my gardening class

It went about as well as me browsing the internets in a randomized frenzy.

There was a little bit of a handout that we followed but mostly there was derailment. Much derailment. I gleaned what bits of information sounded important and then just listened to all the random troubleshooting questions. This was the first in a three class series, but I don't think I'll be returning to the other two. Husband had to take off time from work so I could go and it wasn't really worth it. I got out, sat around strangers, experienced something new and potentially helpful... nope. Not doing it again.

My brain works so much better in an organized, school like approach to learning. I need hands on and reading material concurrently. Plus, it's been really hard to focus these past few years anyway the extra organization is like completely necessary now.

You know all that talk I made about working out and getting in shape and shit? I think I'm sick. I think there's something legitimately wrong with me. I don't know what. If I go to a doctor they'll do probably do a bunch of tests and then tell me nothing is wrong.

My instinct is to cleanse but I'm actually a little scared I'll do more harm then good. I'm legit worried about myself. This is more than the depression. When I work out just a little I can make myself feel pretty good and even stave off an oncoming panic attack. The other day I bounced for maybe 5 minutes, not even hard, and I felt loads better. I still felt tired and bleh and only slightly more "awake", but there have been times I've gone for walks outside and just felt right sleepy and could not wake up, yawning the entire walk. Runs? Forgetaboutit. Same thing happens. This isn't right.

What am i going to do? I feel that i know what i need to do and have for years. But it scares me that after all this time I still haven't done it. I don't know how to do it.

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