I took all three kids to swim yesterday at our favorite creek. It's very public and a lot of families hang out in the summertime. I wasn't planning on staying long, and said so to the kids (although only the oldest would be able to understand), plus my full Autie was started to wander away and not do anything I asked him to... he doesn't understand. So finally it was time to leave and my full Autie went nuclear meltdown. If you've never seen one, it looks like something out of a movie, or tv show, and that would normally take place in an insane asylum where the orderlies are wrestling a patient so they can tranquilize him... I don't make this up, this is seriously what my kid's meltdowns look like - only there's no tranquilizer.
People stared. I'm sure they were wondering what the fuck was wrong with my kid, then maybe me... who knows what they were thinking. Even in the car as I was wrestling with him to put him in the car seat, people were passing by and stopping. Like, WHAT THE FUCK do you want!? Maybe they thought I was beating him, I don't know. But it still pisses me off.
I think the whole ordeal lasted about 40 min. I was just emotionally exhausted. I called Husband to tell him we were heading home and just started crying.
I think what gets me so worked up is the thought that my kids are not "normal", to the point where they could easily be taken advantage of or injured; my full Autie will just run away because he thinks it's funny, not realizing someone could scoop him up and run off with him, or worse, he could obliviously run into traffic. And it's not like we don't tell and him and explain to him... he just doesn't have the language to understand, I guess.
Today:
I think all of that just carried over. At this very moment I am locked in my room, while the other kids are watching TV/napping/playing. For a while my Autie was slamming his body against the door, trying to break it down.
I couldn't take it anymore... the way he fights with me, the inability we both have to understand each other and the tantrums because of it, the lashing out physically... it makes me want to fucking scream at him that I'm not his enemy... but instead I get pissed, I get tired, I get at my wits end, I give up... and I yell and push him away from me, quite literally. Now I'm writing it out. I hope it helps.
