#tween

#tween



OMG its not fair. Its completely wrong that my eldest who is 12, and taller than me - heck he's taller than most men already! - is going through those weird changes. The hair in awkward places, the beginnings of acne, the body that looks like a 16 year old at theleast! Its not fair. Tonight i had to take him out hunting for shoes and he's already in a size 13... the same size as his father. Shit. If I'd known it would be like this getting together with a freakin' giant (dad is 6'4").

#9 lives of cats

So at the moment Im actually feeling quite sad. Husband left today for a week and Im having a hard time, crying off and on, simply because he's not here. Yeah. Good times. I've basically been in my cave all day with no and little desire to come out. I fed the kids once. That was good, I guess. They rummaged the rest.

I don't know how I get this way. I could easily just say, "Yes, it sucks my husband is gone, and i will miss him, but Im happy because {insert reason}." Then I could move on with my life and not let it all get me down. But my brain doesn't work that way. It doesn't help that Im on my period, and the world is in turmoil. Ive been more than a little preoccupied with the news lately. OMG the world has lost its mind.

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We have 9 cats now: 4 adults, 5 kittens. We were able to find a home for only 1 of the kittens so far, and I have no idea what will happen to the rest, although we are already very attached to them. Ideas for how to cat-proof the backyard fence have been floating around, as I don't want all these kitties to live strictly in the house. Who doesn't need sunshine?

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On the topic of sunshine:
I really hate this heat. I sometimes feel that I would probably feel better if I just stepped outside in the summer warmth and sunlight for a few minutes, but my mind fights against this. I am a stimophobe. This isn't even a real word, but basically what I mean to say is that anything that will overstimulate me is something I don't want to have anything to do with if I can help it. The summer heat SUCKS here. I never feel acclimated to it, and the last couple of years I think I've just given up. I also hate the artificiality of air conditioning, but I've given up trying to do anything else but sit inside. Its like the winter blues but in summer. Plus, I can't open the front door anymore because we have no screen door, and since Im a lazy ass wuss I have to rely on Husband to help me. Of course, he's never in a hurry to get anything done. So basically nothing gets accomplished. Surprise surprise.

I also get anxious thinking about solicitors and Jehovas Witnesses coming to the door, which they do often. It makes me anxious in a way that makes me angry. Its a control thing. One does NOT just come up to my door without notice, and one does not just come up to my door... for anything. Im not a person who wants to look at, or be seen, by anybody. This is another big reason I sometimes can't leave the house. I can't explain this.

Most summers i don't mind using the swamp cooler instead of the air conditioner. I prefer that it doesn't produce artificially cold air, and make me sick, and dry out my sinuses. But it broke. And as I mentioned, I've kind of given up trying to deal with this heat.

On a positive note, and one that does make me happy with, I've taken the boys to the lake a few times this summer. I would like to take them every day, or every other day, but I take them when I can. Usually at the end of the day when the heat is not as severe, and there are less people at the spot we go to. We only stay for around an hour, but I does wonders for me somehow. And the boys enjoy that end-of-the-day exercise and fun. So I try to take them often.

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Hubs and i try to go for evening walks or bike rides after dinner. That also is great for our mood, although because he's always home so late, there's usually a pressure to end the day abruptly so he can get ready for the next work day. It makes me feel so guilty that he works and I don't. It makes me so angry that his job requires so much of him... or that he gives so much of himself to it... He's always been a workaholic and this was something we talked about before we even got married. I don't know what I can do about it now, though.

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Ive been reading through Dr. John Macdougall's Starch Solution and trying really hard to un-bork our eating styles. I used to be a vegetarian, and even been through a serious fasting regimen to purge myself of cravings for foods that were literally making me sick. I ate great for a long time, and had really good blood stats. I can't blame my husband for me falling off the wagon... I didn't fight him on a lot of things. Basically  I know I can't take pressure, and succumb easily to whatever pressure is on me. Now Im paying the price. I feel terrible and not just from being depressed and miserable. But my energy is crap, I can't think, I can't concentrate, I can't even see properly. Im killing myself and I need to change... But short of shipping myself off somewhere in quiet and solitude, I can't see myself ever really getting better. I will keep trying, of course. But im scared.