# suicide fantasies

I saw something on FB that made me think of something concerting suicide, my fantasies, invasive thoughts, and utterly feeling like life is just too hard. I have, in the past, and like many other depressives, have wanted to die. When I was around 10 years old I used to pray every night that I could die in my sleep. I used to cry and ask God to let me just not wake up. So in my young-adult and adult years, those desires were definitely felt much more strongly due to the dramas that naturally occur in life. Of course, when I was younger I was living in a house full of chaos, verbal and emotional abuses, alcohol, wife beatings... *sigh*, you get the idea and I don't want to rattle off my list of wonderful memories. 

Anyway, onto my point of this thing:

I'm always amazed by the fact that I never did myself in. There were so many times when things were so bad for me (mentally/emotionally) that I just wanted it to all end. Yet, I never went through with it. Why? I have no idea.

Some people might say that I was strong, or that I am strong because I endured my horrible low times. Those times were painful. They made me sick. Made me so exhausted. But I've never thought of myself as strong. In fact, I think of myself as being weak just because I do deal with depression. What's really kind of sick is that I've definitely always thought of myself as being weak for NOT doing myself in. Perhaps that is because I have no sense of positive self-esteem, I don't know. 

The page I follow in particular on Facebook that deals with depression and other mental health issues is called Stand Against Stigma. I don't like to follow too many mental health feeds because I find they just sort of send me down the rabbit hole of bad juju.