# just over a month of therapy and I just feel like I'm stumbling through everything.

...And I still don't know what the point of it is.

Yesterday (monday) was kind of a hard day for me. The kind of day where Im just super fragile and crying for no reason, except that everything becomes a kind of reason. When I get to my therapy and try to hone in on this, somehow the conversation took a turn, and she wanted to focus on things I ALREADY KNEW AND DON'T NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO "MAKE BETTER".  FFS, the more I really think about it, the more frustrated I get. It's like no one is f8ing  listening to me, and no one really understands my mind or what I'm going through. Please dont' tell me to just light a candle and release my anxiety into the atmosphere. I'm not trying to be mean (although Im incredibly annoyed), but I need HELP to FIX.MY.BRAIN.

Does my ranting just make me sound super self centered?

I did learn one thing that, if I'm honest, I already knew, which was my body is just shutting off because it's exhausted. I can't think clearly, can't focus on reading a book, can't concentrate, can't get enough energy, can't get out of bed somedays, can't bother to care about life some days, because my psyche is trying to tell me to turn off/take a break/recharge. The only issue is that this is a period of time which is all likeliness is way too significant to actually accomplish. So what to do...?

Well I went browsing around the internets and I found a website by an orthodox priestmonk who originally came from a background of hard science (chemistry). Somewhere along the way of his education he decided to follow his other passion of theological studies. He currently writes about - and this is the best way i can describe it since I haven't read too much of his stuff - a merging of cognitive therapy and Orthodoxy. Or maybe its looking at cognitive therapy from the frame of Orthodoxy... I'm not totally sure yet, but he has some books that I'll probably look into. For now I'm just going through his blog, hoping to find little helpful tidbits on the topics. But this seems to be exactly what I was looking for in terms of therapeutic approaches within the real of my faith.

In case anyone is interested:
http://ancientchristianwisdom.com/

So on the topic of my faith (Orthodoxy) I find there are a great many tools that are exceedingly helpful. However, when your brain chemistry is off and making your life a crazy rollercoaster, how can you even focus on anything else? And this is my issue. I can blame my kids for being loud (but seriously, they're freakin loud) which in turn creates an anxietic reaction within my body, but what about the root of the problem being addressed to alleviate those tendencies linked to certain stimuli?

I've been having more serious thoughts lately, too. What if it can't be fixed? Ever since this therapist suggested the PTSD thing, my thinking has kind of turned up on itself. I used to just think it was the depression which caused EVERYTHING. Seeing now that it's the anxiety which has caused mostly everything, I'm starting to wonder just how far one ccan be healed. This isn't just an issue talking about my sad and pathetic past, this is  a matter of literally fixing brain chemistry. Some people can't be fixed. I think I'm afraid of being Some People. At the same time I wouldn't mind removing myself from society, living up in the mountains, in a little cob house, just me and the cats. lol. That would be great, too. But what if i actually NEED that in order to function like a somewhat normal person. No, I may not be having the flashback of childhood things, but I do have flashback-like experiences of other stressful events. Some of them aren't even real. I'm pretty sure that some kind of obsessive disorder issue, but I'm no expert.