavy, am exhausted, terribly moody, but too tired to really care about things like I normally would. Example: my kids are being super loud or fighting, and I just don't have the energy to care. Like, my Give-A-Damn just goes broken. But the last few weeks we've been trying to juice at least one glass everyday, and I think it's given me more energy/lighter flow for this months period cycle.

This is only a guess as to why the change, and while it sounds like a really good situation, the result was less than. My moods were REALLY bad. I was so angry, irritated, and just generally really bitchy. I was really confused about where all the extra PMS came from, which always lasts for a couple days after my period, and why it seemed more intense.

I was so stressed out from being...well...stressed out. It sucked. Then I realized that my flow was lighter and that was probably the reason I had more energy... which was now able to be focused toward experiencing more effective shitty moods. Yay.

I would rather be in bed with cramps, and utterly drained, than have more energy so I can be pissed off and yelling at everybody. Seriously, it was shit.

Perhaps it would have been a good opportunity to take some tincture, but since I don't have much left (and have to renew my "green" card) I sort of didn't think about it.

*******

As far as general sleepiness,
I have found that taking Zzquil can be a good thing. This past week I also tried to consistently take some sleep aid to deal with this insomnia. It has helped, I can't deny. Getting better sleep has led to having more energy during the day and I generally feel a bit happier, probably because I'm getting out and doing a little bit more.

But like tonight, it's 3:30 in the morning and i'm just sitting here typing onto a screen, listening to the local police scanner.

I'm going to try and get to bed, and sneak in some cuddles with the husband.

# more insomnia. halp.

I am up writing because I can't sleep. It's nearly 5 am.  I have to be up in the morning as well but I don't know how I'm going to do it. Usually bedtime insomnia will accompany my depression but this is THE WORST it has - i'm tempted to say - it's ever been. What sucks is that the wall of sleepies hits me and I actually fall asleep for a short bit of time. Then I burst awake and just can't get back to sleep.

I've regularly been able to go unconscious around this time of the morning, and not wake up until past noon. This is not good when I'm supposed to be looking after the kiddos. Eldest has been getting them all cereal, which is lovely, and they'll tend to play pretty well together while I'm passed out. I think they've figured out my pattern so they kind of know they can't depend on me for much, and they will try to sort out their own problems without me. On the one hand I'm pleased they could be so independent for still being quite young. On the other hand... well, that really sucks for them to know that mom can't be relied on for half the day.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even know why I can't fall asleep. In fact, I think it's a laundry list of reasons and I just don't know that i can tackle everything on that list. I don't even know if it will help. When I try to imagine just what it is that I want - what it is that would help me go to sleep - I think of

• a clean area (not a clunked up bedroom), 
• no snoring from the husband would be priority, 
• along with: no noises of any kind, hums of electronics, or rumbles of heaters, cats walking around, kids rolling into the walls, etc. 
• My bed is really uncomfortable too, but is a really fancy foam one that's good for hubby's back. As a result of this, and his snoring, I often end up sleeping on the couch, which is not great but better. 
• Complete darkness would probably help, too. We leave a few string lights on because the kids wake up in the night and would freak out in complete darkness. 

I don't know what else would be helpful. Im always cold but will sometimes get hot under our comforter. But other than that, I don't know what I could do besides down some Zzquil or other sleeping potion. All I know is that this REALLY REALLY sucks. And because I haven't been sleeping I'm often a raving bitch with huge crepey bags under my eyes. 

# drunk history... for giggles

Drunk History "Detroit"


So this show, Drunk History, has been out for a looong time. But it was quite the mood lifter for me today. It actually made me laugh out loud a few times, which was ... fun. It was also a fair bit uncomfortable, too. Drunk people are usually very annoying when you're the sober one, so some aspects of the show are kind of embarrassing.

I've been feeling crap these past few days - like the kind of crap where Im literally in bed all day, agitated by loud noises, fatigued, shades not drawn, still in my pjs for days, just let me sleep, kind of crap. But today hubby had off so we spent a majority of it in bed, having emotional *business time* and marathon tv. It was glorious for this turtling depressive.

Tomorrow I have planned to tackle some of these messy piles throughout the house. Shit is a wreck around here, and it's very stressful just to look at. So, one thing at a time, I'm going to TRY and not get overwhelmed, and just clean a small portion of my room. Hopefully that will be the impetus I need to go on autopilot and tackle other parts of the house.

I've also decided it's time to re-dye my hair. Yay! I've actually been excited about this for weeks, yet just haven't had the energy to leave the house and be around people in order to pick up supplies. Maybe I'll be able to tomorrow. My black hair has missed being pink. Since cutting off my ugly dreadlocks, I've been pining for my long, curly, pink hair. I honestly believe that having bright colored hair helps with my moods (sometimes.) When I was thinner it definitely did, but I was a lot more motivated to do things I just can't do as a married mom of 3 little 'uns. Or is that just my excuse?

# new years eve

So what did you do?

I literally forgot it was new years eve. Around midnight I heard popping sounds outside and thought it was gusty winds blowing our fence around again. When the husband said it was fireworks I replied, "Why are there fireworks?" #facepalm

I've just been so tired and sick of this holiday month of december. I'm hoping that next year I'll be able to create a different environment, have a better attitude.. just TRY a little bit more. The difficult thing is that I really don't want to. How typical, eh.

I have been really enjoying this fireplace vid. There is another one on Netflix but it's a little too clean sounding. This has a bit more of that roaring sound from the flames actually consuming the wood, and not just the cracks and pops (which are divine). The kids have even begun to ask me to put it on the big TV with some classical music. Aww, they're so supportive.

*****
Something that SHOULD be a non-issue occurred several days ago when someone tried to use a proxy to view one of my blogs. Well they did use a proxy but my stat tool can detect one IP past the proxy and ... all the info showing for it was pretty much the same as my exbf (dude I had huge fall-out with some time ago.)  He's also, apparently, not very good with a proxy.

I honestly don't like drama but realize that I fixate more than I should on some things. The issue of people from my past (ex bf's) lurking on my sites is one of them. I still can't 100% confirm that it was him, but certain things in this newest visit record matched his previous visit info, coupled with some other weird stuff that happened just the day prior, that Im compelled to think that it was him or his live-in girlfriend who hates me. So now i can't stop thinking about the next time he visits (again), putting my Tweets in private (AGAIN), and whether or not I should leave a nice note for him on the blog he visited for just in case he returns (again, again.) ... I did all those things.

If I were smart, I'd just leave the interwebs. But I'm not that smart.
So anyway,
happy new year.
Here's a lucky catbus cat~