# trying to calm down from overdose of adrenaline

I have a really hard time when people confront me, or want to debate, or if some conversation even sounds kind of aggressive. I don't mean I get confronted all the time for things I've done wrong, but like if someone wants to take me on in an issue, even if it's just to know what my thoughts are on it.

Ok, so like today:
My husband's office mate is a christian speaker/teacher. He goes around to various christian churches and speaks on biblical things, I guess. He's part of the very protestant, and evangelical, and nondenomenational kind of christian tradition that is very common here in America.

*tacklehug!*

Within the last year we have actually left behind that kind of tradition, and are soon to be baptised into the Orthodox church. (Im so happy about this!) I have a whole story about how it's come about that we are converting to Eastern Orthodoxy, but I won't go into it right now because it would take too long to try and explain. But basically, Hubby's office mate likes to give him a bit of teasing over this - saying he's joining a cult, etc. There are plenty of theological differences for all the similarities one would find between the various christian "denomintations". (By the way, Eastern Orthodox see itself as existing pre-denominations, which after studying a bit on this I do agree is true. But anyway...)

So soft and sweet and ZOMG *Tacklehug!*

So I took lunch to Hubby and sat with him in his office that he shares with his co-worker. So of course, some of the questions about our current spiritual path come up. I won't delve into what exactly we talked about, but I mostly just wanted to note that I tend to get very stressed out during situations like this.

shhhh, tacklehug gently

I don't like feeling that I'm debating, or having to defend myself, or prove a point. I suppose that after a few of these kind of sessions I would probably relax and just go with the flow of the conversation, but I don't like being put on the spot. I'm not a great speaker, and sometimes I'm barely articulate. I forget main points. I stammer. I can't breath. My heart races. I get very hot in the face.

It's just so not comfortable for me.

So tired from all the tacklehugging =)

In the end, I think the convo went alright, and it seemed that Office-mate was genuinely curious about my experience. Neither one of us tried to change the other's point of view, I surely wouldn't try this with anybody. But I did feel like there was a bit of an ulterior motive in his approach of conversation. Needless to say, most protestants have a very strong view on how one can do 'christian-ing', if you get my meaning. Orthodox church says, We are here for you to be your guide, as a mother guides her children. She teaches fasting, but the Orthodox don't say that one is going to hell if you don't fast enough for example, which is I think what a lot of protestants think we do.

Eh, whatevs.

Anyway, it's been hours since i got home and I'm still not recovered. My adrenaline rushes are always either On or Off, and lately it seems like somebody lodged the switch in the on position. My body's Fight or Flight is way too sensitive. So now I'm feeling sick, slightly shaky with a bit of a headache. And I'm not sure how to deal with this side of my chemical imbalance.

Ugh, enter stress eating. lol

nomsnomsnomsnoms

xOXOx

# i either need to be on or off

I found this funny image online:

This really made me smile considering all my issues with social media and technology. I love blogging, though. It really helps me sort through thoughts and get restless energy out. But lets be real - I would rather stay home and read a book than socialize. I would rather stick my face in a newspaper and pretend to be intently reading than talk to a random stranger for no reason other than to socialize.

I really need to establish new habits because Twitter is not a good outlet for me, but because I have a bit of a compulsion to "express my thoughts", Im likely to do it there. It's fast, easy, but not productive, with the exception of a few fun things. Most people do longer-Twitter on Facebook, but thank goodness I've gotten out of that habit. So why is Twitter so hard? I don't even follow anyone I know IRL, and neither to they follow me. It's a weird entity to me. (By the way, the twitter listed for the blog is not the account to which I'm referring.)

I expect I'll still go back and forth on this issue until I can gather the will or whatever, make some new habits, and escape the Twitterverse. Its sometimes quite toxic, too, especially for overly emotional types. And what the hell can really be expressed appropriately in 140 characters?

# im going to barf

OK, there is definitely a connection between my vertigo and stress. I've been hella stressed all day today.

☆ I heard from a cousin this morning that my grama is not doing very well, and that i should go and see her before she forgets who i am. She lives on the other end of the state, about 12 hours away. And there's lots of baggage there, too. But i love my grama, and I need to go.

☆ I've been receiving more visits from my Pasadena based lurker, ie ex bf. - The proxies just aren't working, sweeheart.
I've been trying to consider what to do about this. I can't explain again the Whys of why this bothers me, but basically i don't trust his intentions. I especially dont like the idea that it also may be his girlfriend viewing. So I'm taking a chance and addressing my concerns directly to him.
I initially wrote something on that blog last night, but took it down earlier today. I don't know why, but I decided to compose a more amicable email asking him why he's lurking me. Tonight I saw a lovely visit from someone from Germany, using the same vpn with the same systems stats as him. Yay.
So I have my email pretty much ready to go with screenshots to show that I KNOW what's going on.
But do I send it? The anxiety in my chest over all of this has caused my bout of vertigo today, i know it.
The anxiety in my chest while i was writing and collecting screenshots was overwhelming.
The anxiety i get just from thinking about his response makes me ill. The fact that he might respond to me gives me butterflies, not in a good or pleasant way at all. I don't want to have a response from him.
And yet... I feel that i need to address this directly.
So what do I do...
I guess I'll  let you know.

# this made me laugh so much today: 'The Interceptors' Title Sequence - Top Gear - Series 17 Episode 5 - BBC...

# suicide fantasies

I saw something on FB that made me think of something concerting suicide, my fantasies, invasive thoughts, and utterly feeling like life is just too hard. I have, in the past, and like many other depressives, have wanted to die. When I was around 10 years old I used to pray every night that I could die in my sleep. I used to cry and ask God to let me just not wake up. So in my young-adult and adult years, those desires were definitely felt much more strongly due to the dramas that naturally occur in life. Of course, when I was younger I was living in a house full of chaos, verbal and emotional abuses, alcohol, wife beatings... *sigh*, you get the idea and I don't want to rattle off my list of wonderful memories. 

Anyway, onto my point of this thing:

I'm always amazed by the fact that I never did myself in. There were so many times when things were so bad for me (mentally/emotionally) that I just wanted it to all end. Yet, I never went through with it. Why? I have no idea.

Some people might say that I was strong, or that I am strong because I endured my horrible low times. Those times were painful. They made me sick. Made me so exhausted. But I've never thought of myself as strong. In fact, I think of myself as being weak just because I do deal with depression. What's really kind of sick is that I've definitely always thought of myself as being weak for NOT doing myself in. Perhaps that is because I have no sense of positive self-esteem, I don't know. 

The page I follow in particular on Facebook that deals with depression and other mental health issues is called Stand Against Stigma. I don't like to follow too many mental health feeds because I find they just sort of send me down the rabbit hole of bad juju. 

# i couldnt find any cats. Plus, noise sucks.

noise.

The biggest thing that will fray a depressed, anxious, nervy person is loud noise. I would say that even loud music can be overwhelming. But mostly noise. Just. Noise.

One of the reasons i long and pine for living in "wilderness" is a hopeful escape from lawnmowers, race car track which will be busy during the summer, loud cars whizing by, the waves of the freeway (yes, I can hear the freeway from quite a way's away), the odd trains going by, and early morning beeping of equipment from the nearby lumber yard. My kids I have to take with me.

Loud noises have made me want to throw my head into a wall, and it's not always convenient to wear my noise cancelling headphones, which work pretty good but make listening to music kind of hard. I would say that for calming it is nice to listen to relaxing music at a reasonable volume. And the website A Soft Murmur is great for calming ambient sounds. I highly recommend the singing bells with thunder, and then hit the Meander button. You're welcome.

xOxOXoXo