There's lots going on at the moment. Lent has started, and some crazy unstable emotional challenges have taken over me. Ive had to seek out yet another therapist, although i do believe this guy is a proper experienced psychologist. And there's some other things I dont really have the time or energy to address. Nor do i have the emotional stability to get into it in my head. Instead, what I did want to write about super-quick is: I think Im getting really close now to being able to move into my van.
Ok. Backstory:
There was one particular summer when we set up a tent in the backyard, and just camped out every few days. It was awesome - especially when it rained - but it was uncomfortably hot in the mornings due to direct sunshine and hot, norcal valley temperatures. I've also been in love with the Tumbleweed/tiny house movement, cob house community, vandweller groups, gypsy travelers, minimalism, etc etc etc, for a number of years now. Suffice to say that Ive only been dreaming thus far. As much as i want aspects of those things, I can't seem to make anything come about to fruition. And its been FRUSTRATING.
So for various reasons I've been really bummed about the above frustration because my mental health requires drastic changes that each of these movements/lifestyles requires. I don't think I would necessarily want to be gypsy-living for a very long time, but mostly Im attracted to the ability to up-and-go because of my tendency toward impulsivity, and "running away". Im also attracted to the minimalism one must live out while vandwelling because my broken brain is constantly distracted/ overwhelmed/ sidetracked/ fogged up/ etc etc etc by all the physical crap surrounding the house, and various other unnecessary, yet thrust upon me, responsibilities.
I've been really fighting with this idea that I can "move out" and vagabond with the kids in the van. I know they would be miserable unless we had a proper RV with beds and places to hang out inside when they get tired. (Our long road trips and occasional overnight sleeps in the van have shown this to me.) My dream would be simply this: a perpetual camp-out here and there around the forests and beaches and occasional parking lots. My goal is to eliminate distractions, to not obstruct God from my life, and to ultimately bring peacefulness in my mind, body, spirit. Realistically, at this time, Im not sure that all that can be done in a life on the road with 3 kids.
That said~
I know Im a nutter. But that does't mean Im wrong in my goals or needs. I just think different. Perhaps I think better. There is nothing "natural" about the way we live already. The only thing I would regret as far as van living is that I would still be very much dependent on city life for groceries and supplies - a point which disturbs me greatly as my soul longs for a more peaceful existence on a little bit of land in the wild, with a garden, a tiny dwelling, silence all around, stillness, simplicity, hesychasm, and no need to come down to "the world", except maybe for specific or very necessary occasions.
So Im still in a paradox of desire. Actually, Im forced into it for the time being, because I have no money of my own, we are still in school load debt, and other crap I don't want to talk about. So Im doing the next best thing, I guess.
Well my plan is to clear out my car, set up a bed, and basically move in as much as possible without being overwhelmed. Im not exactly sure how its going to work out. Im not sure how bad it will be to use the van with all my crap in there. Im not sure I want to use the van with all the kids, because my crap is in there. The whole point is to make it my safe space, and not for it to remain in it's current BabyBus occupation. I don't know what im trying to say. Maybe I expect too much. I was imagining that I could leave the house at night time after putting kids and hubs to bed, like Blessed Xenia leaving the city to head for the fields to pray during the night. Then I'd return in the morning to take care of the kids. I dont know, I dont know, I don't know. This plan has flaws, and sounds exhausting. I don't know anything. I just know that i have to do something.
