I dont even know... (long)

Where do i begin in this?

I'm currently trying to decompress from a very stressful day. I don't think the stress started only today, but I believe it is buildup from weeks, or months, or non-stop crazy everyday life. Decompression is never complete.

My husband has been having very late days for the last few weeks because of an audit at his job. However, he's only been arriving slightly later than his normal workdays, but the stress is increased due to his work pressure.

He's a workaholic. I've always said so. He's very good at whatever job he's had, takes on a lot of responsibility, does his best to do work of the highest standard, takes pride in his work, and usually ends up cleaning up others' messes. These are all admirable qualities, but in his circumstance it still qualifies as being a workaholic. I hate it, have always told him so, and cannot deal with these patterns which take him away from us more than is necessary (imo). He would disagree and say something about ... paying rent... full bellies, blah blah blah... although he does know he's overworked.

(When he was first promoted people often asked him if his wife was happy about it because then that would mean a bigger paycheck. I never gave a crap about the money, but was happy because we thought it would mean less stress for him. It has, in fact, caused us more stress, and I don't see how it's going to get any better.)

I've been questioning whether or not his "workaholic" issues are also related to adhd (or some tendency thereof) because he often complains that he's always being derailed from his work. I could definitely see this being a possibility.

Of course, once this latest phase of stress and long hours is over, the crazy holidays will be upon us, in which his hours will once again be extended and full of corporate pressures.  Splendid.
=/ I despise the holiday season.

*****

Today the children and I spent a few hours at a birthday party hosted at a miniature golf park. My 10 and 7 YO kids on the spectrum, my 5-yr-old who throws tantrums like other 5-y-olds (so Im told)... what could possibly go wrong?  That is all I'll say on the subject at this moment since even just thinking about what happened is exhausting and stressful. Suffice to say that there is a reason why we don't frequent such establishments like Chuck E Cheese or even miniature golf parks. Had my husband been able to be there with us, things would have been more manageable for me. However he was not, and therefore it was not.

Also, being an introvert type (just super super shy), it's hard to have people come up to me and ask "What's wrong with so-and-so"? They are not trying to be rude at all, it's just hard for me to try and pay attention to my pissed off kid and other people who are curious. I often ramble and don't even know if they truly understand what I'm saying. So of course, I stress about what they think of me.

I also feel really put on the spot when Im having to deal with my kids' bad, hyper, wild behavior. I feel like I'm being judged as being an unloving mother, or just plain uptight. (Yet Ironically, I am so hella uptight!) The messed up thing in this also is that my kids WERE NOT THE ONLY AUTISTIC KIDS THERE, so most people would have been understanding.

I think the difficult thing is just dealing with angry kids, especially when you're trying to do fun things for them. As any normal parent, you try to make them happy, and when they get angry at YOU because things aren't how they want it, it fucking makes you feel like shit. Today, they made me feel like shit at some point. And Im going to say something else: My Eldest frequently makes me feel like shit. I suppose it might be because, as a 10 year old, he should be able to understand and remember that some of the things he says and does have this effect on me, regardless of his autism. Maybe I still expect too much of him?? However, it's a lesson Im not going to let my kids, autism or not, get away without knowing. The things you say and do AFFECT PEOPLE.

And that's all I've got to say about that.