current anxiety - sorry, forgot the cutie pics but just needed to write =(

I had been a tiny bit anxious at varying points in the day, but nothing that was going to send me over the edge or be too much to handle. I made it a point to make my coffee weak today and I think the diminished amount of caffeine helped.

It's also been vacation for the kids and hubby. It has taken about a week for everyone to really chill out. I notice it in my husband. The kids have finally started to sleep in... just in time to go back to early morning wake-up calls. Ugh, so not fun for anybody.

The real anxiety started to come on when I looked at the clock; 9:38 it said. I realized I still had to go to market for milk for cereal. And we have no plans for tomorrow, Easter, so I was trying to decide whether or not to get special foods.

When I'm faced with a decision that I'm just not sure what direction I want to go in, it creates anxiety for me. When I can't decide on something, I panic. When I have to leave the house and I'm really uncomfortable about it, I panic. Grocery shopping has more to do with being around people... in a building... in hideous light... I mean, the whole experience is just depressing anyway.

Not that I can get my ass to a farmers market these days, but the grocery store is just boxes of processed junk. Sometimes having to decide between crap food and shit food creates a level of dread that just ads to the uneasy feelings of having to food shop. Not to mention the fact that my kids are terribly picky and often refuse what I put in front of them, requesting cereal instead. I don't know about some parents but I really really hate that. My Autie is terribly resistant to being told no and WILL NOT give up. Just to keep peace in the house I have to give in... and my bullheadedness is only because i care because he's skinny as a hobo. Ooo, do you see this snowball I started.

(By the way, in case you don't know about autism, it's not just temper tantrums... but anxiety and panic that manifest as temper tantrums and meltdowns. It's more of an inability to cope with stress and be overly sensitive to stimulus of the senses. Gee, wonder who's genes are all fucked up? *raises hand* Actually, hubby can point out a lot of cross-over as well. Our kids were doomed from the start.)

So panic was setting in.

At this point I was unable to relax and for some reason thought looking on the interwebs would be a good thing. I started stumbling through some of the news. Not even actual articles, but discussion about the news. Horrible shit, like usual. Anyway, that was that. That triggered me.

I started to rock back and forth and become very irritated by the noise of the kids playing in the other room. The husband switched his attention to me, as he usually does in these tense times for me. He began to rub my back and laid my head on his knee, trying to just let the anxiety pass and enjoy the massage.

Then I started to cry. Not huge sobs, just tearing leaky eyes. Hubby asked if he was helping my anxiety at all and I realized that the massage - a warm caring touch - did indeed help to sooth my nerves. I think the crying was proof of that, sort of like a switching of gears or a release of that energy. Not to be funny, but I think I might try to allow that anxiety come out as crying next time I'm alone and unable to manage it. I don't know how I'd accomplish this...

where I am currently...

Where I am currently - like literally at this moment - is hiding out in a dark bathroom.

How fucked is it that something as seemingly innocuous as my husband posting a random family picture of me and the kids would trigger me into an imbalance. 

I was annoyed at first and told the husband I didn't appreciate him uploading it without asking. 

He then asked, "Really? Is this where we are now that we have to ask permission?" 

My reply was, "Yes. In this phase of life (where I  hate myself), yes." 

He said "ok" and that he understood,  and that should have been the end of it for me. But I snowballed. 

After our "chat", I just figured I'd like to crawl under the covers,  as though it was a warm hug. But that didn't help me calm down. 

So then I got up and walked up and down the street to get that restless/angry energy out, but then that didn't work. 

So I came back inside to my husband playing video games - which only added to my frustration even though I knew it was on his agenda, and I just walked off, again, to hide out in my room. This time the dark bathroom. 

Why is the bathroom such a place of refuge? I cry here, sulk here, have contemplated killing myself in here (a bathroom). It's almost ... cozy. 

Nothing was helping. I had to tell him what this meant even if I wasn't completely sure how to explain it. This was a trigger for me. It made me want to cry, punch a wall, and just be pissed off in an unreasonable way.

I barely finished my sentence when he told me that he did in fact deleted the photo when he realized I was really disturbed by it. I finished by telling him that I'd never be in another picture again, lol. It seems so idiotic a thing to get worked up over. 

Why did this happen?

I don't really know how to organize my thoughts here. Obviously I hate the way I look. I hate most everything about me. I hate HOW and WHY I look the way I do. I suppose that is just the starting point of my reasons for why the picture upload bothered me. I mean, I don't even like to leave my house because I don't want people to look at me. YTF would I be ok with someone uploading a picture of me and without my permission, or at least warn me first?

I feel guilty for feeling like I sometimes hate being a SAHM, and I hate that I deal  with this fucking depression and everything that goes along with it. 

I hate that my life sometimes feels like it has no meaning, that I'm not doing anything productive or meaningful.

I hate that I'm not fully in control of living the way I want (or feel I need) to, and I hate that I'm unhealthy and a hideous wreck of a female, when once I was hot, healthy,  and able to keep my depression in better check.  

So everything is interconnected in this web of hatred and disdain. And it all came out in a stupid photo post. 

By the way - the husband was very sweet and understanding about the whole thing. He might have not understood what was going on initially, but he was quick to respond and comfort me that "It was all alright." The shit that poor man has to put up with. Im a lucky girl. 

By the way, by the way - writing this out helped me calm myself in real time. So thanks if you actually read through this. 

like a rollercoaster

Last night hubby and I were cuddling and catching up on episodes of Psych. That show makes us laugh so much and I was completely giddy.

When we were done things became like night and day; literally I was laughing and jovial one minute, and the next I was in tears and pretty much out of control.

It felt awful. I was sad. I was despondent. I was a mess.

My husband just held me, kissed me, and did his best to comfort me in his gentle way. I started to miss him, and he was lying next to me. I started to panic about the next workday's possible separation anxiety, which in turn gave me anxiety right then and there.

I don't really know what triggered all of this. It didn't seem like there were any because it came on so hard and fast.

Earlier in the afternoon I was looking through pictures of the kids and getting a little bit misty eyed thinking about how much they've grown and how those times are gone. I get not only nostalgic but often quite sorrowful. Sometimes even regretful for the way things have been - for how I have been.

Perhaps all this negative emotion had lingered and was augmented by the unusually high spirits I was in while watching tv and cuddling with my spouse.

I don't know if that was mania. Manic? I've read about the various depressions, including bipolar since my father deals with it. He was also very prone to delusions, as well as the fit of angry outbursts towards people, sometimes for imagined reasons.

It is safe to say that I'm terribly worried about falling into psychotic episodes. I sometimes find that I lose touch with reality for tiny bits of time, and have to shake myself back into reality, oftentimes asking myself "Is this real?" These are almost split second experiences so I don't think it's as bad as it seems. I don't know though. It's just one more worry for me to fixate and perseverate on.

Earlier that day we had a pretty fun outing with the kids. Nothing huge - just a trip to the shops and then out for a late lunch. I did have to medicate with my MM to take some of my anxiety edge off and it did help. I was a little bit touchy when we lingered in the shop too long, but I definitely felt more at ease and ... silly; more willing to have a  bit of fun and not stress over the kids.

This does happen to me but it hasn't been for quite a long time. The extreme swings from jovial to sadness don't happen that often. The experience is usually something I'm able to control a bit more. I guess I shouldn't be surprised but hopefully this isn't indication that my swings are betting worse.


Let's all just dance...