random thoughts & things for the week

I always have the best of intentions when I buy exercise equipment. I have a few small pieces of equipment but they still collect and take up space in the house. I never really get around to using them on a regular basis.

For the last couple of days I've been jogging up and down my hallway. It's not a long hallway but I can run back and forth to get a good little cardio jolt. I actually found myself smiling after a quick "run" last night.

**********

I got told I was beautiful the other day. It was early in the morning and I had stopped at our local coffee kiosk for a white mocha to take to the hubby at work. My hair/dreadlocks were all over the place and I had put a little makeup on before leaving the house to drop the kids off as school, but you could still see hella scars and imperfections because there was truly hardly anything on.

As I was getting ready to drive off with our coffee when one of the girls working there  poked her head out the window to tell me that I was beautiful without makeup and she wished she could roll out of bed and look like I did. Lol. It was incredibly sweet but I felt awfully uncomfortable because... I felt (feel) like a fraud. Not just because I actually did have a little bit of loose powder on but because ... IM NOT BEAUTIFUL. That's my flaw in a nutshell. I have no view that I'm worth anything to anyone.

My husband often tells me in a very sweet but serious tone, "I love you. Do you know that?" I must admit that only in the last couple of years have I really come to feel  secure in his love, enough to know that he's not just going to stop loving me because I'm a bit crazy or just worthless.

In a strange way, this knowledge has actually made me less unstable. I used to push him away emotionally for some stupid reason or small squabble that  got blown up of proportion (by me). I'd inevitably push him away in some horrible fashion.  I don't know how he's stayed with me for the last 14 years or so.

**********

I want to live somewhere rural. I constantly go out for drives along the country roads nearby. I love that there's lots of open space, trees, less shopping choices (but with a nearby shopping town), no sounds of the freeway, more space between you and the neighbors, random wild deer and such running around, creeks, etc.

The noise of the suburbs has often made me feel like I was crawling out of my skin, so I love the idea of "relaxation" and quiet that the countryside exudes, especially now that it's rainy and everything is green and fresh looking. I literally feel a homesickness sometimes - if one can be homesick for an environment one has never really lived in.

*****

I have more things to discuss but that is about all I can manage for now.
I found the most adorable kitty and butterfly pictures HERE!
<3

I remember when... (my love for Wonder Woman)

I grew up watching the old Wonder Woman/Lynda Carter shows. I loved her. LOVED her. I wanted to be her not just as a superhero - although there was a string of years where I was Underoo’d Wonder Woman every Halloween - but also as a woman.

She was dignified, beautiful, and strong. I admit, my relationship to WW was  based more on the show and less on the comics, seeing as how I only had like 2 (I wish I knew where those were), so I can’t really explore too much of her personality. 

Anyway, I’m falling in love/crush with Lynda’s Wonder Woman all over again, and I wish there were more black and white images  as I think they are just so elegant and perfectly fitting for such a lovely lady. 

Like, *squee*, wasn't she so purrrty? 

I think the only other actress/character I've really crushed on was Bridget Regan as Kahlan Amnell in Legend of the Seeker. She was beautiful, strong, she fought with daggers, had some weirdo funky powers, and gorgeous long tresses. 

I must have a thing for brunettes because I remember being enamored with Connie Sellecca from the old show, Greatest American Hero, lol. ...

So I guess i have a thing for women who can kick ass and remain feminine while doing it. I love a woman who is honest, is sweet but can put you in your place when the time is right, and doesn't take any shit from anyone, lol. I say nothing as to whether or not she's acceptable if she happens to be a crazy emotional roller coaster because sometimes - sometimes - i think that's rather interesting. Plus, well, I can't discriminate against emotional roller coasters. 

I went outside! lol

I went for a walk yesterday. No pressure, no attempt to get exercise or accomplish anything other than exist for at least 30 minutes out in the sunshine. I was taking a leaf out of the kitty handbook.

I took my son - because he's homeschooled - and although I sometimes find that having another person around is somewhat difficult and mentally exhausting, it was nice to just not be alone.

I think it helped. I did feel in a better mood for the rest of the day, and even went to sit outside later on for a recharge.

I often feel suddenly exhausted or "heavy" when the sun goes down. I always joke that I'm solar powered because of this. I sometimes literally fight back a cry when this happens. And then a strange anxiety will come over me and contribute to my insomnia. That's what it seems like anyway.

Lately I've given up on the tincture and have been taking ZzzQuil to force myself to sleep. I don't know if its a good thing to rely on this medicine but at least I'm not having to leave the room in the middle of the night because my brain awake and my husband is snoring like a frikin truck.

Today I feel really irritable. I don't know if its all the noise from the kids (excess stimulations) or what. I'm about to go try and sit outside and hope they don't follow me. I might have to take some tincture and see if it chills me out. I don't normally take it during the day...

Happy saturday~~

TGIF

*starts shamelessly singing Rebecca Black*

Friday~Friday~get'n down on Friday~

(Don't worry, i won't make your cry by reciting the whole song.)

Hnggggg stretchies <3

I want to leave the house but I feel gross and ugly. Do you get that way, too?

I have this thing where I'm a little bit obsessed with buying makeup. Not expensive makeup, but like cheap crap from the drugstore. It's usually like a facepowder, a colored lip balm, the occasional eyeshadow or - when I'm feeling extraordinarily hideous - a new foundation.

bahahaha! I love IT Crowd.

Makeup in general doesn't even look good on me. At least, i don't think it does. I have fun messing around with it but it has really become something I do which

• a) helps me to feel less hideous - unless it looks like shit in which case it's not doing me any favors. And when I say hideous i mean in that god-Im-so-ugly-i-dont-even-want-to-look-at-myself kind of way...which is most days.

• b) gives me a chance to prepare myself for the coming day. It is actually quite relaxing to just sit and apply foundation with a soft brush, and just massage that crap right into the skin. Sometimes i don't want to leave the room because I'm so peaceful. 

I have a little stash of all kinds of makeup in my closet that I'm trying to figure out what to do with. It's excessive (in my opinion) and collected over the last year or so. When I get "depressed" I normally don't like to go shopping for clothes or things, but I know people who do. It's their escape and it makes them feel better. But for some reason - I suppose because I practically live at Walmart with all the food my kids eat - I'm always picking up some bit of makeup for myself. I don't even like half the shit I get. It's like this weird compulsion. So I often try to avoid grocery shopping there. 

...Come to think of it I used to do this with yarn too (for crochet). I would pick up a new skein, even if I didn't need it...

I've promised myself to get out of this particular pattern I'm in. There were many years I didn't bother with makeup because it just simply wasn't apart of my life.  (I've only been using it regularly the last maybe 2-3 years!)  I kind of miss that. During that time I was also was not dealing with this ongoing depression - so there's that. I used to enjoy being outside more and going for runs. 

You know what?...I just don't think I've ever adjusted to family life.  That's sad.

i hate google (quick insert)

Many of my pics are missing. I was messing around with Picasa / G+ / Youtube / Blogger settings and trying to figure out what was what,  since things have merged and morphed with Google's new-ish settings, ie heavy pressure to use G+.

I've resisted G+ pages until a couple days ago, and that was only because I wanted to make a separate Youtube page. I won't post anything on G+ because I have no desire to. Twitter is enough for me. And even that is too much sometimes. And i've already discussed Facebook crap.

I've had a long hatred of Google - ever since they bought and killed Picnik. While I also hate Facebook at least it makes sense in terms of where the fuck your shit is stored and how get access to it. Google is so convoluted and has so many redundant ways to get at content just because it wants everything to be accessible through G+. It's always been that way. They buy up platforms and either let them sit or merge it with something. Have you ever looked through all Google's services? Its ridiculous and finding something specific is a nightmare.

This is not going to be a real rant about all the reasons why I hate google. I'm just annoyed that I can see pictures on this blog, but in incognito mode i notice many are missing. I normally don't upload to Blogger either but always try and link from another photo host - for mostly this reason as well as it makes sense in my brain.

I want to boycott google. Not that they would care. Or notice. I don't mind having a one-place-for-everything kind of situation but the ideal one (for me) doesn't exist - unless I get a squarespace or something. I don't mind using photo host / video host / blogger to keep all the content separate, with links for sharing. I guess I just got lazy and rudely am reminded how much I hate google again.

Did i mention I hate google?

Started to sing You Are My Sunshine to my husband.
Then I pointed to the kids: "They're my thunderstorms."
*Points to my girl kitty* "She's my warm spring day."
*Points to boy kitty* "He's the blustery wind advisory day."

Matt Hughes of Storm Chasers

We've been recently watching a lot of Storm Chasers on Netflix. Yesterday we got to the episode where Matt Hughes was revealed to have died after taking TIV2 into a tornado (2010).

Matt Hughes was a meteorologist and storm chaser. He was only 30 at the time of his death and he left behind a wife and 2 little boys. If I understand the few articles online, that weekend after their intercept he went back home for the weekend and attempted to kill himself by hanging. Supposedly he and his wife were having troubles, as well as there were also financial problems. He died 13 days later in hospital.

In a previous episode the TIV navigator, Byron, decides to quit the team. Matt, visibly emotional about Byron's leaving, says that he didn't want him to go because he'd been a good friend, made him happy, and had helped to bring him out of some low times.  At the time it just seemed like a touching little scene, but looking back on it one can see how significant a statement it was.

My first thought after learning of his suicide attempt was of how happy and "high" he was during that week of their intercept,  and then to have to leave everyone, go back home and fall right out of that elation - well, those kind of lows are usually way worse.

According to the articles, Matt was really good at hiding his depression from everyone. Supposedly he even hid it from his wife. I find this to be a bit unbelievable. At the time of Matt's suicide attempt he had been drinking heavily and I can't imagine it was the first time he ever self medicated. I don't believe you can really hide something like that. But I'm admitting that I really have no idea how they lived their life. Perhaps he really was able to hide it from her. One thing is certain, he wasn't sharing his feelings with anyone; letting it sit and breed in his own mind. This makes me sad to think about.

Is this a fundamental difference between the way men and women live out their depression? I've read how statistics has shown that men are more likely than women to have a successful suicide. I don't know if these numbers have changed but I'm sure a lot depends on the severity of the depression itself, something that should be compared against that data to give context.

At any rate, the news of Matt's death was pretty shocking and sad to learn. He seemed like a very sweet soul and I don't think it would be unreasonable to say that he also seemed very sensitive.  Maybe things would have been different if he could have just talked and opened up to someone.

What to do, what to do...

Oh shit. Today was hard.

I feel there is a definite pattern of having a full week of dealing with the kids (obviously), Husband being gone till pretty f*kin late, and Sunday. (Sunday Blues to the max)

I've been pretty tired (emotionally and physically, blahblah) and all the above just creates a perfect storm for psycho mommy.

My sleep has been shit. Really shit. Very inconsistent, nonexistent, and the days feel terrible. I can't function like this.

It's like I literally *can* *not* *take* *life* anymore and my deepest desires for sanity, selfishness, and survival is to run away.

Essentially its like being one of those non maternal dogs that just doesn't want to let the puppy have any milk and doesn't want to take care of them anymore. Some animals just get that way.

It may sound cruel, like I'm just wanting to ditch my family, but it's seriously a fight or flight state of mind that I go into... I think.

This whole week was a challenge where I just had so little patience. My wick would be burnt out like nothing.

The kids go fuckin crazy and I have to hide in the bathroom or just my room, because I get strong *crawling out of my skin* feelings and *wants to slam my head into the wall* urges.

I need CALMNESS in my life. It's like when MONK couldn't concentrate on his cases because trash was everywhere,

and the only way he could finally think clearly was when he sat in a stark bare, sterilized laboratory. With my depression and stress/anxiety I think an approximation of this is essential. And I don't have that or any way to achieve it. (I may be wrong, as we depressive are so pessimistic, hurrr)

So, what to do now... I don't know what to do about my meds. I don't expect MM, ie my tinctures, to work miracles, and I understand Indica is better for anxiety, but I'm not even sure the one I'm on is being effective. The whole point was to have it relax me to sleep and give me that calm for the next day. I have felt none of that. Maybe it's the blend? The other one I was using worked great for that but started accentuating my anxieties, something common with sativas i guess... i dunno. My current physical condition isn't helping, i know that much.

Whoever woke me up is going to DIE

feeling a bit relaxed

I pretty much locked myself up in my room today. I've been sleeping horribly lately. I mean months. Between my own insomnia and husband's snoring I'm just screwed. Somedays I have no, none, nada, patience and I snap at everything. Usually these are the days I hide and leave my kids to pretty much go Lord of the Flies up in here.

Sometimes the very act of hiding out will cause a surge in panic as I look at the clock every few hours and realize how much time has gone by. It's different when I sleep the day away compared to when I'm wide awake, afraid to even leave my bedroom.

At the end of the night my husband brings me my tincture - a new blend I'm trying that doesn't seem to be too strong. I didn't want that "high" feeling but I was hoping for a more sleepy effect in order to aid me in falling asleep. So far it seem pretty mild.

I did finally start to feel some calming effects - or at least less anxious - after dinner. I could've used it during the day but for some reason I can't bring myself to take it then, probably because I still have to drive to pick up the kids and stuff.

Some horrible news today about Malaysian Airlines, too. =(

idiots, pedophiles, imgur

People defending pedophiles now. Oh wait, but they're resisting their urges. That is makes it so much better.

What the fuck do people think?

Apparently there are two types of pedophiles: Ones with a general sexual attraction, and the other who preys on them either because they're sexually attracted or asserting some kind of sick power over someone who is weaker.

It is said that with the former there may be therapy to help them overcome their attraction. With the latter there may be more intense treatment or anger management that could help.

With the former: can you really change a person's sexual orientation? Has it worked with gay people? With heteros? What the fuck are they thinking? They will never be "rehabbed"?

With the latter: would you ever really trust someone in these circumstances? Presumably their therapy is result of some occurrence of violence because, lets be logical, we're not a proactive medical culture. "Oh you took anger management courses? What did you do?" How often do we really catch people BEFORE they act out?

Do those who are able to "resist" their urges deserve respect? That was the question... or statement.

What is respect:

respect:
*. deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.
*. the condition of being esteemed or honored:

Esteemed or honored? I don't know about that. My instinct is to say NO, as this serves no purpose in biology so anyone who follows an evolutionary thought process should recognize that THERE IS NO BENEFIT TO A SOCIETY/CULTURE/ANIMAL KINGDOM WHEN AN ADULT INDIVIDUAL HAS A SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO CHILDREN. Therefore, it should not be accepted as OK, Normal, Fine and Dandy!

Yes, the person should have legal rights, shouldn't have his house set ablaze or his person accosted in the street, etc. If this person is abiding by the law and living a life where he is not hurting children, either first hand or by supporting child pornography, then I see nothing wrong with showing them "respect". But you don't have these people living by schools, you don't want them living by you if you have children. They shouldn't have the right or psychological recommendation to. They are never to be trusted.

Where do we draw the fucking line? Does no one use their brains? Do you subject an alcoholic to living surrounded by booze? Do they have the right to live that way. Our society says "yeah", but I guess because they're only hurting themselves.

Can these people (pedophiles) help the way they were "made"? Who the hell knows. Does it matter at this point?

Someone actually told me my logic was fucked because I shouldn't discriminate against someone who is "resisting urges they cannot control". *-THEY CANNOT CONTROL* This is the heart of the matter. You will never rehab them (I don't believe it's worked yet.) and you should never trust them.

Another person used the argument for pedophile "respect" saying that if you feel otherwise then you also  shouldn't trust 'normal' people with an attraction to someone and shouldn't be allowed in the same room as them because you couldn't be trust to hold in those urges.  Again, are you fucking kidding me? Ok, lets put that pedophile in a room with some kid he was attracted to. He's there, resisting his emotions, resisting his urges.... as a parent if you knew what was in that person's heart (in their mind) what the fuck would you do? You'd take your kid right the fuck out of there. HOW can a person give this cockamamie argument?

This is not the same as an adult being attracted to another adult. But open it up further: What if the person who was being admired or lusted after knew how the other felt. It could potentially be incredibly uncomfortable for them, as well. Yet, when it's a child who is being lusted after, somehow, according these assholes on imgur, it's not so bad since the pedophile isn't acting on his urges. SMH, WTF, & FFS.

I just don't understand people sometimes. This is why I should not hang out online. =/ And this is why you should not watch Hollywood movies, which can glorify anything and distort reality to the point that people become right idiots.
****
An quick article link about treatments: http://www.livescience.com/17519-treating-pedophiles-therapy-challenge.html
A link to: http: Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers

my gardening class

It went about as well as me browsing the internets in a randomized frenzy.

There was a little bit of a handout that we followed but mostly there was derailment. Much derailment. I gleaned what bits of information sounded important and then just listened to all the random troubleshooting questions. This was the first in a three class series, but I don't think I'll be returning to the other two. Husband had to take off time from work so I could go and it wasn't really worth it. I got out, sat around strangers, experienced something new and potentially helpful... nope. Not doing it again.

My brain works so much better in an organized, school like approach to learning. I need hands on and reading material concurrently. Plus, it's been really hard to focus these past few years anyway the extra organization is like completely necessary now.

You know all that talk I made about working out and getting in shape and shit? I think I'm sick. I think there's something legitimately wrong with me. I don't know what. If I go to a doctor they'll do probably do a bunch of tests and then tell me nothing is wrong.

My instinct is to cleanse but I'm actually a little scared I'll do more harm then good. I'm legit worried about myself. This is more than the depression. When I work out just a little I can make myself feel pretty good and even stave off an oncoming panic attack. The other day I bounced for maybe 5 minutes, not even hard, and I felt loads better. I still felt tired and bleh and only slightly more "awake", but there have been times I've gone for walks outside and just felt right sleepy and could not wake up, yawning the entire walk. Runs? Forgetaboutit. Same thing happens. This isn't right.

What am i going to do? I feel that i know what i need to do and have for years. But it scares me that after all this time I still haven't done it. I don't know how to do it.

******