❀a WTF type of night

Last night was a bit of a marital crisis for me. Many people these days probably won't even bat an eyelash when I say that I found a sexual tweet by my husband to some "unknown" cosplayer who posted a picture of her ass falling out of some skimpy shorts. Seriously, these things were basically thongs.

Fistly: I was already somewhat mental. And we had just had an intimate encounter, which will usually augment any emotion I'm already feelings. Go guess what? I went ape shit.

He promises it was intended to be funny as what he tweeted was a line from a movie. I know the line, I know what the line intends, but I was still furious and insulted.

After a long while of explaining his frame of mind as he tweeted it - which, by the way didn't help to make me feel any better at all - I drove off at 11 o'clock at night, wandering here and there and eventually ending up at Walmart to do some middle of the night shopping. What else is an upset depressed person going to do in the middle of the night?

Our culture is oversexed and desensitized to so much crap these days; we don't have traditional television for this reason. Do men not see how insecure a lot of us girls - no, sorry, WOMEN -  are?  Especially some of us who used to have great little bodies but have since BORE THEIR CHILDREN, become  a bit soft, and look a bit tired around the eyes these days? Can we compete with the young girls like that, flaunting their half naked bodies to the world? I refuse to compete with shit like that! But that doesn't mean I'm bursting at the seams with the greatest self-esteem.

One day that girl might be someone's mom. I know we all do crazy shit when we're young but we "adults" should be the ones thinking about that stuff and not contributing to stupid young-person antics. But at the moment she is someone's daughter, and in that respect I would expect someone who is already a DAD to just not bother "going there", joke or not.

I suppose one could argue that the cosplayer-girl doesn't have much security either, and I should feel sorry for her, or else why would she be showing off her body in such a way to a bunch of random people on the internet? Obviously she wants a response. Well she got it. From my husband, no less, who thought it was the coolest thing when she @replied to him. Woohoo. I hope he's happy because I'm currently feeling shitty and angry and insulted.

Even though I believe his story (now), it doesn't make me want to be all cuddly and cozy at the moment. Needless to say I slept in the living room last night and I don't even want to see him when he comes home. It's going to be weird. I love him, but I honestly don't want to be around him right now. I just want to be left alone. The sad thing is he's leaving on Sunday morning for a whirlwind trip several states away for a family event. I don't want him to leave while I'm still angry. Unfortunately I can't help how i feel, as much as I'd love to be able to have a switch for things like this. So, yeah... I don't know.

Sorry no kitty picture today...

❀im feeling hateful

These past few days have been a drain on me.

First: I'm really hating this year's summer. The heat has been a stimulus that I just can't overcome. For the last 15 years I've been living up and down the "valley" where the heat just collects during the summer and I'm no stranger to +100 degree heat. Prior to that I lived in the hot inland region of the state where, again, it gets to be near 100 degrees all summer. I don't like it, but I guess I just got used to it. Actually, now I think of it, I've never really coped well and even experience hot/cold flashes from exercise and heat that cause my skin to crawl. When I say "crawl" I mean it. It's like the most uncomfortable goosebumps.

kitty hugs!!

So, yeah, I hate the heat and even shaved my head one year because the stimulus was too much. But this year has been worse than winter. Doors shut, shades drawn, sitting in the dark, laying on the floor because it's cooler... I mean, I know other people have worse conditions but that doesn't mean I'm not truly and honestly tortured by this situation. This must be the summer version of SAD, which must seem laughable to some. Basically, I'm bummed out as ever.

There are some nice places around here that give me a sense of calmness. I don't know if it's just the change in scenerey - but I truly believe it has more to do with being swallowed up by nature. There are, in fact, studies that show children with ADD fair better when in very green and open spaces, i.e. nature-y environments. The outdoors is therapeutic. So for myself I do love to explore the more tree-filled areas here.

Do i even make sense here? Im talking about the infernal heat, then talking about being surrounded by greenery. It connects in my head *shrugs*.

Anyway, Im sick of living in towns with a Walmart, you know what I mean? I've been growing more and more in love with the wooded areas - the coastal mountains would be my absolute paradise - but I do enjoy warmth among trees and shade. This particular town we visit (below) is one of my current love affairs. There's not much there, i.e. drive to the next large town for supplies, but for me it seems perfect. Snow in winter, high temps in summer which is lessened by the tree and mountain shade, cicadas singing, the river, cute downtown... well I could go on.

A few photos I took on our last visit:

❀my pit

I rule over aaaaalll the legos!

It's mid morning and I'm sinking down the rabbit hole. I haven't medicated yet and I'm not sure if I should. I've already reached the point in this experiment whereby if I don't medicate I feel dizzy and loopy. I should not be on the internet in this state. I've already read one horrible story that sent me into tears, and feel like punching the computer screen when I read lame-ass bitch tweets in Twitter.

(You can tell Im crazy right now because I'm cursing all over the place like a sailor .)

Man I'm just stuck in a pit of self loathing. I keep going round in circles about how I've accomplished nothing in life, the dreams I once had (or do have) are unattainable because Im too stupid to figure out how to make it happen, and that I'm a loser for feeling this way. The lingering feeling of dread and anxiousness that something bad is going to happen is getting heavier as the day goes by. I sometimes hear myself saying within my own head that I'm going to die and will have lead an unremarkable and shitty existence.

I do feel unclever though. I make the mistake of reading interesting articles and blogs on the things I want for myself and for the family. I read about how people are living out a tinyhouse or minimalist life, and how their debt is dwindling, and how they feel free and have more time to do fun things with the kids or whatever. I think - What the fuck is wrong with me that I can't make any of that happen?? I COULD accomplish something but I'm AFRAID to get it wrong. AFRAID I'll suck at it or waste my time because my daft idea was stupid. I have NO faith in myself.

This one is definitely MINE!

Sure I went to university and graduated with honors - eventually. To tell the truth, I can remember being in high school and not really knowing if I ever would go to college. I remember thinking that I wasn't good enough to go, or that it just seemed too unattainable for some reason. It wasn't because I didn't want it, I just didn't think it was ... realistic. Who was going to help me? Certainly not my parents! Even when I was in junior college I don't think a proper 4-year degree seemed like a real thing in my mind - to say nothing of a graduate degree which I nearly began before I fucked that up, too.

This is all the kind of bullshit one has to deal with when they grow up in a shitty family where one is a drunken pot-head depressed person who constantly tells you how much of a loser you are and won't amount to anything, and the other just wants to escape by shopping their problems away and screaming at everyone else who merely exists in her path. How much longer until I figure out that I am in control of my own life?! And that the old bullshit doesn't rule me anymore?! Is that even possible?

Our Dragonkitty when he was little. I can hear him thinking, "If you touch my Legos I will destroy you."

❀I recently didn’t leave my house for two weeks. Normally, in a fit of anxiousness, I will spontaneously exit the house at weird hours of the night and go grocery shopping or whatever,  I think in a last ditch effort to be "productive" or just delay the ending of the day. Although the anxiety wasn’t as bad as it sometimes gets, I just couldn’t will myself to get out of the house. The kids have been pretty good, too. They will fight every now and then but in general they don’t seem to want to go anywhere either.



A few days ago I did have to leave the house (technically I had passed to the two week marker) to go to the market. Two weeks without going to the market will force you to use up all your stores of food - which is actually a good thing. My fridge was so tidy by the end of it all. And we even had less trash to take to the dump, so that was pretty insightful to how much waste a household makes.*****

Today is one of those days where I want to get out but can’t. My internal operations aren’t so great and I’m feeling pretty sickly at the moment. However, I’m fairly medicated so the anxiety - which was an issue during the morning hours - became lessened over the day. But I still had apprehension about getting Out There and just not enough motivation to MOVE.*****



This fucking sucks. I wan’t to get out but can’t because I’m either afraid of being around people, worried it’s going to suck (this has more to do with the kids and their sometimes unpredictable behavior), or… shit, I just can’t put my finger on it since it’s sometimes a combination of a ton of things and reasons.  All legitimate? Maybe.*****

I think the depression just hit relatively hard today. I had a shit ton of self loathing for no reason but a ton of reasons. Plus, the husband and I were mirroring each other’s apprehensive feelings about leaving the house with the kids, and general depressed mood. That is never a good thing - two depressed people who can’t will themselves to do anything productive in an effort to feel better about life. We’re scrooood.*****

I’m hoping I can make up for productivity by staying up late to get some housework done. It’s been so hot, even inside, and my desire to do chores is nonexistent when the Littles are running around making messes and requiring food every couple of hours.*****

Fuck me. I hate myself.*****

❀in which i write about feeling like a loner and food

<3


Please kittyhug me David. <3

About 8 years ago I discovered the raw food movement. I researched, started making foods (that were gross or complicated), bought some books, and quickly fell away from it. I think the pressure of providing meals that the family actually wanted to eat made me quickly give up. I felt guilty trying to make them eat things they didn't want to or that weren't filling. So I stayed preparing s.a.d. style - not every day as I at least had enough knowledge how to eat healthy as a vegetarian (or modified one)... so I thought.

Over the years my personal health has deteriorated, Ive had even more children who hate healthy food, and my cooking style has gotten worse.  I HATE food. I HATE cooking and I HATE eating. My health/well being is going down the drain. Im convinced that my depression is strongly related to my diet. I think I have an overgrowth of candida. I have body aches because I'm fat. I can't sleep. I have anxiety issues. I hate myself. Im always bloated. I'm exhausted.

So if I know all this why haven't I just gone back on the diet/lifestyle?

As much as my little family may love me, they are a terrible influence on me. And I have no one to keep me accountable. And I have little self control when it comes to food issues - at least, in this time of my life I do.

I try to get by alone, which is bad for me. My instinct is to be a loner. I barely keep in contact with friends from the past. I don't have any friends where I live, although you could say I've met people and have acquaintances. I even have a dear friend from high school who lives in my town although I've never met up with her, or talked to her on the phone, and I've lived here for 5 years already.

Why do I seclude myself?  I think I realize that I need people. And friends. Something happened while I was in my mid twenties and finishing college. That was the last time I actually MADE a new friend. Sadly she moved away, as did I. Myspace helped us stay in touch for a little while, lol. I think I'm just tired of things changing, people moving on, and etc.

So I stay a loner.