I had a lovely time hanging out with some people from church. I've met some great people and for the first time in probably 13 or more years I've made, what I would consider, friends. I don't socialize much so this is rather WHY im having such a hard time right now.
Toward the end of the afternoon, our deacon started chatting with me about my boys, family, education, and some things related to some of our issues. He totally made me cry. I don't even know how or why I started crying. He did hit upon some issues that I think really affect me, and some that I would have thought were not affecting me much at all. And when he looks at me it's almost as though he was looking at ME, deep down where even I can't see. It was such an incredibly lovely and uncomfortable thing. And he always says such nice things, I can't help but feel as though Im just unworthy of such attention.
I am still crying. Tears are just calmly leaking from my eyes, and have been since we got home a little over half an hour ago. During a quick shower I gave to one of the boys (my autie) I just scooped him up in his towel and started bawling in a gentle way that wouldn't upset him. He calmly told me, "Stop your tears now," which for him was his way of saying - Don't be sad, mom. I just hugged on him and told him how much i loved him.
I think I've often experienced this in the past - feeling complete sadness of some kind after spending time with friends. I always thought it was just the transition to aloneness that was making feel sad, as though I was just unable to adjust to the fact that everyone was gone. That may be true, but I think it's just emotional exhaustion from giving (attention, energy, part of my self) to a social situation.
I think perhaps that this teary reaction would be different if I wasn't required to interact as much, but could just be a comfortable wallflower - I can't really say. I suspect that's true, though.
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