Therapy is going in a weird way. I've never had therapy quite like this. It seems like a lot of it is just meandering chit chat. It's back and forth as well. I know a lot about my therapist. Is that normal? I actually hate feeling like Im just blabbing on and on in no focused direction. This is probably why I don't chit-chat and small talk very well. It takes a lot of energy to talk about meaningful things. I'm not the kind of person who feels that small talk is easy or beneficial. Why fake it?
Anyway, I think perhaps she's trying to get at the root of my issues in an organic way. If we talk about whatever is on my mind, we'll most definitely get to the heart of my problems eventually. Then I think she tries to break up the intensity with more chit-chat. I guess that's good? I don't even know, and feel like I'm just along for the ride. I'm trying to stay positive about it.
I started...cue the music: dun dun dunnnn...EXERICISING! Ok, it's only been 2 days, but this is the summer of action, remember. In the past I might have done some Zuzka workouts with the intention of getting effing ripped and fit, haha. But then I'd go all turtle again. I actually used to follow her when she was with Bodyrock. That was how many years ago already? And I haven't actually accomplished jack crap. But I'm really wanting to do this properly. I'll be honest: I'm not motivated, I'm not excited, but I'm hopeful and just really want to feel better all around. So - I'm just going to say it - Ima do this.
No, I haven't been taking my vitamins very regularly. I should walk into my bedroom and get them but I'm pretty much done for the night. My husband and I are currently sleeping apart. I have a little day bed in the living room so I can get away from his snoring. I also have been having some back pain from our bed. And I just sometimes need my own space. I wish I could have my own room, but a bed in the living room will have to do for now.
It's been 2 or 3 weeks since the kids have been out of school and we haven't left the house. My fault there. All me. So I'm going to try really hard to take them out to the lake tomorrow. Or the water fountain park. Or my favorite creek an hour away. I feel kind of guilty, but it's also been 113 degrees. I grew up in southern california where my summers of 90 degree weather were normal for me. I don't think I've ever been able to psychologically acclimate to inland norcal valley summer temps. I'm not meant for heat.
Kids have been good so far. They bicker and I sometimes roar at them like a bear for doing stupid shit they know they shouldn't do... like wrestling and running the house. But, as I mentioned, its been over 100 degrees and their wiggles need driving out somehow. I've actually enjoyed having them with me all day, even if they do stress me out. I think I've missed them being in school all day everyday. However, when hubby gets home my brain is done! So that's the hard part.
Ok, off to bed.
Sorry, no kitty pics. I'll beat myself harshly like a house elf.
6/20/15
# Watching Cat Videos Serves Useful Purpose, Research Finds via NPR
A survey published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior finds that cat videos can boost a person's mood. Nearly 7,000 people were surveyed about Internet cat videos.
(This was the original purpose of the internets.)
(This was the original purpose of the internets.)
6/15/15
# therapy, day2
Well Im feeling a little bit better about my therapy session today. Our conversation seemed to meander a bit, consisted of many things I already knew, but also had a few helpful tips and insights.
Some basic health tips she gave me were to start taking some Vitamin D and magnesium. Apparently, being deficient in these can lead to a lessened ability to deal with certain stressors, and subsequently lead to symptoms of depression. This is quite interesting considering that I tested as being deficient in Vit D this past winter.
Another tip for dealing with anxiety/depress - which is obvious, but sometimes we just need to be "on notice" - is partaking in exercise or meditation. Apparently 20 or so minutes of meditation can have the same benefits as exercise, but it just takes longer in terms of time (not duration) to feel the effects of those benefits. Now, we didn't discuss exactly the mechanisms or the HOW of what's happening physiologically, but I'm assuming we're talking about biochemical responses. I will research this more and write about that in another post.
I asked her a couple of question on medicinal cannabis, and if she had any ideas why I would start to experience panic attacks from it but we didn't get too far in that conversation, except to say that some people can have opposite effects to what the "drug" is supposed to do. For example: alcohol makes me sleepy, but makes my therapist awake. Coffee can make a person relaxed, another anxious. It just depends on the person. So there you have it.
One big realization that has come to me in the last few days, and especially when considering PTSD as my diagnosis, is that everything - EVERYTHING - stems from the anxiety. This makes sense when I consider my entire childhood was spent walking on eggshells, and waiting for the next bomb to drop, so to speak. She explained that the more anxious you feel, the more your mind/body wants to shut down because everything becomes too overwhelming. In doing so, you can become more isolated and withdrawn, which in turn can lead to the depression. This made so much sense to me. My depression is a product of my anxiety. And if I can get a handle on the anxiety, then I can get a handle on the depression.
We also talked a little bit about medication and neural-pathways. I told her I had read about SSRI's normally being prescribed because they still allow new neural-pathways to be formed, unlike with the heavier anti-psychotics. She agreed and added that not all the SSRIs deal with anxiety, and they are mostly prescribed to only to deal with depression, but it depends on what the patient goes to their doctor for. If a person knows they have anxiety, a medication is prescribed for that. If they know they are depressed, then a medication is prescribed just for that. But since they mostly run together, only one half of the problem is being addressed. And if they actually have both issues going on, a person will likely end up on a cocktail of pharmaceuticals. No thanks.
So Im going to attempt this new phase of healing without meds. Perhaps the occasional rum and coke will suffice my most stressful times.
We talked a little about invasive thoughts, or nightmares. I don't have nightmares but I do (have had) obsessive replays of past events that FELT in my very body as though they were happening all over again - Im talking about panic, I guess. Anyway, she explained that this is still a way the mind tries to sort through traumas, but in a conservationist way. I guess it's a way that's less emotional? I'm not totally sure I understand this yet. But that over a time of talking about it, those obsessional replays become less and less, as well as the anxiety surrounding those events.
We also talked a bit about other "personality traits" i display but already knew about, such as perfectionism. But now that I'm starting to look at things from a different lens, I feel like I may need some time to understand these traits from that different perspective. Maybe not. But I kind of feel like I need to give my brain a chance to absorb and stew over things a bit.
So here is my To-do list:
Some basic health tips she gave me were to start taking some Vitamin D and magnesium. Apparently, being deficient in these can lead to a lessened ability to deal with certain stressors, and subsequently lead to symptoms of depression. This is quite interesting considering that I tested as being deficient in Vit D this past winter.
Another tip for dealing with anxiety/depress - which is obvious, but sometimes we just need to be "on notice" - is partaking in exercise or meditation. Apparently 20 or so minutes of meditation can have the same benefits as exercise, but it just takes longer in terms of time (not duration) to feel the effects of those benefits. Now, we didn't discuss exactly the mechanisms or the HOW of what's happening physiologically, but I'm assuming we're talking about biochemical responses. I will research this more and write about that in another post.
I asked her a couple of question on medicinal cannabis, and if she had any ideas why I would start to experience panic attacks from it but we didn't get too far in that conversation, except to say that some people can have opposite effects to what the "drug" is supposed to do. For example: alcohol makes me sleepy, but makes my therapist awake. Coffee can make a person relaxed, another anxious. It just depends on the person. So there you have it.
One big realization that has come to me in the last few days, and especially when considering PTSD as my diagnosis, is that everything - EVERYTHING - stems from the anxiety. This makes sense when I consider my entire childhood was spent walking on eggshells, and waiting for the next bomb to drop, so to speak. She explained that the more anxious you feel, the more your mind/body wants to shut down because everything becomes too overwhelming. In doing so, you can become more isolated and withdrawn, which in turn can lead to the depression. This made so much sense to me. My depression is a product of my anxiety. And if I can get a handle on the anxiety, then I can get a handle on the depression.
We also talked a little bit about medication and neural-pathways. I told her I had read about SSRI's normally being prescribed because they still allow new neural-pathways to be formed, unlike with the heavier anti-psychotics. She agreed and added that not all the SSRIs deal with anxiety, and they are mostly prescribed to only to deal with depression, but it depends on what the patient goes to their doctor for. If a person knows they have anxiety, a medication is prescribed for that. If they know they are depressed, then a medication is prescribed just for that. But since they mostly run together, only one half of the problem is being addressed. And if they actually have both issues going on, a person will likely end up on a cocktail of pharmaceuticals. No thanks.
So Im going to attempt this new phase of healing without meds. Perhaps the occasional rum and coke will suffice my most stressful times.
We talked a little about invasive thoughts, or nightmares. I don't have nightmares but I do (have had) obsessive replays of past events that FELT in my very body as though they were happening all over again - Im talking about panic, I guess. Anyway, she explained that this is still a way the mind tries to sort through traumas, but in a conservationist way. I guess it's a way that's less emotional? I'm not totally sure I understand this yet. But that over a time of talking about it, those obsessional replays become less and less, as well as the anxiety surrounding those events.
We also talked a bit about other "personality traits" i display but already knew about, such as perfectionism. But now that I'm starting to look at things from a different lens, I feel like I may need some time to understand these traits from that different perspective. Maybe not. But I kind of feel like I need to give my brain a chance to absorb and stew over things a bit.
So here is my To-do list:
- vit D (2000 units)
- magnesium
- exercise (ymca/swim/taichi/trampoline/other)
- sitting outside for 10 minutes
- meditation/prayer (spontaneous and planned)
- carrying food in my bag (hypoglycemia)
6/10/15
BIGGEST REGRETS (Motivation Mondays #1)
I've been having some challenges lately. I don't really know what to do about this whole therapy thing. I'm not sure I want to go through this again. There comes a time in life when you're just done talking about things. You're sick of giving it more power. And, for me, to continue to talk about my past things give it power. Why? Because it still affects me. I want to just leave it in the past. I want to address what my issues are (yes, you have to first understand what they were born out of) move on. This therapist wants me to talk about my past and how it relates to the present, but Im sick of doing that.
Anyway...
I love Kandee and really needed to hear this today. (I know, everyone says that.) I've been watching her for a few years now. She has the best messages that really do inspire. It's a very simplistic message but it draws something special out of me... this desire to get up and go do something with my life, even if it's just going to the grocery store. I might think about starting my day of with one of her inspirational talks. She's a christian and so I understand her perspective on things. However, I do have some issues still, but perhaps that is more my problem and less hers. Regardless, Kandee is one of the best things on Youtube, and that's because she is sweet, silly, loves everybody, and is generally a lovely individual. At least, she seems that way to me.
In other news, I've gone and rearranged my house again. I was having some awful anxiety over the mess, etc etc, blah blah blah, and started moving crap around. However, I actually think this new layout might actually help to relieve some of my stress. I might post some pictures because this is a blog after all.
Anyway...
I love Kandee and really needed to hear this today. (I know, everyone says that.) I've been watching her for a few years now. She has the best messages that really do inspire. It's a very simplistic message but it draws something special out of me... this desire to get up and go do something with my life, even if it's just going to the grocery store. I might think about starting my day of with one of her inspirational talks. She's a christian and so I understand her perspective on things. However, I do have some issues still, but perhaps that is more my problem and less hers. Regardless, Kandee is one of the best things on Youtube, and that's because she is sweet, silly, loves everybody, and is generally a lovely individual. At least, she seems that way to me.
In other news, I've gone and rearranged my house again. I was having some awful anxiety over the mess, etc etc, blah blah blah, and started moving crap around. However, I actually think this new layout might actually help to relieve some of my stress. I might post some pictures because this is a blog after all.
6/3/15
# no pics, therapy, a camping trip
This past monday I had my first appointment with a therapist. I honestly don't know what to expect to get out of it. I honestly think I need some retraining of the brain - I guess its referred to as cognitive therapy - and this lady doesn't like to do that sort of thing. She prefers talking methods. But I'm quite sick of talking. I've talked, I've thought. I pretty much know why i do and feel the things I do. What I need is to channel that knowledge and energy into CHANGE.
The hell?
So I also made the mistake of answering her question of "Are you spiritual" in the affirmative, forgetting that means totally different things to different people. So I'm not too excited about having to hear things about being intuitive to "energies" of people, and angels, and paths that we choose for ourselves before we are even born... ugh. I'm really good at just letting people talk and redirecting the convo onto a more suitable-for-me direction. I'm not so good with telling people I don't buy what their selling.
I'm "spiritual", but not that way.
The only positive thing that came out of it was her telling me she suspected PTSD. Im pretty sure I already knew that as the CAUSE of the depression and anxiety, but it was good to hear some professional confirmation. So I'm feeling a little bit more adventurous in researching various topics through the lens of PTSD. For instance, I can pick up a book on general anxiety and relate it to PTSD for more consistency and effective understanding.
I don't really want to stick with this whole therapy thing. But I should probably not quit just after the first visit. So yes, the therapist freaks me out a bit, she's kind of weird, she seems nice enough... but I just don't know how much faith I put in talking blah blah blah. It's cathartic, sure, and that is why I write a blog. But those energies are just being released into the nether, with no direction. I need FOCUS. And I don't see how talking is going to do that. I've never stuck with talk therapy very long for this reason. It was always the meds that seemed to do more in terms of benefits and "healing".
So we will see.
***
This weekend we are heading to the beach! I'm so excited! It's supposed to be a nice little secluded spot where only tenting is allowed. NO RVs! As one who has been lately taken with the idea of van dwelling and stealth camping, the possibilities for such camping is awesome. Because of the kids, though, we had to buy a tent. But we shall see if they even want to stay in it. It would be nice - and necessary - to have some alone time with the hubby in the van (ooo, yeah), but it might not work out. Still, it's the fricken BEACH! Such excite.
***
That is all for now.
The hell?
So I also made the mistake of answering her question of "Are you spiritual" in the affirmative, forgetting that means totally different things to different people. So I'm not too excited about having to hear things about being intuitive to "energies" of people, and angels, and paths that we choose for ourselves before we are even born... ugh. I'm really good at just letting people talk and redirecting the convo onto a more suitable-for-me direction. I'm not so good with telling people I don't buy what their selling.
I'm "spiritual", but not that way.
The only positive thing that came out of it was her telling me she suspected PTSD. Im pretty sure I already knew that as the CAUSE of the depression and anxiety, but it was good to hear some professional confirmation. So I'm feeling a little bit more adventurous in researching various topics through the lens of PTSD. For instance, I can pick up a book on general anxiety and relate it to PTSD for more consistency and effective understanding.
I don't really want to stick with this whole therapy thing. But I should probably not quit just after the first visit. So yes, the therapist freaks me out a bit, she's kind of weird, she seems nice enough... but I just don't know how much faith I put in talking blah blah blah. It's cathartic, sure, and that is why I write a blog. But those energies are just being released into the nether, with no direction. I need FOCUS. And I don't see how talking is going to do that. I've never stuck with talk therapy very long for this reason. It was always the meds that seemed to do more in terms of benefits and "healing".
So we will see.
***
This weekend we are heading to the beach! I'm so excited! It's supposed to be a nice little secluded spot where only tenting is allowed. NO RVs! As one who has been lately taken with the idea of van dwelling and stealth camping, the possibilities for such camping is awesome. Because of the kids, though, we had to buy a tent. But we shall see if they even want to stay in it. It would be nice - and necessary - to have some alone time with the hubby in the van (ooo, yeah), but it might not work out. Still, it's the fricken BEACH! Such excite.
***
That is all for now.
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