How fucked is it that something as seemingly innocuous as my husband posting a random family picture of me and the kids would trigger me into an imbalance.
I was annoyed at first and told the husband I didn't appreciate him uploading it without asking.
He then asked, "Really? Is this where we are now that we have to ask permission?"
My reply was, "Yes. In this phase of life (where I hate myself), yes."
He said "ok" and that he understood, and that should have been the end of it for me. But I snowballed.
After our "chat", I just figured I'd like to crawl under the covers, as though it was a warm hug. But that didn't help me calm down.
So then I got up and walked up and down the street to get that restless/angry energy out, but then that didn't work.
So I came back inside to my husband playing video games - which only added to my frustration even though I knew it was on his agenda, and I just walked off, again, to hide out in my room. This time the dark bathroom.
Why is the bathroom such a place of refuge? I cry here, sulk here, have contemplated killing myself in here (a bathroom). It's almost ... cozy.
Nothing was helping. I had to tell him what this meant even if I wasn't completely sure how to explain it. This was a trigger for me. It made me want to cry, punch a wall, and just be pissed off in an unreasonable way.
I barely finished my sentence when he told me that he did in fact deleted the photo when he realized I was really disturbed by it. I finished by telling him that I'd never be in another picture again, lol. It seems so idiotic a thing to get worked up over.
I barely finished my sentence when he told me that he did in fact deleted the photo when he realized I was really disturbed by it. I finished by telling him that I'd never be in another picture again, lol. It seems so idiotic a thing to get worked up over.
Why did this happen?
I don't really know how to organize my thoughts here. Obviously I hate the way I look. I hate most everything about me. I hate HOW and WHY I look the way I do. I suppose that is just the starting point of my reasons for why the picture upload bothered me. I mean, I don't even like to leave my house because I don't want people to look at me. YTF would I be ok with someone uploading a picture of me and without my permission, or at least warn me first?
I feel guilty for feeling like I sometimes hate being a SAHM, and I hate that I deal with this fucking depression and everything that goes along with it.
I hate that my life sometimes feels like it has no meaning, that I'm not doing anything productive or meaningful.
I hate that I'm not fully in control of living the way I want (or feel I need) to, and I hate that I'm unhealthy and a hideous wreck of a female, when once I was hot, healthy, and able to keep my depression in better check.
So everything is interconnected in this web of hatred and disdain. And it all came out in a stupid photo post.
By the way - the husband was very sweet and understanding about the whole thing. He might have not understood what was going on initially, but he was quick to respond and comfort me that "It was all alright." The shit that poor man has to put up with. Im a lucky girl.
By the way, by the way - writing this out helped me calm myself in real time. So thanks if you actually read through this.
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