My life is a fucking wreck....
That's what's going through my mind right now. My kids are home for the stupid Thanksgiving holiday week. I don't want to be a mom right now. I don't want to be anything. I just want to hide and be hidden. I want to fucking stay away from everybody. My house is a mess. I hate living here. I hate everything.
I'm a loser.....
That's what my dad would tell all of us when we were younger. I didn't believe him - or at least I always told him to shut his fucking face - but I guess after years of hearing it the words never leave you. I always hear that fucking voice. In my head. Telling me that I'm a loser. Right now I think it's right.
I fail...
I fail at everything. I fail at motherhood. God I fail so fucking hard. I never thought I would be this kind of mum. I never wanted to be this kind of mum. My kids have their own difficulties and I just can't handle it. I try. I try so hard. But things sometimes get the better of me. I blame myself for their problems, thinking that my DNA must be fucking faulty, and that I made my kids have the problems they have. I couldn't wait to have kids. I wanted a family like crazy. And it turns out I couldnt even have babies correctly! How much more fucking shit do I need in my life to prove that I AM A FUCKING FAILURE?!
I don't want to be a failure.
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