❀

I was prompted to think about this today while reading another blog. The question had to do with the killing of women and children in the old testament.

I realize this thread has continued on into something else but I just wanted to post my most basic thoughts on this:

This has always been a problem for me. I can't imagine how killing children is ever OK. Why did God have to do it this way? I've always asked this. There are only two forms of comfort I can draw for myself and only ONE of them I am sure of:

The first is that I pray for all those souls taken and that the most innocent, the ones before the age of accountability, are in God's presence even now. For the rest I can only hope there be some other opportunity for repentance, since this is before the cross.

The Second, and most correct, is that JESUS came to do away with ALL of this. If we were to live as Jesus and follow his example, there would be no war, no killings of any kind, etc. I am naive, i know. I am unrealistic as I truly wish our country would stop waring, and start helping those in need without the use of our guns.  Our country is supposed to be a haven for ALL refugees and we've failed to be so in modern times.

In short, I honestly don't think I can ever emotionally reconcile the slaughter of children during OT times. But that is a picture of how serious God is. And that should make us run to Jesus for the salvation he brings, of course, but also for the PEACE  he brings between God and man, and ideally man and man. If only everybody wanted peace.

❀ oh fek me

Today is one of those days. Instead of slamming my head into the wall i just had to write something.
I will come to no grand conclusions by doing this but it merely helps to lessen the load within my own head.
(i so need my own HP universe pensieve)
One thing will cause me to explode. And then wave after wave of hatful thoughts come rushing into mind.
I hate my house.
I hate living here.
I hate that nobody picks up their shit.
I hate that we have so much shit.
I hate cooking because the kids bitch and moan about the food.
I hate that it's so fucking hot.
I hate that i have no time for myself.
I hate that my kids scream and whine all the fucking time.
I hate that my husband is so complacent or seems to not care about certain things.
I hate that i feel "sick" or not my best all the time.
I hate that I'm so hateful.
I hate that I have to deal with feeling all of this.

I hadn't taken any medicinal tincture in the last several days because there's a lot going on and I didn't want to be zombied out of my fricken ability to get shit done. I did, however, finally  have to medicate last night because I felt like a crazy angry person and so it did help me to sleep. I woke up feeling super lethargic and shitty, though.
I hate that!

( I'm starting to relax a little bit as I'm writing... )

Seriously my mind was so fucked up right now that I was going to call my husband and tell him to come home because I was d.o.n.e. and going to leave. Not permanently, but who seriously knows when I get like that.

I've tried to figure if it's an overtimulation something, since that's usually what it feels like. Why the fuck do i just "lose it"? Either I continue on this path of psycho-ness, or take my meds (whether its cannibus or some other pharmaceutical doesn't matter) and become a fucking zombie and just deal with being lethargic and not being able to get tasks done. Great fucking choice, eh?

❀ (part1) am I on the spectrum?

No kitties but still cute. Birdie Kitheths

One of the things i hate about the autism community - well the autism-warrior-tigerblood-mama (or whatever they want to call themselves) - is how so many of these women do not like to hear about stats or studies that may implicate them as the guilty party who passed down the blessing of autism to their child. (I realize "blessing" may be subjective here but there are indeed some positive things about having kiddos on the spectrum. ) Anyway, I've become so annoyed by this that I don't really like to follow the autism mama blogs anymore.   I've even thought to myself that science better look out for these people more than the religious groups because if they had their way they would disqualify such studies from the public record. I've even stopped going to the autism forums because there was  a lot of misunderstanding and clashing between the people who actually were autistic and the moms. I started to realize that there is a real risk of moms touting the "its all about me" attitude more than considering what's best for their kids, and the issues of scientific studies on the above topic helped me see that.

** Let me insert this: Now I totally understand that sometimes we need a safe place to vent. And maybe the forum should have been qualified as a mom only club... I don't know. I do know that while our children are small it is all about US being their advocates in a way most parents don't really have to experience. We can't help but make everything all about us. **

Ok, back to the main topic:: Well I like to see the data. I like to know what's being researched because that's what science is. My background in college included a lot of sciences. I'm fascinated by it. The answers are there... somewhere. Some of the studies and reviews may seem useless, and indeed many may ultimately prove to be useless and a waste of money, but there are a lot of connections that can be made down the road between seemingly unrelated topics. So I don't mind if studies come out and say there may be a link between mom's depression and children with autism, or a mom who was abused (uh, hello does no one see how this effects hormone levels?). I take it with a grain of salt and wait for conclusive evidence  of causality to occur, which may be years down the line if ever. But in the meantime is does give us something to think about and expand on. Im not afraid of that. And I'm less afraid to put people straight if they have jumped to the non confirmed conclusion. Big deal.

Because sometimes things are shitty. 

I would think that by this time in our scientific advancement another "refrigerator mother" situation would not rear it's ugly head. Im sure all the autie mom's would yell foul anyway, as would I. But the fact remains, some mom groups are freaked out by this, and discourage publicizing studies that implicate them AT ALL. And I think this is unfair to their children who actually struggle with , for lack of a better description, the condition of autism. They deserve to know, too. 

All of these thoughts lead me here; I've always felt there was something in my biology that was passed down to my kids. Perhaps I'm wrong in this, who knows. Sure, in the beginning it hurt to think about this. But as I've learned more, watched my babies grow over the years, and longed for answers closer to our genetic makeup and biochemistry, my understanding of myself is really starting to change. Not that I was in denial about myself, i just don't think I had as broad of an understanding.

He used to hide behind this wall and pounce on unsuspecting younglings walking by. *Pounce!*

Well ... I've been thinking I might actually be on the spectrum. There are several reason why I think this but at this moment I don't want to write a huge blog entry on it. So I'll save it for the next entry. 

The fact is, our bodies are so fricken complex and beautiful and PERFECT. Things go wrong, how could they not?! It is an unfair and  cruel trick of this corrupt earthly life, but I'm still enamored by our physical selves. The balance our bodies have to maintain is friggin amazing despite all the abuse we put it through. If you don't believe me, go learn some basic physiology or biochemistry. My goodness, your outlook might change. It's more than just a vaccine jab. It HAS to be. Don't you want to know how or why that is?? These mom's make me fearful for the future of autism related science, and relations between the autistic population we're trying so hard to protect and ourselves. And Im not kidding. 

... to be continued. 

❀I hate this life. Sometimes i get so tired of this hateful world and have to try so hard to push all that crap out of my head just to get out of bed. I look at my little ones' faces and try to hang on for them. If I were to die, if I were to end it, or even just give up on life emotionally, it would be the biggest insult to them and to God.

Yeahh, I think my low is pretty damn low today.

❀seasonal affective disorder in SUMMER?

I won't come out and say straight up that I have Summer Season Affective Disorder because I mostly just think my depression is year round with a few bouts of "normalcy". But, if I'm honest, this is the worst summer I've ever had (in terms of being non-functional). So it behoves me to look into what this phenomenon is.

Im not going to go too much into detail or education here because one can Google it and find various articles on the subject. Apparently it's relatively new in the field of psychology - which is weird. Suffice to say it's very similar to the winter version but with different symptoms; example with summer SAD one most likely eats and sleeps less, whereas in winter one might sleep and eat more. The result is the same, however, and that is you feel like shit. Ok moving on.

One of the coping mechanisms I was reading about involved surrounding yourself with imagery or anything else that would remind you of a more pleasant condition. So, for example, some therapies would suggest decorating your house with a winter theme in summer, especially if you can't get away to a cooler climate. This information hit me square in the face as I realized that I used to have similar practices in summer. Instinctively, I knew exposing myself to winter themes helped me get through the season.

For me, my summertime blues started between 5 and 10 years ago. It's hard to remember exactly because I automatically associate huge life changes with the birth of my eldest, who is near 10. Anyway, for several years in a row, once the weather started to heat up, I would place the third Harry Potter movie into the DVD player where it stayed, looping until summer was over.  If you've seen the movie you'll remember it was filmed in Scotland, snowy, rainy, foggy, the coloring was very cool - it was just a great movie to allay my hot weather hatred. A few years ago (maybe around 3) this practice changed into the constant running of the Ice Road Truckers series. Hmmm, all that ice and snow and puffy snow jackets.

Obviously I recognized the joy and change of pace watching snowy and cold environments gave me. I just didn't realize how significant and HELPFUL it all was in keeping me out of a bad low. This year I have done NONE of these practices, and as a result (probably) I rarely leave my house and want to crawl under the covers and sit in the dark trying to escape the heat and sun. It's not that I don't want to be outside or doing the things I normally would have done - like go to the creeks and lakes that I so love - but I'm just in hiding. I could not figure out why until I did my little bit of research.

Of course there are other factors that can come into play. For me it is also my great displeasure of summer crowds, my aversion to wearing typical, yet cool, summer wear like tiny tanks and shorts out in public, dreading how tired and overstimulated the heat makes me. I just don't have the energy to deal with it, I guess. I think I'll go put on a movie ...