5/21/15
# making the call
I've located a little mental health clinic where i will be making an appointment to see someone concerning my issues. I don't know what to expect but I'm trying to not be cynical.
My top points of interest will be depression (duh!), anxiety, and invasive thoughts. I was reading more about invasive thoughts and I understand that this is a type of OCD which can be brought on by a number of things. I've always been a little obsessive in thought, but I really see the increase since the anxiety has kicked in post kids.
This all affect me physically as well. Im constantly having dizzy spells which seem to coincide with depressive episodes where Im just knackered, lethargic, and wallowing in my own self pity.
This also goes along with my addictive behavior/personality. Although Im not addicted to drugs - they just freaked me out too much and I hated even being high or drunk - I do get set in my ways in other things. I am addicted to caffeine, sugar, junk food, TV distractions. I'm pretty sure Im even addicted to my depression.
I know I stress eat and this can usually means putting anything into your mouth that is available, however there is a strong desire for something sweet, like chocolate, because its very satisfying and makes you "happy". Of course you have to deal with the i-fee-like-a-fat-cow-after-eating-that-entire-cake effect too, so there's that.
Attached to this morning routine is my morning Starbucks: Sugar, caffeine, comfort. It is completely psychological. And the two activities are so closely tied together that it was difficult to drive this morning without stopping at the drive thru. I tried. I decided I would take my morning drive and just see what happens - just maybe I would be able to bypass the morning joe.
On my way home, and not necessarily driving past the Starbucks, I gave in and took the turn down the road that would eventually lead me there. Pathetic. So i compromised and got a soy chai latte, a slighter better choice than my usual soy white mocha. Actually I don't know if it's better, but I'm going to assume that it is - what?
I've had to break this habit before. I remember that I had to just replace it with something else. I was in the habit of stoping for coffee after taking the kids to school. ... Oh wait, that's essentially what I'm doing now. =/ The best idea would be to replace it with exercising, going for a walk or bike ride. But HOW!?
My top points of interest will be depression (duh!), anxiety, and invasive thoughts. I was reading more about invasive thoughts and I understand that this is a type of OCD which can be brought on by a number of things. I've always been a little obsessive in thought, but I really see the increase since the anxiety has kicked in post kids.
This all affect me physically as well. Im constantly having dizzy spells which seem to coincide with depressive episodes where Im just knackered, lethargic, and wallowing in my own self pity.
This also goes along with my addictive behavior/personality. Although Im not addicted to drugs - they just freaked me out too much and I hated even being high or drunk - I do get set in my ways in other things. I am addicted to caffeine, sugar, junk food, TV distractions. I'm pretty sure Im even addicted to my depression.
I know I stress eat and this can usually means putting anything into your mouth that is available, however there is a strong desire for something sweet, like chocolate, because its very satisfying and makes you "happy". Of course you have to deal with the i-fee-like-a-fat-cow-after-eating-that-entire-cake effect too, so there's that.
View post on imgur.com
But Im also addicted to my morning drives along the backroads in my town. I love to take it slow, enjoy the sunshine and cool air, see the beautiful fields and trees, glimpse the horses who are rolling around in the sun to get warm, laugh at the llamas who munch their grass like camels, spot goats scratching their heads on fences, and chickens chasing each other across a field, and sheepies, and moo-moos... I just love to have this as a morning routine.Attached to this morning routine is my morning Starbucks: Sugar, caffeine, comfort. It is completely psychological. And the two activities are so closely tied together that it was difficult to drive this morning without stopping at the drive thru. I tried. I decided I would take my morning drive and just see what happens - just maybe I would be able to bypass the morning joe.
 |
| Supposed to be an alpaca but doesn't matter because LOOK AT HIM!! |
On my way home, and not necessarily driving past the Starbucks, I gave in and took the turn down the road that would eventually lead me there. Pathetic. So i compromised and got a soy chai latte, a slighter better choice than my usual soy white mocha. Actually I don't know if it's better, but I'm going to assume that it is - what?
I've had to break this habit before. I remember that I had to just replace it with something else. I was in the habit of stoping for coffee after taking the kids to school. ... Oh wait, that's essentially what I'm doing now. =/ The best idea would be to replace it with exercising, going for a walk or bike ride. But HOW!?
 |
| OMG. Im crying. |
5/20/15
# time for a change
I thought i knew what i was going to write here, but it turns out I've gone blank.
***
I'm going to make an appointment with an actual psychologist. Things are not getting better and Im a bit scared to mess around with cannabis again. I like it for how it tones down the anxiety, but i can't trust that it wont cause more panic attacks. Plus, it didn't address the depression, which means I'd have to cycle or find some kind of blend, and I just dont have the patience or brains for that sort of thing right now.
***
You know what I was thinking?
I was thinking that medication (pharmaceuticals) is not for everyone. Yet, Im probably going to be talked into getting on something.
I don't think everyone can "recover" either. I can understand why some people are more suited to being a hermit, or living a homeless life, or living so far away from society so as to basically not exist. Can I imagine that? I hope I never have to. Well, except for the living far away from society bit. Only, I sometimes feel like the only thing that would really help me, calm me, make me feel "normal", is to be away from all of society, noise, and common stresses. Is it because modern life is so unnatural? I think that is a distinct possibility.
Some of us, through our personal history and traumas, become very sensitive creatures. Too sensitive. Maybe it makes a difference WHEN you were exposed to the traumas, ie adult vs childhood. Some traumas just change us, down to the atomic level. How do you fight that?
***
I'm going to make an appointment with an actual psychologist. Things are not getting better and Im a bit scared to mess around with cannabis again. I like it for how it tones down the anxiety, but i can't trust that it wont cause more panic attacks. Plus, it didn't address the depression, which means I'd have to cycle or find some kind of blend, and I just dont have the patience or brains for that sort of thing right now.
***
You know what I was thinking?
I was thinking that medication (pharmaceuticals) is not for everyone. Yet, Im probably going to be talked into getting on something.
I don't think everyone can "recover" either. I can understand why some people are more suited to being a hermit, or living a homeless life, or living so far away from society so as to basically not exist. Can I imagine that? I hope I never have to. Well, except for the living far away from society bit. Only, I sometimes feel like the only thing that would really help me, calm me, make me feel "normal", is to be away from all of society, noise, and common stresses. Is it because modern life is so unnatural? I think that is a distinct possibility.
Some of us, through our personal history and traumas, become very sensitive creatures. Too sensitive. Maybe it makes a difference WHEN you were exposed to the traumas, ie adult vs childhood. Some traumas just change us, down to the atomic level. How do you fight that?
5/14/15
# not calm, but not freaking out
I've got my noise cancelling headphones on right now just so I can drown out the loudness of the boys. It helps. Yesterday I actually spent all day out in the living area with everyone, and not hiding in my bedroom like a freaked out kitty. At the moment though I am escaping just a bit, just so I can write and wander the interwebs, looking at vandwelling and van camping sites. Summer is coming.
I'd like to just be able to take the van and LEAVE this suburbia behind. An RV would be awesome, but lets start small, eh! I(we) could go off and explore the local mountains, drive on to the oceanside on a whim, take a nap on the side of the road in one of the small mountain towns along the way, etc. My three boys *might* be ok with this as long as there was comfort. My eldest, though, would probably complain of being bored. The 2 littles would be easier to deal with as I discovered when we had to trek for 2 days in our van whilst returning from my grama's funeral. (I still intend to finish the story...eventually.) I was surprised by their sense of adventure, although Middlest was D-O-N-E with it after 2 days.
Anyway, I'm trying not to go down the rabbit hole of obsessive thought on this issue because I can easily become overwhelmed with the *OH-MY-GOD-I-NEED-TO-FIGURE-THIS-OUT-RIGHT-NOW* compulsions. But I would like to start thinking about some get-a-way plans. The kids truly are what give me the most anxiety on this. Especially if Im planning on traveling alone with them, since Husband works so damn much.
Baby steps, so they say. And perhaps I'll post pictures of improvements, or anything, I do to the van. I can't really modify anything in there, so that limits what "improvements" I can make.
cool article on some van dwellers: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/01/27/mobile-living-vancouver-van-dwellers-housing_n_2560651.html
I'd like to just be able to take the van and LEAVE this suburbia behind. An RV would be awesome, but lets start small, eh! I(we) could go off and explore the local mountains, drive on to the oceanside on a whim, take a nap on the side of the road in one of the small mountain towns along the way, etc. My three boys *might* be ok with this as long as there was comfort. My eldest, though, would probably complain of being bored. The 2 littles would be easier to deal with as I discovered when we had to trek for 2 days in our van whilst returning from my grama's funeral. (I still intend to finish the story...eventually.) I was surprised by their sense of adventure, although Middlest was D-O-N-E with it after 2 days.
Anyway, I'm trying not to go down the rabbit hole of obsessive thought on this issue because I can easily become overwhelmed with the *OH-MY-GOD-I-NEED-TO-FIGURE-THIS-OUT-RIGHT-NOW* compulsions. But I would like to start thinking about some get-a-way plans. The kids truly are what give me the most anxiety on this. Especially if Im planning on traveling alone with them, since Husband works so damn much.
 |
| https://adifferentkindofparadise.wordpress.com/road-abodes/vana/ |
Baby steps, so they say. And perhaps I'll post pictures of improvements, or anything, I do to the van. I can't really modify anything in there, so that limits what "improvements" I can make.
cool article on some van dwellers: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/01/27/mobile-living-vancouver-van-dwellers-housing_n_2560651.html
5/9/15
# am i ready to let go?
<3
I used to do hobby crafts like knitting, sewing, crocheting. I guess I still do these things, but only rarely. For the last 2 days I've been trying to be useful, have some enjoyment, and create some knitting or crochet. But it was going horribly. I was so frustrated because things were not coming out very well, and I was fighting with the yarn, that I would rip it all out and start over with something completely different. After 2 days of this I asked myself - Is this even fun?
I think my current hatred of my old hobbies is a result of my current depressed, low state of mind. If I hate these things, or if they're not fun, or if I'm not really willing to slag though the challenging parts, then why do I keep trying to do them?
So again, my mind is wandering into the realms of a fantasy life of minimalism. But REAL minimalism which would have nothing to distract, little furniture, little clothing, etc.
Perhaps all this is result of me just being thoroughly psychologically stretched for the time being, and incapable of coping with all the ordinary everyday things of life: cleaning house, cleaning everybody else's mess, not getting thank yous, making food that nobody eats (or seriously freaks out over), then being forced to make shit like mac n cheese just so the kids will eat it something.
I don't really know what i should do. I have things I'd like to accomplish but I totally feel like those things are separated from me by a wall of ... everything else I'm supposed to be doing. If you get rid of everything except those 1 or 2 things you want to focus on, it makes sense that you would be more "free" do actually do those things. By "free" I don't just mean time, but also mentally and emotionally. How can you concentrate on certain things (like enjoyment) when you're weighted down by thoughts of the things you NEED to be doing (like cleaning the fucking house again).
Things Im considering letting go of:
most my makeup - much of which is just sitting in a drawer and was initially collected as a sort of compulsion and coping mechanism during depressed moods.
my sewing maching as well as all sewing paraphernalia - was wondering if I could move to hand sewing. I would still love to sew things once in a while, but in a more simplified way.
most of my knitting and crochet paraphernalia - in another time of my life (but even sometimes currently) I just collect pretty yarns for projects I want to do, but then never get around to doing. The hooks and needles don't really take up too much room so I might just stash them somewhere.
my bags/purses - of which i don't actually have an excessive amount, nor do I have fancy ones, but again, they're something i like to collect, especially if they are a cute textile or graphic pattern. Most of them are currently strung up on a hook in the garage.
clothes - this is the hardest one. Nothing fits me good right now. As Im always saying, and doing nothing about, Im a fat cow. Clothes feel and look horrible on me. But in my garage, I have loads of clothes from when I was smaller, and that time doesn't even seem like that long ago. (ugh i have to ditch this line of thinking right now because Im going to lose it and send myself down the dark abyss of self loathing.)
My fantasy minimalist life would consist of something like this:
- very small wardrobe - being skinnier so that everything looks and feels good on
- getting up in the morning and walking out to the kitchen to make coffee - the kitchen would be clean and sparse, as though we had just moved in the day before.
- sitting outside in a quiet backyard (its noisy where we live), drinking coffee, enjoying the cool morning air and being wrapped in a handmade blanket.
- making an easy, light breakfast - while simultaneously starting dinner in the crock pot, of which the entire household would partake and not complain or refuse to eat.
- do some reading with the kids, general learning, chatting, but all the while being calm. (I want to take all their toys and melt them away, but that would be really cruel.)
- never have anyone ask me ever again Can I watch such-and-such on Netflix, or Can I play such-and-such on the computer.
- go outside, walk around, and not have to hear fucking lawnmowers, leaf blowers, cars zooming, lumbar yards, train horns blaring, low airplanes overhead, and whatever else.
These are just some of the things I'd love, but i could go on listing more in boring detail. Perhaps I'll stop here for now.
5/7/15
# emo dump
this is an emo dump.
im in the midst of an amotional fucking somthing or other.
i nearly crashed the car bacause i lost my shit at on eo fth ekids.
i cant even concentrate right now.
i just took a ton of tincture. please god i hope it works.
i keep having thhese infvasive thoughts/feelings where i want to bash my head in the fucking wall.
over and over and over again.
i fucking hate myself.
i want to bleed all over the fucking carpet.
and yell.
i hate my fucking kids.
and love them at the same time.
i picture their litle faces and i want to cry.
one of them is having abirthday tomorrow.
and i fucking hate him right now.
he's my full autistic one.
i dont blame him for me loosing my shit because iw as already on the fucking precipice.
but he would not shut the fuck up.
the tension from fucking noise gets to me so bad sometimes.
am i a fucking ptsd person?
am i fucking ocd in a way?
is this fucking all residual from my early homelife?
still?
FUCKK
I dont even know what to write right now.
im just writing the first things coming to my mind.
FUCK
which is why every other word is fuck.
deep breathing.
typing out these words.
im feeling myself slow down a little bit.
husband isnt here.
and i miss him.
crying.
dizzy.
cant breath.
i want to run away in to the mountains.
dont bring any toys.
read a fucking book.
draw some shit.
crochet or knit.
but oh my god i fucking sucked at it today.
im a loser.?
im a loser sometimes.
im a fucking loser.
i can't even be a proper mother.
or homemaker.
i want to not be a loser at those things.
but i fucking hate it.
i fucking hate feeling like a prisoner.
everything i do is crap;
im in the midst of an amotional fucking somthing or other.
i nearly crashed the car bacause i lost my shit at on eo fth ekids.
i cant even concentrate right now.
i just took a ton of tincture. please god i hope it works.
i keep having thhese infvasive thoughts/feelings where i want to bash my head in the fucking wall.
over and over and over again.
i fucking hate myself.
i want to bleed all over the fucking carpet.
and yell.
i hate my fucking kids.
and love them at the same time.
i picture their litle faces and i want to cry.
one of them is having abirthday tomorrow.
and i fucking hate him right now.
he's my full autistic one.
i dont blame him for me loosing my shit because iw as already on the fucking precipice.
but he would not shut the fuck up.
the tension from fucking noise gets to me so bad sometimes.
am i a fucking ptsd person?
am i fucking ocd in a way?
is this fucking all residual from my early homelife?
still?
FUCKK
I dont even know what to write right now.
im just writing the first things coming to my mind.
FUCK
which is why every other word is fuck.
deep breathing.
typing out these words.
im feeling myself slow down a little bit.
husband isnt here.
and i miss him.
crying.
dizzy.
cant breath.
i want to run away in to the mountains.
dont bring any toys.
read a fucking book.
draw some shit.
crochet or knit.
but oh my god i fucking sucked at it today.
im a loser.?
im a loser sometimes.
im a fucking loser.
i can't even be a proper mother.
or homemaker.
i want to not be a loser at those things.
but i fucking hate it.
i fucking hate feeling like a prisoner.
everything i do is crap;
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