What to do, what to do...

Oh shit. Today was hard.

I feel there is a definite pattern of having a full week of dealing with the kids (obviously), Husband being gone till pretty f*kin late, and Sunday. (Sunday Blues to the max)

I've been pretty tired (emotionally and physically, blahblah) and all the above just creates a perfect storm for psycho mommy.

My sleep has been shit. Really shit. Very inconsistent, nonexistent, and the days feel terrible. I can't function like this.

It's like I literally *can* *not* *take* *life* anymore and my deepest desires for sanity, selfishness, and survival is to run away.

Essentially its like being one of those non maternal dogs that just doesn't want to let the puppy have any milk and doesn't want to take care of them anymore. Some animals just get that way.

It may sound cruel, like I'm just wanting to ditch my family, but it's seriously a fight or flight state of mind that I go into... I think.

This whole week was a challenge where I just had so little patience. My wick would be burnt out like nothing.

The kids go fuckin crazy and I have to hide in the bathroom or just my room, because I get strong *crawling out of my skin* feelings and *wants to slam my head into the wall* urges.

I need CALMNESS in my life. It's like when MONK couldn't concentrate on his cases because trash was everywhere,

and the only way he could finally think clearly was when he sat in a stark bare, sterilized laboratory. With my depression and stress/anxiety I think an approximation of this is essential. And I don't have that or any way to achieve it. (I may be wrong, as we depressive are so pessimistic, hurrr)

So, what to do now... I don't know what to do about my meds. I don't expect MM, ie my tinctures, to work miracles, and I understand Indica is better for anxiety, but I'm not even sure the one I'm on is being effective. The whole point was to have it relax me to sleep and give me that calm for the next day. I have felt none of that. Maybe it's the blend? The other one I was using worked great for that but started accentuating my anxieties, something common with sativas i guess... i dunno. My current physical condition isn't helping, i know that much.

Whoever woke me up is going to DIE