Im not really sure what to do. I absolutely think it's time - time to get back on meds. It's kind of hard since "dealing" with these feelings/states-of-mind are so common and normal for me.
So I keep thinking I can just push through a little more. But I can't.
I think when my husband comes home from work I'll ask for his help. I don't even really know what I should be asking for but just that I should.
But I'm pretty close to having another non-functional phase.
I'm absolutely avoiding so many things at this moment.
I'm 34 and although I've done a little bit here and there with meds and therapy, I haven't done anything significant with it because I never see it all through to the end.
I think I'm starting to realize a lot of things like this right now. In a way this gives me more anxiety.
But at least I'm realizing something has to change. I can't sustain a life like this.
While I'm not the strongest and best example of a Christian, I am a believer. I think in a way that having faith has actually hurt me in some ways.
I definitely feel quick to "give up" because the thought of getting off this rock and all the hurt to be with God is so powerfully strong at times. I honestly don't know how I didnt die a long time ago, before my faith was even half what it is now.
But then I also have a ton of guilt (as if I didn't have enough to contend with) because being depressed is sinful, not having faith that the Lord will provide, etc.
I used to pray that God would take me in my sleep when I was very young. He never did. As I got older i would pray from relief from my depression and messed up way of thinking. But he didn't.
There are explainations for why "nothing" happened. You could say that my condition is just something similar to, say, cancer in that our bodies just get broken and require a doctor.
