❀ cannabis tincture - I bought the wrong one.

Off the cannabis for a while. Gradually my inability to control my anxiety has come back. It usually results in uncontrolled crying, being immobilized because the thought of doing anything makes me uneasy, and of course racing thoughts that don't go away and cause me sadness/discomfort/fear/etc.

I had to stop taking the tincture because I realized it was the wrong balance of strain, and it started to give me ANXIETY. Great.

I had no idea what I was buying originally and so I had to ask the dispenser what would be good for anxiety. I did read up on it before hand but being around all that ,, erm ,, product ,, I was completely overwhelmed. I knew I wanted a tincture but knew nothing about the tinctures that were there.

In the end,, the dispenser person was wrong in his suggestion. Now I know better and will be getting a different blend next time I go in. In the meantime I was hoping to clear my body of the current product so it would knock me out as though I'd never taken any before, and I could continue to use it at night time only.

This is the first day in a few weeks having taken it and I feel absolutely thrashed. Very tired, very groggy. But it's better than a weed induced panic.

From wikipedia:

Difference between C. indica and C. sativa:

Cannabis sativa has a higher level of THC compared to CBD, while Cannabis indica has a higher level of CBD compared to THC.[4] Cannabis strains with relatively high CBD:THC ratios are less likely to induce anxiety than vice versa.

Cannabis used in therapeutic medicines is the strain with higher cannabidiol and virtually NONE of the THC. While people may find uses for both strains (recreationally) be advised the differences are actually quite large when trying to attain a specific result from your medicine. Of course, special breeding is taking place in order to attain the CBD from the plants, so that even an Indica plant may still give anxiety because it will still contain THC.

This gets quite confusing to me and I have not done a very extensive research on this topic; I plan to sometime in the future as I find it fascinating and think there are so many healing secrets of cannabis that could help people immensely  - if not for our ignorant governments.

Bahahahaha!! Just keep running. Just keep running. 

❀ the fking internet ~ a very rambling ramble

Last night i got sucked into a crazy blog that seemed to be fascinating and wonderful - at first. Then i got deeper into the story and read about their poor infant son who was drowned at the hands of the father.

I had just got done crying buckets from reading a couple of very emotional and REAL posts about the aftermath, then somehow  got sucked into a forum thread which discussed the blog, this event, and general observations about the family, that being of the parents mental and emotional states.

I don't want to regurgitate everything because my heart is actually heavy from filling my brain with all that shit. Sensitive people should stay away from this blog (which i don't want to mention).

Suffice it to say that I feel absolutely horrible about what happened to them. And there is no way I will be following that blog on a regular basis, if ever, because I'm fearful that the remaining children may also be in danger.

I simply  cannot expose myself emotionally to things like that. This is also why I can't regularly read or keep up with the news - it's a trigger for me that will send me off the rails. I'm sure many can relate.

Anyway, Im wondering what to do now. Its approaching the middle of the morning and there are things i need to do but have no desire to do them. I honestly feel like eating an entire chocolate cake by myself. I would do it, too. But then I'd probably barf it up.

It's fears like that that keep me at home because, shit, it's safer than going out to the world where I'd probably mindlessly wander in somewhere and buy a fucking cake. This example, while being true to my thought pattern, is probably ridiculous but it is  a "harmless" way of self medicating that many people don't ever think about as being necessarily bad:

It's just ONE MORE WAY to placate the nerves, if even it's only temporary.

My boy kitty capture this little thing and brought him inside to "play". We released him back into the wild after he was recovered. 

We were swarmed by geese who hang out by the river and hoping for some noms. Notice the poop stained car park.