I feel ugly. Like, really ugly. There have been random times when people have actually complimented me - complete strangers! - and told me that I had nice skin, or I was beautiful, or they liked my hair. I always smile and say thank you, and then I think: They don't know what they're talking about. On a very very very rare occasion, I might agree that my skin did look pretty healthy and nice that day.
My makeup routine has gotten a lot simpler too. I've never been very into makeup because I didn't know anything about it. I've used it from time to time, but had no idea what I was doing, and really just wanted to cover whatever acne I was having and scarring. Since then, I've had an on and off again relationship with things like foundation, and since the Youtube trend of beauty gurus I've been able to learn a lot about how makeup is supposed to work.
For a while, I was down to just using a powder, some mild blush, tinted chap stick, eyelash curlers, and a little eyeshadow for fun. My oily skin glowed in a healthy and youthful way. But now my skin is going through a metamorphosis (I believe with the weather change) and it's looking dreadful, leaving me with anxiety thinking about having to leave the house. (Peeling, melasma, blotchy, ruddiness, acne, more scars!) Will this anxiety never end?
I feel ugly. I look in the mirror and what looks back at me is ugly.
Anyway, enough complaining about such stupid matters. We're all imperfect I guess. I could look worse. My outer shell bothers me and I can't change that right now. But what truly matters - what really really truly matters - is not having an ugly heart. That's probably the hardest thing to change in a person. I am pondering on that right now.
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