like a rollercoaster

Last night hubby and I were cuddling and catching up on episodes of Psych. That show makes us laugh so much and I was completely giddy.

When we were done things became like night and day; literally I was laughing and jovial one minute, and the next I was in tears and pretty much out of control.

It felt awful. I was sad. I was despondent. I was a mess.

My husband just held me, kissed me, and did his best to comfort me in his gentle way. I started to miss him, and he was lying next to me. I started to panic about the next workday's possible separation anxiety, which in turn gave me anxiety right then and there.

I don't really know what triggered all of this. It didn't seem like there were any because it came on so hard and fast.

Earlier in the afternoon I was looking through pictures of the kids and getting a little bit misty eyed thinking about how much they've grown and how those times are gone. I get not only nostalgic but often quite sorrowful. Sometimes even regretful for the way things have been - for how I have been.

Perhaps all this negative emotion had lingered and was augmented by the unusually high spirits I was in while watching tv and cuddling with my spouse.

I don't know if that was mania. Manic? I've read about the various depressions, including bipolar since my father deals with it. He was also very prone to delusions, as well as the fit of angry outbursts towards people, sometimes for imagined reasons.

It is safe to say that I'm terribly worried about falling into psychotic episodes. I sometimes find that I lose touch with reality for tiny bits of time, and have to shake myself back into reality, oftentimes asking myself "Is this real?" These are almost split second experiences so I don't think it's as bad as it seems. I don't know though. It's just one more worry for me to fixate and perseverate on.

Earlier that day we had a pretty fun outing with the kids. Nothing huge - just a trip to the shops and then out for a late lunch. I did have to medicate with my MM to take some of my anxiety edge off and it did help. I was a little bit touchy when we lingered in the shop too long, but I definitely felt more at ease and ... silly; more willing to have a  bit of fun and not stress over the kids.

This does happen to me but it hasn't been for quite a long time. The extreme swings from jovial to sadness don't happen that often. The experience is usually something I'm able to control a bit more. I guess I shouldn't be surprised but hopefully this isn't indication that my swings are betting worse.


Let's all just dance...