I've been having trouble with scheduling "school" for my eldest. We homeschool since he was having trouble in public school and no one was even trying to assist him. Our efforts with a public charter school homeschool program didn't fair too well either. It was, quite simply, a disaster and caused numerous fights and tears. So now we "unschool" or whatever you want to call it.

I like having him learn things according to some type of schedule because... well he's autistic, and often can't even decide what to order at Taco Bell without great distress, let alone be expected to organically explore the world and engage in learning on his own. (This sounds harsh but it's the truth right now.) His view of interest is incredibly small, and cannot be expanded without parental help. But this had been difficult. My depression and personal stresses have really interfered here, not to mention he still gives me trouble when I ask that we "do some work".

I have a lot to learn. I honestly don't know if I'm up for it. But we're already in it, so there's that....

I was feeling incredibly tired and had to go to the doctor to ask for some bloodwork to be done. The results came back and they only indicated a vitamin D deficiency. ... WTF ... I swear I thought I was dying! I couldn't even stand up steady in the examining room. My brain is always chuggy and foggy. (I know my writing on this blog sucks) I can't ever think straight or concentrate. I often check out books from the library and never finish them because i can't focus. I'm overweight and whenever I try to get some exercise (usually just a low intensity) my body feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. I grew up an athlete and maintained that pattern into my 20s. But this is horrible that i can't even ease into it because of all these bullcrap issues. I don't know what Im going to do.

So they checked thyroid, iron, some other things. There's NO WAY that I only have a vitamin D deficiency! *sigh* So I'll have to address that and hope for some improvement.

Life sucks. But Im really tired and with no energy for anything, so I think everything sucks. It's not really an accurate view of life at the moment - on an intellectual level at least I kind of understand that.

amnesia

No, not amnesia. I meant insomnia.

Im so friken tired.

messed up skin

I have loads of things to vent about apparently...

I've worked hard to clear up my acne. I still struggle with it but it has significantly improved from deep, cystic, painful, red, feverish rashes, to the once-a-month breakout here and there. I don't think I'll ever really be free from acne, and the scars are pretty much here to stay.

I feel ugly. Like, really ugly. There have been random times when people have actually complimented me - complete strangers! - and told me that I had nice skin, or I was beautiful, or they liked my hair. I always smile and say thank you, and then I think: They don't know what they're talking about. On a very very very rare occasion, I might agree that my skin did look pretty healthy and nice that day.

My makeup routine has gotten a lot simpler too. I've never been very into makeup because I didn't know anything about it. I've used it from time to time, but had no idea what I was doing, and really just wanted to cover whatever acne I was having and scarring. Since then, I've had an on and off again relationship with things like foundation, and since the Youtube trend of beauty gurus I've been able to learn a lot about how makeup is supposed to work.

For a while, I was down to just using a powder, some mild blush, tinted chap stick, eyelash curlers, and a little eyeshadow for fun. My oily skin glowed in a healthy and youthful way. But now my skin is going through a metamorphosis (I believe with the weather change) and it's looking dreadful, leaving me with anxiety thinking about having to leave the house. (Peeling, melasma, blotchy, ruddiness, acne, more scars!) Will this anxiety never end?

I feel ugly. I look in the mirror and what looks back at me is ugly.

Anyway, enough complaining about such stupid matters. We're all imperfect I guess. I could look worse. My outer shell bothers me and I can't change that right now. But what truly matters - what really really truly matters - is not having an ugly heart. That's probably the hardest thing to change in a person. I am pondering on that right now.