I'm looking forward (in a nervous sort of way) to tomorrow as I will be attending a veg gardening class through a local nursery.

... more on that later...

I'm thinking of changing my url...

To FuckThisShit.

I just ate cookies... for breakfast.

I'm pretty much pissed or low on patience with everything today.

I have a shit ton of laundry to do and I wanted to start crying when I sat down to start it.

I'm procrastinating right now by writing this entry.

FML but only kinda not really but yes.

My one friend sent me a link to a really weird porn video because he thought I'd find it funny. Why? I guess I'm just 'that' kind of girl?

I keep thinking about my dumb exBF. WHY? I don't know WHY! He's infuriating! (perseverating)

My stupid boy kitty is always torturing my poor little girl kitty.

I hate my house condition. I hate my house too. It's dark and has no fucking windows.

I really want a cup of coffee right now. (I'm conditioned or addicted. Are they the same?)

I should go for a walk outside for 20 mins but i can't bring myself to put on a bra. Plus, its really sunny and shit. (The daystar buuuurrrrnnnnsss.)

God im fat. What's more is that i hate food. Yet i eat shit. Addicted to sugar? Carbs? Fat? -Probably. No self control. -Likely. Coping with depression by eating really sucks.

Ok I'm off to make that coffee.

this post under construction

Today, like a lot of days, has been tough. I'm feeling like i don't know how much longer i can take this. I'm feeling like i can't see any end to this. At this point is usually when i stress super hard and panic and either doing something aggressive or just crazytown.

I think i'm just so used to what this feels like that I don't even recognize how bad it's gotten. I can barely take care of myself on the bad days and on the worst days I don't know how I did anything at all. I can't remember feeding the kids or picking them up from school. I can't "wake up" for the life of me. To breathe feels like it takes so much effort. To be conscious feels painful but without the pain (Yeah, figure that one out but I bet other depressives know what I mean.)

I feel sick to my stomach right now.

social networks suck (I'll probably edit this into oblivion eventually)

(warning: irrelevant and barely coherent ranting)

So I didn't totally delete my Twitter but I did unfollow everyone, block/unblock any followers i had, and changed my url. I finally just had enough.

(I've pretty much done this with FB but still haven't brought myself to delete it. Why the hell not??)

One can argue that things like Twitter and FB are made for people to vomit all their thoughts and in-the-moment photos - I couldn't argue with that - but i hate that these so-called networks suck for interacting with people.

Especially when some of them are supposed to be "friends" and they're busy paying attention to their little clique. Like, wtf do you follow me? And why am I favoriting your shit?

It's one thing when you don't have any relationship to the people you follow and who follow you. But when you know the person (or think you do because of past online interactions) this type of thing kinda sucks. I'm too sensitive. And I guess social networks like these are not for me.

I just hate the mentality of "collecting" followers and whoring yourself in hope of getting a follow. I know not everyone uses these social systems in this way but, like i said, i had just had enough.

It's kind of like the time I used to receive "Like My Page" requests for a relative who started a t-shirt business. I was so annoyed that I unfriended this relative. (0.0) The line was drawn for me when they started posting little holiday eCards on my page with their business logo/url and shit. Like, really? Don't keep trying to pressure me into following your shit.

You know who I love on Twitter? Duncan Jones. He's a director (and David Bowie's son) and he frequently talks to his followers. Other people do too and I really enjoy just reading those little interactions. But so many just blahblahblah all over you, call it "life" sharing, and think they're being cutting edge. No, you're just being a narcissist.

What social systems do I like?

I still like blogging although I suppose that's not truly a social network system. People try to use it that way, though, and still "network" for followers and traffic to their own blogs by commenting on every blog they land on.

I still like photo hosting sites but not as much as I once did. I'm not sure what I expect.

Maybe I really just want to be a solitary person even in the virtual.

I like chat rooms. I'm not really experienced in them but there are a couple associated with TV watching that I like to show up at. I've gotten to know a few nice people, although I wouldn't call us "freinds", if you know what I mean.

Maybe I'm bitter. Or jealous. Or just lonely. My depression definitely plays a part in all this. There have been tons of little studies that show how social networking makes people feel like shit. I guess I'm textbook.

Obviously I have issue with social networking as we know it. Now a days everyone is expected to have one and friends and family and co-workers just want to connect all over you, don't they. I think I liked being online before all that shit. I should just stick to my little anon blogging style and picture posting, and use Twitter for single use only (like updates for a blog or posting about 1 single topic). I think it's less stressful and more useful that way if you're not into "micro"blogging - which I guess I'm not.

much pensive, so concentrate

who am I? what am i? and wtf am i doing with my life?

oh here we go again. Yes, I am currently asking myself these questions (i normally do).

Maybe I should ask Who am I not? 

• I'm not socially adept, even in the cyber world. (lol, i said cyber. So 1990s.) What that means is I'm still obsessing over existing online and trying to maintain and acquire meaningful relationships therein. But it's not me. I enjoy "life sharing" but in my own way - not the way certain people might expect me to. {{Likewise, I don't want to be exposed to your version of "life sharing", which is completely one sided and used to gather minions like the "queen" you think you are. You're not fucking important. I don't want that for myself. }}
• I'm not happy doing what everyone else does. But i keep trying. WHY? (Stop it already! Just. Stop.)  
• I finally have come to terms (admitted) with the fact that i fucked up my life by not pursing a certain career path. (Never listen to parents or anyone who tries to discourage you from pursuing something you love. Even if you fail, it will always be something that needs to be experienced for yourself. And never be influenced or pressured to pursue something in order to be successful in someone else's eyes. Fuck'em. They are not you.)
• I am not cool. I may be drawn to the "nerd" community but I'll never see myself as cool. At most, I'm just a dork. I'm lame. I'm boring with nerd tendencies. 

I don't know what this little bullet list here proves or elucidates. I probably sound like a raving bitch. lol.

At my age you'd think I'd have already got it figured out - who I am and who I am not. The truth is i think i just forget. I get confused and think i want to be someone (something) else. Or I get distracted and then remember what I'm really about in my heart. It's like learning to distinguish when you've really fallen in love versus fallen in lust. Those feelings can seem like the same thing when you're young. 

I think I've always been a late bloomer. So I guess it's no true shock to me that at this time in my life I'm still learning about myself. 

♡ just checking in

http://imgur.com/account/favorites/9QWBpCV

From time to time i kind of go crazy and fight the urge to delete all my online spaces and places. I've unfriended nearly everyone on Facebook, save for 6 people. I've turned my Twitter stream from private to public more times than i can't remember - in fairness it was because my (very long time ago) ex-bf was lurking my feed and linking to my blog. I just get all... *shudder* Stupid of me.

It's like a strange cycle of I Have Nothing To Offer Anyone So Why Am I Putting Myself Online Like This to I'm Lonely And Want To Connect With People. There are a few people I have connected with online but, in the end, some of them turn out to be real attention whores who are all about broadcasting and rarely about interacting. So after a few attempts to engage them I just give up. Plus, being online in some ways is like having too much view of the world out there. You know what? Sometimes it's scary shit and all I want to do is sit inside my hobbit hole to hide from the scary monsters.

I'm also feeling down since one of our cameras was stolen. (My first dslr camera with a really nice lens on it.) Husband had left it in the car for over a week, and apparently one night the doors were left unlocked to the joy of some thief who's been regularly riffling through cars in the neighborhood. They've already taken some things from our garage. (We're idiots.)

At first I felt somewhat indifferent - I think i was just trying to put on a brave face about the whole thing, reciting sayings like, "It's just a THING," etc. My husband and I had a bit of discussion about minimalism/minimizing again, to which he is on board, but neither of us really know how to go about achieving it. We recognize we have too much crap, are too distracted by too many hobbies and toys, not to mention we don't even have space to put all the stuff we already have in the house. Our garage is overflowing with shit, otherwise the car would have been in it and the camera would never been stolen. It hurts to know that our own mismanagement are truly to blame, as much as the thieving jerk who took our stuff - that's how I feel anyway.
♡