Initially I was kind of looking forward to the kids going back to school. Honestly, they were driving me crazy. The fighting, the bad behavior, and constantly asking to play video games (which I don't allow too often). I was only slightly sad when vacation ended.
Then..
First days back to school and the one NOT giving me any trouble is my autistic kiddo. However, his younger brother (and NT) has been giving us so much bullshit that Im truly at a loss for what to do. He may be acting perfectly normal for his age only i have no idea wtf "normal" is since both our previous kids were not "normal". It seems perfectly clear to me that my youngest NT has picked up on a lot of "bad" behavior from his older autie brother, and employs it when he's trying to assert his own will. He can be the sweetest and most articulate little 5-year-old on one hand, but then transform into a screaming, tantruming bully on the other. Often times he is laughing while doing it.
It's one thing to understand that a child with autism is struggling internally and having an outburst because they can't cope with stimulus or stress. You understand that it is out of their control, but dealing with 45 minute long screaming sessions, and kicking and hitting, day after day will still make a person feel like running away screaming at times; Our marriage, for example, was very close to being destroyed by all the stress.
But my youngest is clever and very smart, and can be reasoned with, and has the ability to understand things the other two would not have been able to at his age. So to see a lot of "bad" behavior be employed in order to get what he wants really really REALLY frustrates me. This morning, I lost my shit with him.
When we finally did get to school I announced that I would be dropping them off at the front. For my autie (who is 7) this was perfectly acceptable. Had he freaked out, I must admit, I would have not done this, but would have walked them onto the campus like I usually do. But, being that my stress level was quite high, I didn't want to have the further anxieties of finding parking and herding the kids out of the car, across the parking lots, etc. In itself, it's not necessarily a stressful act, but yet somehow it is. For me it is.
My youngest cried, stood at the main gate and would not walk the 30 or so meters to his playard gate. He ran after me once and I was unfeeling, offering him no comfort to his crying, and directed him toward the gate and told him to "Go!" It was at this point that his teacher from the previous year saw us, and basically scooped up his hand to walk him to his playard. I said nothing. I simply turned around and walked a quickly as I could back to the car.
At this moment Im not sure what to feel. On the one hand I feel like shit for being such a monster to a 5-y-o. What a jerk I am/ how could I do that/ he's only 5.... On the other hand, Im fed up as shit for the above explanation. This is not new, and I guess with the added stress now of getting both kids to school on time, my own anxiety levels have left me with little to no patience. I'm edgy and breakdown easily. Yesterday both my husband and I had to physically restrain the youngest and force clothing on him. That is bullshit that I just can't go through again, especially with a child who is not autistic and capable of much more understanding then his brothers were at that age.
