the past catches up

I've recently been dealing with feelings I don't want to deal with. Some years ago my ex bf and I started chatting via email. At first it was harmless but then quickly turned into something ... well, crazy. It was necessary to cut off all communication and the whole thing ended with a few angry email exchanges. His final email was probably the harshest. I was upset, but just wanted to move on and be left alone to deal with things. He was upset but wanted to throw every bit of dirt he could pick up in my face. Needless to say, I never thought we would "talk" again.

Then...
A few months ago I received a very mysterious email from an address designed to remind me of a romantic past I had with him. He sent a couple short letters because I wasn't checking my inbox regularly, and I guess he was a bit nervous as to why I wasn't answering him. Basically, the letters apologized (in a very self absorbed sort of way) and asked if I wanted to try and talk again. I was confused and needed answers as to why he was contacting me now, out of the blue, especially after some of the horrible things he said to me.

In the end, and after receiving a pitiful explanation, I could clearly see he had not changed. He wanted to conceal our "friendship" from his live-in girlfriend, something that had caused a huge problem the last time. (How can any friendship be genuine when I wouldn't even be able to send him a card or anything in the mail? What kind of relationship is that with someone in the RL?) Everything in his apology was based around how he was affected and how I must have thought horribly about him afterward. It was like his conscience over how he reacted disturbed him merely because it tarnished his reputation. (Why would it matter what I thought or felt about him?) The fact that I might have had a really hard time myself was almost an afterthought. This is how it seemed to me after reading his letters.

Now...
After reading the emails I told him to leave me alone, and I wanted no such relationship with him. What I did not realize was that during this time he had been visiting my blogs and Twitter page. Now, I realize things like this will happen when you put yourself out there for the world to see. What sucks for me is I'm pretty positive that he found me through my husband's account, since he (stupidly, in my opinion) uses his real name on everything. I had recently come out of hiding from the virtual world, too, so this really sucked for me, especially since I Don't use my real name on Twitter.

I don't mind that strangers read my things (I've learned not to post too much out there that can be easily traced back to my real ID) but this has started to bother me where he is concerned. I can't help but feel he's passing judgment on me and just being a creepy lurker, not because he cares but because he's merely feeding a curiosity. Yes, there is a difference in my mind. Remember the "dirt" I spoke about earlier? A lot of that was his interpretation of me after reading some of my blogs, then twisted around and thrown in my face. So I guess the bottom line is that I just don't trust him.

I'm at a loss as to what to do and I'm starting to obsess about it. The scary thing is I don't know if I'm obsessing in that worried way I can easily get caught up in, or if I'm really wanting an opportunity to just have some contact with him. I've started mindlessly and obsessionally checking my stats, looking for his IP address. I used to do this with his emails when we first started talking those couple of years ago. I hate this feeling and I've been trying to figure out the What and Why of it.

I want to call him out on this in my blog. But I just don't know if this is the right way of going about it. I told him to push off and although I wish we could be normal friends, at this point I think things are just too awkward.