I had been a tiny bit anxious at varying points in the day, but nothing that was going to send me over the edge or be too much to handle. I made it a point to make my coffee weak today and I think the diminished amount of caffeine helped.
It's also been vacation for the kids and hubby. It has taken about a week for everyone to really chill out. I notice it in my husband. The kids have finally started to sleep in... just in time to go back to early morning wake-up calls. Ugh, so not fun for anybody.
The real anxiety started to come on when I looked at the clock; 9:38 it said. I realized I still had to go to market for milk for cereal. And we have no plans for tomorrow, Easter, so I was trying to decide whether or not to get special foods.
When I'm faced with a decision that I'm just not sure what direction I want to go in, it creates anxiety for me. When I can't decide on something, I panic. When I have to leave the house and I'm really uncomfortable about it, I panic. Grocery shopping has more to do with being around people... in a building... in hideous light... I mean, the whole experience is just depressing anyway.
Not that I can get my ass to a farmers market these days, but the grocery store is just boxes of processed junk. Sometimes having to decide between crap food and shit food creates a level of dread that just ads to the uneasy feelings of having to food shop. Not to mention the fact that my kids are terribly picky and often refuse what I put in front of them, requesting cereal instead. I don't know about some parents but I really really hate that. My Autie is terribly resistant to being told no and WILL NOT give up. Just to keep peace in the house I have to give in... and my bullheadedness is only because i care because he's skinny as a hobo. Ooo, do you see this snowball I started.
(By the way, in case you don't know about autism, it's not just temper tantrums... but anxiety and panic that manifest as temper tantrums and meltdowns. It's more of an inability to cope with stress and be overly sensitive to stimulus of the senses. Gee, wonder who's genes are all fucked up? *raises hand* Actually, hubby can point out a lot of cross-over as well. Our kids were doomed from the start.)
So panic was setting in.
At this point I was unable to relax and for some reason thought looking on the interwebs would be a good thing. I started stumbling through some of the news. Not even actual articles, but discussion about the news. Horrible shit, like usual. Anyway, that was that. That triggered me.
I started to rock back and forth and become very irritated by the noise of the kids playing in the other room. The husband switched his attention to me, as he usually does in these tense times for me. He began to rub my back and laid my head on his knee, trying to just let the anxiety pass and enjoy the massage.
Then I started to cry. Not huge sobs, just tearing leaky eyes. Hubby asked if he was helping my anxiety at all and I realized that the massage - a warm caring touch - did indeed help to sooth my nerves. I think the crying was proof of that, sort of like a switching of gears or a release of that energy. Not to be funny, but I think I might try to allow that anxiety come out as crying next time I'm alone and unable to manage it. I don't know how I'd accomplish this...
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