# silence and replacing bad habits

I've been addicted to having the television on this last year. Perhaps a bit longer than that. I fee like it's been a lot worse this past year, though. Prior to always having the tv (streaming television or movies) on, I used to hang out online with a group of Stargate fans. I miss them, but the tv was just on in the background all the time, and I felt somewhat bound to the computer (tv) so I could chat with everyone. I think it was just another way of distracting myself, stopping my brain, and escaping.

These days (and I think especially this last year) I will still have something streaming on the computer for some background noise, and to distract my brain from obsessively thinking about nothing and everything. Does that make sense? Usually what will then happen is I will end up taking "breaks" for hours to recover from whatever stress Im experiencing. I end up basically  just vegging out while watching the same shows over and over again. So here I am, yet again, trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this habit, and replace it with a better more productive one.

It seems a huge chunk of my life has been about replacing habits. For a long time it was World of Warcraft, then it was daily trips to the coffee house which would have been positive except I felt I was wasting  gas driving aimlessly around afterward, and would then feel guilty about that. Not to mention the waste of money in unhealthy coffees when I could be making it at home. I suppose Im just really good at taking something positive and turning it into something negative.

This is what happens when I want to avoid... whatever it is I want to avoid. I think I've just always been miserable while staying at home, that I've developed my own coping mechanism that unfortunately aren't the best practices. There's also too much time to realize shit when you're a stay-at-home parent, which can be depressing and cause anxiety. But i don't necessarily want to delve into that aspect of my avoidance issues right now in this post. My therapist says this is still the Flight part of an overactive Fight-or-flight, even without the physical overdrive of the body, that is typically some form of anxiety.

If I could scrap things here at home I'd get rid of all the computers and the tv. We don't really watch new shows, or keep up with what's currently popular, and everything is pretty regulated.  But there's just never any silence. And those forms of technology are just constant temptations that are too easy to give into. That is my problem - I give in too easily. The kids, also, are always asking me when they can watch such-and-such, look up so-and-so dude with Minecraft tutorials on youtube, and making deals so they can play video games. I find that even when I give them a schedule - to which they will gladly and beautifully stick to -  I quickly realize what a crutch that is for them. If the schedule can't be stuck to - you know, because life happens or whatever - they have a hard time dealing with that and get upset. In fact, I've had my eldest refuse to go somewhere fun because it was going to cut into his computer time. This is just not ok with me, drives me crazy, makes me feel like shit, and stresses me out big time. Especially as they deal with autism and therefore can also have "obsessional" issues. So... I'd rather not have tech in my house. But I'm stuck with it because my husband is the tech-head here, always has been. I don't blame him, and I can't blame him because if I had the strength and cojones I could easily resist all this b.s. I'm also not trying to blame my kids for any of this. I blame myself. But that doesn't mean that I should have to subject myself to an environment in which I'm most likely to fail in. After all, what wife/husband would think to leave a bunch alcohol in their home when their spouse is an alcoholic?That's just asking for trouble.

# want to scream

Im just sitting here thinking over and over again about my living space.
My brain will not stop.
I don't obsessively clean or move furniture around (although i do move furniture around a lot), but I "think and think" about how to rearrange this living space all the time.
So much so that I just sit, look around, and get lost in thought. Lose the time. Get anxious to even move.
And i fucking hate it.
And Im ready to tell my therapist to give me more or GTFO. Like, a lot more.
If she doesn't want to do CBT with me then fuckit. This talking bullshit isn't doing anything.
I have whole fucking days of sitting in my bedroom with constant - CONSTANT - like, literal nonstop fucking anxiety. Unable to even come out into the kitchen to make food for the kids. And my brain doesn't stop!
Imaginary conversations rule my thoughts - what am i going to say to so-and-so, or what was said to so-and-so, how would I say something to so-and-so in such-and-such a situation...
So this talking it out therapy is bull - fucking - shit! Thats why I keep a blog.
ugh, this isn't even half the shit thats on my mind today.
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Please forgive me. This blog is my outlet so I don't explode at the people nearest to me - my family.
For crap sake, if anyone out there can relate please say something, comment, anything. Im shit at reaching out. And I don't think there's a big blogger community anymore. Perhaps I might find a general forum for my troubles. I don't know. And twitter sucks.