much pensive, so concentrate

who am I? what am i? and wtf am i doing with my life?

oh here we go again. Yes, I am currently asking myself these questions (i normally do).

Maybe I should ask Who am I not? 

• I'm not socially adept, even in the cyber world. (lol, i said cyber. So 1990s.) What that means is I'm still obsessing over existing online and trying to maintain and acquire meaningful relationships therein. But it's not me. I enjoy "life sharing" but in my own way - not the way certain people might expect me to. {{Likewise, I don't want to be exposed to your version of "life sharing", which is completely one sided and used to gather minions like the "queen" you think you are. You're not fucking important. I don't want that for myself. }}
• I'm not happy doing what everyone else does. But i keep trying. WHY? (Stop it already! Just. Stop.)  
• I finally have come to terms (admitted) with the fact that i fucked up my life by not pursing a certain career path. (Never listen to parents or anyone who tries to discourage you from pursuing something you love. Even if you fail, it will always be something that needs to be experienced for yourself. And never be influenced or pressured to pursue something in order to be successful in someone else's eyes. Fuck'em. They are not you.)
• I am not cool. I may be drawn to the "nerd" community but I'll never see myself as cool. At most, I'm just a dork. I'm lame. I'm boring with nerd tendencies. 

I don't know what this little bullet list here proves or elucidates. I probably sound like a raving bitch. lol.

At my age you'd think I'd have already got it figured out - who I am and who I am not. The truth is i think i just forget. I get confused and think i want to be someone (something) else. Or I get distracted and then remember what I'm really about in my heart. It's like learning to distinguish when you've really fallen in love versus fallen in lust. Those feelings can seem like the same thing when you're young. 

I think I've always been a late bloomer. So I guess it's no true shock to me that at this time in my life I'm still learning about myself.